[[0019]] Eye screening results are back... and when you thought things could NOT get any worse...

... when you think things cannot get any worse...

AND THEY DO.

(Because this is my life and they always get worse).

To be quite honest with you, I had been having a somewhat reasonable day for many reasons, such as payday, eating food I want to eat, having the drinks I like, new stuff in Pokémon Sword, getting a Shiny Lucario (at last) for my Shiny Zapdos, working with people I like, being good at biting my tongue and the most important thing... PLANNING MY AMAZING LONDON/WALES BIRTHDAY and then you get slammed in the face by a massive fat brick and you're like, "oh well, honestly can't have nice things, can I?" (Enjoy the picture of the shiny Lucario, she deserved to be on here to brighten all of your days).

This my friends, is the life I keep joking and telling you all about but now you get to see how it unfolds as it unfolds as I only just opened these letters myself... and I am just... I don't even know. I might laugh and joke about all of this, but deep down, I'm tearing myself apart on a daily basis because trying and doing is never good enough and will never be good enough because there never, ever seems to be any good news about my health, only more and more little bits of bad. Maybe I should try and take the crap in my life more seriously but I think if I did that, I don't think I'd be standing and I don't want to live and wallow in my own self pity, so may as well be blunt and honest with everyone; if I do that, I can't get hurt, because means I get the truth out there before people start to make things up about me. Honesty is the best policy supposedly...

So... the eye screening results and why my brain is word vomiting a blog post for you all... well, I am getting to it. I didn't actually get my screening results first... turned out I had been sent an appointment at my local hospital in the Ophthalmology Dept, which if I am honest, I am kind of used to those by now as they are a regular occurrence. 

So, I got this this morning... well, yesterday but I just didn't check the door as I had not heard the postman yesterday. I expected an appointment or a check up but this letter didn't really explain why, plus, that appointment was not going to stick for long because: 

1. Need appointments later in the afternoon because of the eye drops making my eyes too blurry to actually do my job
2. It's on my birthday and going to the hospital on my birthday is just bloody depressing and I can think of things I would rather be doing than sitting in a waiting room, unable to see for like three hours or more afterwards

I never actually got round to changing the appointment today, but it was on my list to do tomorrow... the least I could ask for is an appointment towards the end of April, or somehow get put on an earlier clinic if the powers let be could. 

And then I got home. And saw the letter with the return address for Bristol so kind of knew the eye screening results were back (and quicker then I anticipated as well). And then I actually read it. And then the above appointment suddenly made a lot of bloody sense. 

I don't really remember what my old diabetic eye screening letters read or looked like, but I don't think I have ever read one quite this harsh or blunt. "Sight-threatening retinopathy". "Serious changes to the blood vessels". 

Either way, it looks like yet again, the stress and the illnesses I went through last year is causing my eyes to give me problems as well. Don't get me wrong, my vision has been blurry for a while and some days I can see screens and things fine and then others I need to wear reading glasses to magnify the letters in books on screens so I can read clearly, heck, I've been able to wear the glasses less at work because my vision has not been blurring as bad and yet... this is just potentially, the straw that might break the camels back (oh yeah, update, my mental health has been in a trash place as well, supposedly wrecked the kitchen on Tuesday but don't remember doing it, just remember crying cos no pans to make dinner, then my porridge died in the microwave and after that is a blur of crying and going to bed to depresso sleep so....... yeah). 

What does this all mean, bar well, my head going three thousand plus miles an hour and refusing to shut up as it weights up all the scenarios from the good (saving my eyesight) to the terrifying (eventually being blind) so I am prepared for every single eventuality that could happen (this also includes how people will speak to me and treat me, to what work might or might not do, to having to quit working... my brain will think of EVERYTHING that may or may not happen)?

Well... long story short (although I won't know for certain until I attend the appointment), this might mean I have to have laser surgery again. I have had this three times before, the last time I think being six or so years ago, maybe five. I think I've had it twice in my left eye and once on my right. I need to make it clear (lol, no pun intended), that surgery for retinopathy is nothing like the corrective surgery for those who wear glasses... it doesn't help you see better or fix the problem and damn I wish it did. Alas, like most diabetic problems, all laser surgery does it prevent the problem from getting worse for a time (so in this case, slow down the chance of you becoming blind). Long story short, laser surgery for diabetic retinopathy involves firing a laser to the area where the small blood vessels are leaking fluid (I think sugar) into the back of the eye. Type 1 diabetes can affect the microvascular blood vessel system, which is why a lot of use end up with eye, kidney, nerve and heart problems (and look at me, being 30 and having three of the four already). 

Have I ever mentioned one of my biggest fears? Going blind. Blindness is one of my top four most hated and feared things. I don't want to go blind. So yes, if it's laser surgery again then I will indeed go for it (even though you do have to sign forms and so on, which tell you this surgery could make you blond eep). I am not ready to be blind and I never will be ready. I like to draw and I like to write and I want my career in Science and I want to be able to see for all of these as best that I can. Hell, I want to be able to see my wedding. See my family. See my partner. See my cats. See my friends. See films and TV and musicians playing live. See the video games I play... so I'll take the laser surgery again. There could be other treatments but until I read the leaflet they sent, I have no idea what other options there are. But I'd probably take those options too. I don't have a choice, I cannot afford to lose my eye sight so young.

Needless to say, this has put a major downer on planning a fun birthday away from this town, with my friends and my fiance in London and in Wales. I still intend on planning these things, but I;m being fake if I seem happy about them cos all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and not come out until the problems go away even though I know that they will not. So yeah, I'll continue to plan my birthday. I'll try and change the appointment so it doesn't affect my birthday (pray for an earlier appointment for me please!!!) and we will just see what happens.

So yeah, thats that. I am yet again, not getting a break which I feel like I have fought for so damn hard. But I guess this is my life at the end of the day. Who am I to expect a break? The world just has to crap on people just to see how much they can take.

Alas, sometimes, strong people can break. Now that's a pre-warning to whatever is up there. Don't break me. It will not be fucking pretty.