[[0059]] Day 49 of Self-Isolation (It's a diabetes post today!)

Day 49 (I still don't know when this will be over)

So, I figured I would make this post more diabetes related, as I have not spoken about the main reason I set up this blog, for the longest of time (T1D looks like me) and figured it was time to pay a little more focus to that for a change, instead of writing about keeping myself sane throughout this pandemic.

For all intents and purposes, I look like I am doing well and if I am honest, I do think I am doing okay. The mental health advent calendar has been working wonders, and I do get excited about what is behind those little doors. The new marvel one is also absolutely awesome and adorable and I cannot wait to find a cute little unit for each little figure (and maybe accidentally buy a Harry Potter one... maybe). 

I may not be helping out at work for reasons (my health is a living mess) but, my Skindred Support the NHS and Keyworkers tee arrived yesterday and I am loving it and I urge any of you who also want to help the NHS and whom love Skindred, to go and order one too in the link above! We actually wore them on our live stream last night and intend on wearing them again for more streaming shizzle and we have both decided that we are totally gonna rock these at the Skindred gig at the Showground in October (just waiting on our spiky sunglasses and my fluffy black coat to arrive).

But, we need to talk diabetes... because, like I always, I seem to be brushing it under yet another carpet, like I have done the vast majority of my life since being diagnosed with it. I don't mean to, but I have grown up with this mentality that everyone else's health and problems are bigger than my own and it has honestly taken me a long time to start saying no as well as cutting off the toxic and slowly, my control is getting a little better. The damage has been done though, after years of neglecting myself and focusing on family and so on, so now it's just making sure I preserve what I have left.

I won't get all down and meh about that now though... because I want to speak about things I am doing to help make my diabetic life easier.

Since last year, I have been put on more and more medication, and I have always struggled to keep on top of it... like I was fine when it was just my insulin and a single Mirtazapine each night, but then that got changed to a med I did not get along with for depression and neuropathy, so I got switched back to mirtazapine and put on a new med I had to take twice daily, so that is over twice the daily amount of tablets I had to take. Throw in the 4mg Candesartan and an antihistimine and that is it, my brain is fried and I often forget to take one or two of the meds. It's not horrendous if I miss the neuro meds or Candesartan but if I am to preserve what I have left... I need to take them and be pro-active about it, but I am just so damn forgetful.

So, last weekend, I made the decision to do something about this. I should have done it sooner, but I didn't want any connotations in regards to my age or ought so I didn't do it. I just didn't wanna seem any older then I really am and the thing I wanted to get is normally associated with old people. So I figured, if I am going to do this, I wanna do it in style... and I'd like to think I have.

What did I do?

I bought one of those tablet organisers, to put all my tablets into and well, in colour coded, Queenie fashion.

I won't lie, I was really picky with what I chose. Like, I didn't want a clear one, colourful was best, had to split the day into three instead of AM/PM or four times a day, and a case was bonus, so I could well, hide what it is... and well, it's cool.

I think this was £9 on Amazon in the end, and it was worth it because I am happy with it and I have so far remembered to take my tablets for today, amazing! And I would like to think that it doesn't make me look old... plus, rainbow... I am bi as the well, bi could be, this works for me... and all the NHS support right now, I had to (and honestly, I'm not really for clear or clinical colours these things tend to come in). The case is a bonus, but means I can just sling it in my bag when I go back to work, so practical too and shouldn't lose the little pots in my bag either. 

Yes, I arranged my tablets straight away, but eeeeee, that's Wednesday ready to go tomorrow! If you want one of these, you can find them over on this link to Amazon. 

Of course, it is early days yet, and whether I remember to order my meds so I don't run out let alone remember to get them out the pouch is well, to be seen, but, I honestly feel it is going to help me remember to take them and in doing so, will help preserve the feeling in my bad foot as well as my kidney issues.

Speaking of preserving kidney function, I have an appointment at my doctor's tomorrow for more bloods and a blood pressure test... the bloods to well, check my kidney function and the blood pressure test as mine has been running way too high for a while now, and well, kidneys and blood pressure are very much related to one another; if the blood pressure is normal, it will help in preserving my kidney function. I should get the results for them early next week either way so fingers crossed please! These tests have been nothing but bad news for me this year.

Well, that is it for my little diabetes win for today. Now to get back to being healthy, exercising more and doing what I can to be healthy and lose a bit of weight while I am stuck here.

Stay safe everyone,

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0018]] Week 7 Overview - Diabetic Mini MOT and a touch of partial burnout

I have decided that I am going to start naming these weekly overview posts with one line that ultimately sums up the week. It is appropriate, fitting and very much me. And thinking of whacky names for overview posts, how about like, a rating system for the week overall, after all, some weeks are good and some are just a total burn out... LOL.

