[[0060]] Day 51 of Self-Isolation (The outside world is WEIRD)

Day 51 (and I guess 50 as well as this is a two for one)

Evening everyone!

Queenie calling in after another interesting couple of days in the diabetes world. Oh boy, it's been another emotional roller coaster that yet again, I did not sign up for.

It's been... interesting... and it shows me how much my diabetes is affected by my emotions and so on because jeez, my bloods react to ANYTHING when it comes to emotions and it is honestly frustrating as hell. 

So, guess I should explain what has been happening?

I had to have my kidney blood tests again to see if the eGFR (kidney function) was stabilised or slightly improved with the 4mg blood pressure tablets. Seems simple, ya know, one vial of blood? HA nope. Not at all. (I believe I mentioned I would be going out for bloods in my last type 1 diabetes post yesterday).

So, I wrapped up warm, I drank about a litre and a half of water at home yesterday before heading out and had breakfast as well and everything was fine. Like, got to the doctors and only had ten mins to wait for my appt and yeah, everything was absolutely fine. Went in, felt hydrated and warm... all was good. 

And then the bad thing happened. What is the bad thing? My blood said NO. My veins were a fat (technically they're tiny but you get the idea) NO. even my hands and wrists said NO which is funny cos can usually get it out my wrists.

So what happened? Well, I was in the room for 45 minutes, and the lovely nurse tried a good three times and couldn't get the blood, we even warmed my hands under boiling water, as well as holding a glove full of water and the blood just would not happen. So, she called in a lovely guy named Ian (he's like a doctor but not I think) and he gave it a go, a solid three times, and nothing. He even went for my wrist and that didn't work. Ian came up with an idea of maybe drinking and hydrating more then trying again in 20mins, so, I went and sat in the waiting room for 20mins, drank 9 cups of water, which I think equates to another litre and a half of water, maybe more. There was a guy in the waiting room, bless him, who should have been seen at 9:10am but wasn't seen until half past because of me so I obviously apologised profusely haha! I get called back in... the nurse tries twice again and nothing... and one of