I guess, to start with something semi-good for the week. I finally have all the new medication requested for me from the Doctor at the hospital clinic. Not that it is his fault it has been a long wait, I didn't know I needed to call up to push things along a bit quicker. The candesartan I already knew about as that got added to my prescription not long after my Toujeo insulin was, but I had no news on what I was getting to replace Duloxitine. Thankfully, I got a phone call from my Doctor booked and he put me back on mirtazapine straight away and gave me what he called a really good neuropathic medication which is pregabalin. Only downside of the latter is I have to take it twice a day instead of once so it's a whole new thing to remember to do in the evening, but I think I am getting one of those pill dispenser things with times of day and days of the week on soon to help me remember to take them all at the appropriate times. 

Good thing about the new neuro meds is that I no longer feel nauseous all the damn time, which is fantastic as that has been plaguing me since I started taking duloxitine last year; the worst was the sickness every time I ended up in stop-start traffic after work on the bus home, especially when inconsiderate people would glare at me for the weird noises I'd make to stop myself throwing up. I also feel my foot pins and needles less with these meds too, which is another bonus; it doesn't feel like I am clenching something with my toes on my bad foot anymore. Bad thing about the pregabalin is that for some reason, my balance is becoming somewhat off and I seem to drift a lot more than normal; I already have a cracking bruise on my arm from walking into the racking in my office. 

You're probably wondering what the tablets not in a box are, and these, my good friends and family, are the happy sleep pills I had before they were also replaced with the two in one duloxitine. EVERYONE who knows me, knows how badly my sleep has suffered without these, and in turn, my mental health, which has honestly felt like walking on the edge of a knife for the last couple of months. Sleep isn't enough to make me feel better, as are the tablets but they help me keep some kind of bare minimum control on my mental health when things get rough, which they major have been of late. I still feel down and depressed a lot and I am still overwhelmed by the sheer amount of control good diabetes management is seeming to have on my life, but I have my sleep back and I can deal with the world a little bit better now I have these antidepressants back... even if I run the chance of sleeping in my alarm because well, not slept properly in months till now!!!

You are probably wonder what I mean when I mention Diabetic Mini MOT? Well, I lovingly got this name idea from the gentleman doing the diabetic eye screening on Friday morning, after I told him that I had a dietitian appointment after the eye screening appointment.

I cannot tell you much about the eye screening other than look how massive my bloody pupils were after the eye drops... as you can guess, I had to leave work because my vision was all blurry. I'll get the results in a couple of weeks I believe but I know it will be signs of retinopathy, either the same as last time or worse since I can't remember the last time I had an eye screening appointment but I have been stresses as fuck since. 

I saw my dietitian though and was able to tell her the good news about my new long acting insulin and tablets (it was thanks to her that I contacted the hospital diabetes team about new medication last year) so she was happy to see that change at last. You may also remember the highs at lunch time that I mentioned about in other blog reviews and I have been asked to try and do a couple units extra as I may be one of the diabetics that need more in the morning, so let's see how that one goes next week!! 

I was able to admit to her that I was getting extremely overwhelmed with the amount of carb counting every tiny gram of carbohydrate in my food was giving me and that I was terrified to the point where sometimes I just wouldn't carb count or I'd binge eat and do whatever meds to cope. It is still getting to me now as I do not what the diabetes to rule every littler thing I do, and maybe I am wrong and its the demons in my head again, but I feel like having good diabetes is monitoring every little thing, acting towards every little thing, counting every little thing, medding for every little thing and I honestly cannot cope with that right now, it's really difficult. I am however being booked on a three day carb counting course, so fingers crossed, that can help stop making everything so overwhelming for me. 

Because trust me, I am shattered. I keep having to escape A LOT so I just don't think about the future and what will become of me. Which has meant I have started obsessing worse than ever, on the Pokémon games since the new HOME version came out on Switch and Mobile and I just can't stay off it. I want to fill the national dex somehow, and I think the other half is helping me to try and achieve that which is awesome... but yeah, I ended up caught for two days and a half  completing the original Pokémon Moon game as I thought I had finished the dex and had the shiny charm and I was going to hunt shinies to chill out, and then I realised I made a horrible mistake, the dex was not finished, I still needed Cosmog and Solgaleo but I had sent my Lunala to HOME so couldn't get it back to get Cosmog. Queue my panic and flapping as I remembered that GTS was going down on the old games as of the 24th Feb... so I had to run around and catch all the Tapu's on both Moon and Ultra Moon and use one to trade on GTS for Lunala which I used to get my Cosmog, then I put Lunala in the GTS to get SOlgaleo and then I forgot I did not have all the Ultra Beasts, just Nihilego... so queue frantically trading Solgaleo for the UK Buzzwole, followed by trading an UB exclusive from MOON for a UK exclusive from Sun and I thought I had got them all but didn't realise Necrozma was in this one... so had to go get him too. And don't forget spending a good 6 hours trying to evolve to get my Silvally for the dex. 

All in all, the stress was worth it and I know avoidance is not the answer to my mental health cheating me out of a break, but this obsessing is giving me the chill out I need to stop my brain from thinking about everything and more all the goddamn bloody time I am awake or trying to rest. That being said, me and the other half have a plan for making the most out of the shinies and rares in the games to the point we have a plan to get further dex's filled for the shiny charms to hunt shinies and increase our odds (this  actually helps me get to sleep quicker cos hunting is so therapeutically boring)... we also have a plan to reply games to get more shiny fodder and so on as well... so that will keep me occupied until I get my occupational therapy counselling appointment that I so desperately need |OMG! (Also, can we appreciate me being a sucker for exclusive limited edition consoles, what with the Sun and Moon sleek as fuck 3DS and my Let's GO Pikachu and Eevee switch? They also make me happy, oops).

Also on the positive front... FAMILY TIME!!! Honestly, I do have the best siblings!!! Got to speak to Lola on the phone this week and as usual, I love my little mini more more and more each time I see her! I have also been informed she loves Panda's now so means I finally have a plan to get her something nice for her new bedroom, maybe some cushions and blankets or picture or all of the above!!!

It was also my step-brother's birthday this weekend too... little Wyatt is now three years old!!! We got him some cute gifts from The Natural History Museum when we went to London, and OMG he loved the lil Triceratops we bought for him and even asked to have it to take to bed with him too OMG so cute I cannot even ❤️❤️❤️

Can't forget Milo either... such a good brother OMG He actually came round again on Wednesday when Jake was at work and bought some amazing home made curry for us to have in wraps for lunch, he also bought some crisps and tasty drink which I so bloody needed what with being strapped for cash till pay day on Thursday!!! Cannot wait to see what amazing foods he will make next and obvs, cannot appreciate enough him coming over on Wednesday so I don't go bloody insane and depressed in the house on my own whilst Jake is at work so long. 

OH CHEESE!!! Last thing... my bestie Josh is so amazing. So so so amazing. We had a big chat about diabetes and the kidney stuff and he proper cheered my up and I honestly love how having a serious conversation with him inadvertently turns into discussing random things about said serious things, for example, ways to cook potatoes to remove the potassium (in case I cannot have potatoes as much anymore further down the line) because there has to be a way to have roast potatoes and mash with a roast dinner dammit! ALSO, he was so lovely and made it possible for me to buy some cheese and crisps, things I don't need to med for, and also after I had a mini freak out that the cheap mature chedder I had to buy was well... more orange like red leicester than mature chedder... thanks to Josh, I got some proper stuff, extra mature Cathedral City cheese and omg, heaven... so much heaven everywhere, my taste buds are invigorated and happy and full of tasty cheese goodness (also look at the pic of the two cheeses... since when was mature cheddar orangy?) I don't actually know where I would be without Josh sometimes... he always knows the right things to say, knows I love honesty even i it stings, knows how to make me laugh and smile... and our little chat and the purchasing of decent cheese has honestly helped the crap storm of a week whirling around in my head.

Well, you may be wondering why there are no blood results to show. There is, I just don't like any of them at the moment so I couldn't face posting them up. Instead, I shall give you a picture of my cat Vincent giving me a big snuggle, who I love so much and I shall leave this here until next week. 

This weeks rating:⭐⭐☆☆☆

Bye everyone!!!

[[0016]] Week 6 Overview

What an absolute up and down of a week, is the only way I can seem to put this... just like my blood sugars ha! 

So, here are the blood results for the week... and honestly, what an absolute mess. I have had some good days thankfully but a lot of bad bloods seem to be taking over. I am still getting used to taking Toujeo and will need to contact my nurse about potentially upping the dose a little bit (once I've figured out getting my screen shots up on the work PCs so I can email them to her). I have started to have less hypos though, which is good... but I am also having a few more highs, but that might not be because of Toujeo, and could instead be, especially at the end of the week, down to stress of the news I got on Friday. 

So, many of you may have seen my blog post yesterday (if not, then check it out here) about the news I received on Friday in regards to my kidneys, and that they have in fact worsened since leaving hospital and because of this, I am now diagnosed with stage 3 chronic kidney disease (CKD3). I won't go into all the stuff I went into in my previous blog post about it all, because this is an overview and you all don't need to here it again, but I do think it has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and worry which is why my blood sugars have not been easy to control this weekend. I am going to try harder next week but... I don't know what next week will bring for that matter. Nonetheless, I am still dealing and trying to cope with everything as best as I can. Just gotta wait and see what the future brings from here on out I guess. 

So, it was Valentine's Day on Friday and because of our trip to London, we couldn't do a large amount (and in the end I had an early night because of the CKD news) but when we were in London, we found this awesome shop called Scribblr, that had some proper fantastic Valentine's Day cards... and low and behold, the other half got me this card haha! Everyone at work had a good giggle about it as I had to put it on my desk... and I guess in a way, it is kind of convenient, specially as carb counting is going to be my future soon.

I shared it on one of the diabetes facebook groups I am on and OMG, I was worried about what they would think, but thankfully, loads of people thought it was hilarious thank goodness!!! Hell, it was a pretty popular post that day on there, so win win all round. And means the other half now officially wins at Valentine's Day according to the group, so I would honestly like to think I have brightened a lot of people's days with the sharing of my card!

I did get Jake an Eminem one, mainly because I got him an Ed Sheeran one last year, so felt I had to keep the music theme up... just gotta decide what kind of music one to get him next year haha!!! We also managed to get take out for our Valentine's Day meal and ordered a massive £30 vouchers worth of Papa John's pizza and sides! So so so so good haha Got to love having Paypal credit sometimes, if it means you can have a nice treat... and omg the cheesy jalapeno bites were so good, I could have eaten a bajillion haha (I also really love their special garlic sauce and have a couple spare in the fridge cos dunking nuggets in it is the best thing ever)!

I haven't really done a lot this week, just work and sleep and so on... but we did go to my Dad's and Step Mum's this weekend which was awesome. A few drinky-poos were had, played some fun games (Cards Against Star Wars is AWESOME), did some karaoke and got an absolutely banging roast dinner today which was so so so so needed and definitely satisfied my vegetable cravings (one of the reasons I love roast dinners).

But best of all, I get to see my gorgeous big boy, Vincent Valentine Kadaj the 1st, well, Vincent or Vinnie for short. He's an old man now but he is so cuddly and massive and snuggly and just, OMG I can't help but sit with him for ages and give him loves and pets and scratches and listen to him purr and so on. He's a right dribbler of a cat as well, bless him but its worth it for the massive cuddles and head bops he gives you ❤️❤️❤️ I remember when he was a baby kitten, when I first got him, and I left him on the sofa when I went up to bed to sleep... and I came down in the night to check on him and he had disappeared behind the cushions and down the back of the sofa, so for a solid week, I slept with him downstairs! I love getting to see him when I can. He's a special lil old princely man. And makes me happy and calm and chill about things when he is around. I'd love to have him with me, but living in the countryside has been amazing for him so I would never take him away from that, but I love that when I do get to see him, he is nothing but cuddles, like he can remember me looking after him like a mama when he was a baby. 

I guess the only other thing I have to report is that I finally spoke to my doctors surgery about getting my medication changed for neuropathy and  am so glad that I rang them. I got a telephone appointment with my actual doctor which I was so relieved about (I love my doctors so much, like, they get me and know that I know what is wrong when I go in so the appointments are always quick and they seem to like I have done a masters in biomedical science too). It was a good chat and he listened which was amazing and is putting me back on Mirtazapine straight away because I clearly need it after my bad lack of sleep since coming off the medication as well as the fact my mental health is dipping quite badly at the moment. He's also giving me another medication for the neuropathy which I have heard better things about in comparison to Duloxitine so I am looking forward to trying them and hoping that I get less pain in my feet. I'll let you know next week how that all goes!!!

So, I think that is all for this week for now, so thank you all again for sticking around, reading, commenting, following and sharing! I'll get the diabetes message out there some day, I hope! I can't do it without any of you after all ❤️

[[0013]] Week 5 Overview

Can you believe that it's February already because I sure as heck still can't! Heck, I'm paid in less than three weeks and after the six weeks of no pay because Christmas and New Year... it's all going by so quick, what the actual hecking heck?!?!?

It's actually been a busy week but thankfully, it has given me some (what I am hoping) is quality content for next weeks blog posts! Gotta reach that 500 views and fingers crossed, make it up to 10 followers! (Seriously, how do people get blog followers, this is beyond me nowadays haha). Alas, I have been rather busy which is why I have not been able to post very much, but I will keep this post short and sweet about diabetes this week... as the overview should be!!!

So, mental health wise this week... things have been better, but that is a culmination of many things, mainly the fact that I went to London with the other half, saw Dir en Grey for the eighth time (and omg this is definitely one of my favourite shows from them, plus unexpected Kodou in the encore!!!) and then shopping round London and family times with the other half's family.

After last year, it was exactly what I needed as I haven't really had any proper time out from life for a while, and this is honestly what the doctor ordered. I had such an amazing time, alas my blood sugars say otherwise, but look out for a post next week to see my London gets, gig low down and excitement and dinosaur posts as honestly, you will never see me look happier!

So, my bloods this week have... not been great and I am actually unsure why other than I know I let go a little bit in London and sometimes its hard to find the carb content when you're having dinner out and trying to not hypo in a gig. 

My new night time meds (Toujeo) seem to be working okay but I'll know for certain over next week now that I am returning to my normal daily routine. SO fingers crossed it is working!  

I have noticed that when at work, my bloods seem to spike a lot after my breakfast, and I am not sure if that is because I am not doing enough insulin in the mornings or if work in the morning has been stressing me out. But it seems to be the same steady theme everyday that I am at work because by the evening, things tend to have settled down. I'm going to keep an eye on this though, but I don't expect it to change so the only thing I can really do is start doing extra medication and hope that it doesn't knock me out with a hypo before lunch.

I had a lot of problems with my blood sugars on Saturday and I am still not sure why. I ended up having to over insulin to try and get them down because they kept staying stupidly high. They have settled today mind you... and I am still trying to figure out what was causing the issues yesterday. I had considered anxiety because I haven't drunk alcohol for a while and even though I didn't drink silly (and alcohol is meant to lower blood sugars), it took all day and night to get my bloods somewhat reasonable. But this is why I don't think it was stress and anxiety because I had been alright mentally the whole time... the world is a mystery to be quite honest. Sometimes there are things even I do not understand. 

I guess the last little update is that I may finally be getting some new medication for my neuropathy next week, just am unsure when that decision will be made. I am expecting kidney tablets again either way so I think once those are through at the doctors, the new neuro meds will be to. I noticed yesterday that Duloxetine has finally been taken off my repeat prescription so something is definitely happening, I just don't know when. I just hope and pray that whatever I get means I can be out back on Mirtazapine again for my mental health and sleep and that whatever new tablet it is stops me feeling nausea and travel sickness all the damn time. 

So, diabetes wise, that is it for this week! But I'll be back with some fun posts next week so be sure to follow, share and so on and I will speak to you all soon 💙

[[0012]] What's in my Diabetes bag?

I promised this post on Sunday and as I am going away for a few days tomorrow and will be quiet for a while, I figured I would do a "What's in my Diabetes bag?" post, after seeing so many others doing similar with their own kit/everyday bags. 

So this is my little bag... a little make up bag that has decided to serve another purpose! I've been looking for ages for something that would be good to keep all my medication and bits and pieces all in one place and thankfully, this one fits everything in... plus, Slytherin pride all the way!

So what is in the bag? 

A lot of kit, that is what. Although now that I am looking at it, doesn't seem to look half as much in comparison to other kits I have seen over the years, however, this is all the immediate stuff I need when I am out and about... anything can happen after all!

Now to go through each piece... I hope you're all excited and curious!!! 

1) Blood test kit and additional supplies

Well, I can't go anywhere if I don't know what my blood sugars are doing! And we all know how much this blood kit has been changing my life over the last couple of months. 

The pot of strips is half full, so I have placed another in the pack just in case. Each pot contains 50 strips, so enough to last a week, however, this is very dependent on my circumstances and my health that week, sometimes I do more or sometimes I do less. It honestly does vary!

Also in the pack is a set of ketone strips. I haven't spoken much about ketones but can you believe they used to test ketones (and might still do) with urine test strips! I'll save the ketone explanation for a post about Diabetic Ketoacidosis, which can be deadly. Long story short, if I am very poorly, I have to check my ketones and if they get too high, I have to go to hospital.

2) Insulin pens and back up supplies

... and as with the blood test kit, I cannot go out under any circumstances, without my insulin! 

I have two kinds: the silver and blue pen is my fast acting Novarapid which I take before meals or before I eat a snack that is over 15g carbohydrates, whereas the very shiny new pen is my Toujeo pen, which is long acting. I only got the Toujeo today as a result of my diabetic clinic last week, so fingers crossed I get on with this medication a lot better than my old Lantus! (Praying that I have no more night time hypos...)

I also take a spare bottle of Novarapid insulin for my blue and silver pen, just in case the one in the pen breaks or runs out (going away, I never know how much carbs or indulging I am going to do, so good to be prepared!) as well as some extra needles. 

3) Duloxitine 

These are my diabetic neuropathy medication as well as my anti-depressant. I was hoping I would have a new medication prescribed by now alas that has not yet gone through at my doctors so I may have to make a trip to see them next week. I always carry these with me as I take them every morning around 8am at work, as taking them at this time makes me less nauseous (even though I still get nauseous but its better then taking them at night time). In about a weeks time or so, I will also have Candesartan to add to this bag, although not for my blood pressure, but for my kidneys as I still have issues with them. I may also, hopefully have my old antidepressant to add to the bag too... fingers crossed and watch this space!

4) Emergency Hypo Supplies

A must have, which surprisingly, I only started carrying with me when I started my job in a hospital in 2018. I mainly carry faster acting carbs on me for hypos when I am out and about, to keep me going until I can get somewhere to eat something more slow acting. 

So, for my emergency supplies, I carry a can of energy drink, some dextros tablets (which I personally don't like as I feel like they take ages to work) and some of my favourite sugary sweets, fizzy rainbow belts! The latter is only a recent addition to my bag, as I bought some when having a hypo a few weeks ago and I only had 50p change on me, and I ate a couple and my bloods where fine again. I might add a flapjack to the bag in the future as well although I know I will probably buy them on my trip away anyway as I love a nice oaty flapjack for breakfast before work and travelling!

~ * ~

Well, that's the contents of my little diabetes kit!!! What do you have in your diabetes bag? I'd love to know!!! I hope you enjoyed this little mini post and please stick around for more in the future!!!

[[0011]] Week 4 Overview

Happy Sunday evening everyone... and apologies for the muchas late weekly review post. It has been a day and a half and then some on the organising front... and even then, things aren't organised. Slightly better, but not organised. And somewhat more disorganised too, if that is even possible. 

But we will get on to that later. First things first, the weekly blood test results review... and... it's been bad. 

Since going to the Diabetic Clinic on Tuesday, I honestly have felt so damn burned out by the diabetes again, which I haven't felt like since before hospital, when I was stressed, had stress going on in my life, when everyday was stress and I had no time to think of the diabetes. 

Again, the clinic was great and I am glad I went, as there are some positive changes on the way, hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday, whenever my prescription gets updated and changed and I have new medication but... it's the age old chat of "you are too young for complications" along with, "yes, you have been stressed and stuff but complications..." and yes I damn well know all of this and I have known for absolutely YEARS and nothing will ever change the fact that I have lived the vast majority of my life with some kind of stress and anxiety and depression and so forth... and just, I get it. I get it and I just want some changes to be positive about, like, "well done on lowering the HbA1c into the nurses target range" and "well done for having the balls to remove toxic people and life stress from your life to get better" and heck, even "well done for trying to keep on top of things and trying to keep your bloods in range" and blah blah blah. 

Urgh... its a burn out week. It really is. I'm hoping with next week being a new week, things are going to be a little bit better but, I honestly can never tell. The fact I can feel that the diabetes control is slowly starting to major control my life is starting and continuing to eat away at me and I hate it. Its becoming an obsession, and I hate that it is, because I just want to deal with it and get on with my life as normally as possible but it honestly doesn't feel like I can do that right now... not with the carb counting dietitian appointment coming up. Like I know how to carb count, I've read how too... but it seems to consume every little thing you do when you eat and I hate that... I get why, I get why it's fantastic... I just hate it because we all know eating is vital to staying alive but it shouldn't make me feel like it is taking over... and it is. I hate it so much. This is one of the reasons I rebelled so much as a kid... that and being in secondary school with T1D is bloody hard anyway when peer pressure is everywhere and you get picked on for being diabetic amongst other things. Oh well, at least I know, after following some diabetes groups on Facebook, that I am not the only one who has so many problems.

However, I have been preparing for my trip to London, which I feel like I may actually need at this point because I don't think I've had a mini break since June last year, so it's long overdue and might just give me a chance to relax, de-stress and for once, enjoy myself in the city I love. 

I've also been preparing my next blog post for you all, which I am hoping will be like a show and tell kind of thing. The picture to the left is a little bag I found whilst packing my stuff for London, and I've decided to use it for all my diabetes kit and stuff. I've never done something like this before, and tend to let things hang loose in the bottom/front pocket of my bag, but I've been seeing people doing similar so it seemed a great thing to do, and something my mental health doesn't seem to mind doing because it appeals to my sense of organisation. Plus, geeky is best haha, would you expect anything less from me? Eitherway, the other half is gonna grab some dextros tablets and what not to put in the pouch tomorrow and then it will be ready for show and tell on Tuesday, so be ready to check out post 0012! I am actually quite excited about it!!

Speaking of packing... it is what I have spent most of today doing... as well as washing up a lot of clothes because my wonderful cats are absolute dicks... and decided at some point over the last week or so, to make my life hell. Not that I didn't have a lot of washing to do or ought, but I knew what I wanted to take to London with me and for once I intended on packing early so that I wasn't rushing the night before (we will be streaming Tuesday night before we go so the more prepared the better yo!). 

Alas, I entered the bathroom on Saturday... realised a lot of the dirty clothes in there were a bit damp... and then the smell hit me. The cats had decided to protest the old litter tray and their hate of it and decided to pee on the clothes... (I think Pom Pom did most of the peeing mind you, I'll post a picture of her in another post)... but then I found some cat poop hidden neatly under some clothes and I knew exactly who had done that one. Pictured above is my beautiful shit bag of cat, who has pooped in my bedroom before and covered it with my shorts... which is kind of sweet because she is a clean kitty but OMG WHY POOP AND PEE IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOUR LITTER TRAY IS LESS THAN TO METRES AWAY? Seriously, I love my baby snuggle butt, but I do question her life choices at the best of times. Needless to say though, both kitties now have a new litter tray, with litter liners and freshener and a cute cat paw print mat and they seem to be loving their new toilet as there have been no more accidents.

However, it has not changed the fact I am now uber behind of clothes washing to the point I have had to set up two airers, as well as hanging washing off shower doors and radiators and trying to dry stuff in the tumble dryer (which is actually drying slower than the radiators... BLEH!) I mean, I have nearly finished packing, bar two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt which I am waiting to dry/finish washing and then obvs, my back pack for travelling but... at least I am getting there? It's pretty much the only thing in my life right now that is actually organised haha

I am looking forward to London though... I get to see friends I don't get to see often (missed you Misa and Meg and Brum/Manchester crew ❤️) but I also get to see an amazing band I absolutely love, buy more band merch for the band merch/music room but also planning on going to the Natural History Museum, which was one of my all time favourite places as a kid!!! Our friends who live near us, Sarah and Mike, are also coming to see Dir en Grey for the first time and I am actually so bloody excited for them too eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Speaking of music... guess who got tickets to see My Chemical Romance in June for a certain someones birthday? I did!!! The other halfs family helped towards them seen as he's always wanted to see MCR, and tbh I am quite excited. My diabetes on the other hand, went absolutely mental during and after buying tickets because of the anxiety of the queue and then the fact I actually managed to get them. Needless to say, this year is a fantastic year for seeing music, and I have been saying for ages that I wanted to enjoy life a bit more now I am not as stressed and bogged down with things. So roll on Dir en Grey on Wednesday, then MUCC and Skindred for my birthday and finally MCR in June! Now to pray Versailles, Jupiter or Kamijo announce for this year... would be pretty perfect! 

But I should probably bring this back round to diabetes... as per usual. I'm not sure, but I think my neuropathy might be getting worse, or the medication just is not working (because I know for a fact it is not working as an anti-depressant). Today, after all the walking I did yesterday, alongside the super manual job I did at work on Friday alongside hunting through the house and climbing over things today, the pins and needles in my bad foot has intensified again to the point that I am finally feeling the pain everyone goes on about. I am a bit concerned and  don't really know what to do because its a nerve problem so normal over the counter pain killers do absolutely nothing. I'm hoping it gets better before London, and might have to beg the fiance for a foot rub when he's filling less sick... so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope I get some new medication for neuropathy this week.

I also think I may have figured out a way to sleep better without the aid of my old anti-depressant, Mirtazapine. I've actually been getting to sleep easier since Wednesday when I bought the new thermal 15tog duvet (we have a freezing house omg)... and I have been dropping off a lot easier. I've been reading for a while about those weighted blankets and I know its not the same but... this duvet is heavier and I think I might actually need something weighted to help me sleep better. Maybe, if I ever make some pennies off this blog, I could put them towards one of those heavy blankets? Would be awesome!!!

Anyway... that be enough rambling for one week, plus I need some damn good rest before work tomorrow as I am on the super manual job again as well as training someone on the lead role. So... be back on Tuesday guys, and thank you for sticking around!

[[0010]] Diabetes Clinic (the first of many...)

I was going to post about the diabetes clinic sooner, but I ended up pulling a 11.5hr shift on Tuesday to help out alongside a mass shopping spree for the house yesterday and I honestly have crashed both nights (which was needed as my sleep has been appalling of late).

Anyway, I mentioned on Sunday that I was going to be attending my first Diabetes Clinic at my local hospital for the first time in Y E A R S. I know, I know, I should have continued to attend them, like most, if not all diabetics do, but... I had a rough time growing up, and I despised the consultant of the Diabetes Team for Paediatrics when I was a kid and young teen, so when I could, I just stopped going and eventually started doing all my check ups through my doctors surgery, of whom know my past, my history and why I have been like I have been. The reason I hated clinics at the hospital is because I was always made out to be a bad child by a family member, like I wasn't doing well looking after my diabetes myself and I was rebelling... and in a way, I was, because as a teen, I just wanted to be like everyone else. But this was when I was about 9 years old, when I wasn't fully looking after my own diabetes, and the consultant told me that if I carried on as I was, I would be dead by the time I was 18. What a great thing to say to a child! And it's always left its mark on me as well. Not only that, but when I lived with my Grandma, the doctor at the surgery there also tried to convince me to go to their Diabetes Clinic in that town and... I had strict orders from my Grandma that if it was under the same Consultant my Granddad was under, to just say no, because that guy nearly killed my Granddad by misdiagnosing bowel cancer as dementia. 

So you can see... I wasn't happy with these places.

But after being in hospital last October... and realising that the stress in my life was finally coming to an end, I knew I would have to attend a clinic eventually, to make sure that I can try to be healthier, in more control and all-in-all, live the best and longest life that I can. 

Honestly, I don't think I had enough time to explain everything to the Doctor. I would have loved double the amount of time to just explain everything but... they have other patients to see after all and I will attend again. The consultant seemed nice enough, but... I did get the talk of being in control to prevent problems and I already have retinopathy, kidney problems (not strictly diabetes related) and finally, neuropathy. It's the one talk I hate the most. Like, it sounds like I haven't tried over the years, and I really actually have tried... not as much as I am now, but that's because it is easier to try now because I don't have the majority of stress I used to have affecting my whole entire life. Like, I have diabetes, I know the problems, the issues, hell... a lot of my degree was about diabetes least of all my dissertation and masters project! I know all this... but... in all fairness, I think that was the only time I wanted to scream.

I did manage to cover the vast majority of changes and questions I needed to ask though. And thankfully my phone holding all my blood results was a God send, especially when the Diabetes Nurse took a look, and saw that day where I had way too many hypos as well as the fact in that week alone where I had about 9. The Doctor also noticed the massive amount of hypos I have been having, which thankfully led to a discussion about finally changing my night time, long acting basal insulin... which since hearing about Tresiba and Toujeo, I have wanted for ages. I haven't started on the new medication yet, but should hopefully be on it at the weekend at the earliest, or at least by the start of next week. This medication is much better than my Lantus insulin, which does not last the full 24 hours, but also has a high peak before dropping which can be the result of some of my night time hypo attacks. Toujeo lasts a bit longer so covers you for a whole day and means if needs be, can be injected a little later than whatever time I decide to pick to take it. I won't bore you with the Science of how it is better but I will do at a later date as I am always stupidly curious about these things. 

When I get this new medication, I am doing a straight swap between doses... it takes about three days to kick in so hypos may still occur in the beginning but if they continue, the dose can be reduced by ten percent. The insulin should also distribute around the body better so eventually, the peaks will become essentially a steady line once all settled. Once I get the insulin, I have to monitor everything for a week and send it to my nurse just in case the change doesn't work for me, however, this is the change that I really did need so we don't see how it won't work when I get it. 

The Doctor checked all my previous blood results, and stated my kidneys are not getting any better, which I partially knew... but I am unsure if he realises my kidney function has gone wrong ever since I had Gastroenteritis which led to the Polynephritis... this is what I mean when I say it was not ALL my diabetes. I was originally taken off my blood pressure tablets (I take these for my kidneys, not blood pressure) to help my kidneys get better, but I will be put back on them again to see if there is an improvement in about two weeks time. I hope so, I am still terrified I'll end up with a chronic kidney disease through no fault of my own other than kidneys are absolute wimps. 

I also bought a water filter finally yesterday (I have a big problem with the water here, its so harsh and has an odd after taste I tend to throw up if I drink too much of it). I've always preferred filtered water so getting this should hopefully mean I can drink more water without feeling sick and I hope that should help my kidneys too. But only time and a lot more blood tests will tell if that one works out as planned. Not like I don't have enough going on!!! I think I am being referred to a nephrology team at some point as well to keep an eye on my kidneys... so again, watch this space. 

I managed to mention, although only brief so I am not sure what will come of it, if I can have the medication I am on for my diabetic neuropathy changed. You may have seen me write about this before... and it's been bothering me for months now. Long story short, I was put on Duloxitine and had my anti-depressant sleeping tablet Mirtazapine, taken off me when I went into hospital, as Duloxitine is also an anti-depressant. Annoyingly, I started losing sleep straight away, and no longer was able to sleep for a solid six hours a night which has also badly influenced my mental health, as sleeping properly helps me function so much better in the world, even when things are tough. My mental health is everywhere nowadays, with some nights getting only 2-3 hours broken sleep, taking ages to get to sleep or just not sleeping properly at all. I mentioned to the Doctor that I wanted my old anti-depressant back and a different medication for neuropathy as not only is my sleep ruining, but I feel nausea worse than ever before, like travel sickness on the way home from work when I never had that before.

The Doctor said he was going to write to my Doctor about changing my prescription to have Candesartin back on script again, and he said he would mention about changing the Duloxitine, so fingers crossed in the next couple of days, I know what medication I will have instead. Worst comes to the worst, it's just going to be another trip to the doctors and some begging because I need my sleep back desperately. And I need my mental health back to a place I can manage and cope because I honestly cannot cope like this at the moment. 

(I also got a phone call this week in which I am going to have an appointment made for Counselling again with Occupational Health, so that be something too at least!)

The Diabetic Nurse mentioned that with the amount I blood test and as my bloods have been everywhere, that I may be eligible for a Libre in the future, which is something I do really really want for easier management of my blood sugar levels. This however, will involve carbohydrate counting... and this is where I honestly start to get a little panicked and overwhelmed (alas, I only realised this after the clinic...). Maybe I shouldn't keep reading all the diabetes blogs and groups but I do, I like reading and learning... but already the sheer thought of measuring carbs, equations, watching what I eat, medicating for every little thing I eat in some kind of ratio form, monitoring all physical activity (which yes, includes "night activities) ... I can feel one of my worst fears coming to life, which is simply, I don't want my life to be just about diabetes, I don't want it to control me and rule my life... but I have a feeling, to be the diabetic that I am meant to be, that is what is going to have to happen. Thank God I have counselling soon... even writing about it is setting me on edge. 

At least I was somewhat praised for lowering my HbA1c which is still my proudest achievement to date so I am so glad it was recognised. But they still want to lower it further, which is also understandable... so maybe all of these changes will help, but again, only time will tell. 

At least on a much happier note, the morning of the appointment on my way to work (I had literally no sleep because I was up all night panicking about the clinic), I caught a shiny Poochyena on Pokémon GO! I honestly felt I needed that kind of luck that morning, especially after the night I had and the anxiety floating through my veins. 

But alas... I'll have another clinic appointment in 4-6 months depending on my responses to Toujeo once I start taking it. And hopefully a nephrology one too. And add to the list I have a Diabetic Eye Screening appointment to rebook as well as a trip to see my Nurse and bloods in March and a potential Doctors trip to come up soon as well.

All in all, it's just what my new life is like now. 

And if I am honest, I am not in the right place to accept and enjoy it, but thankfully I don't have much choice so deal with it is just exactly what I will have to do, like I always do.

URGH.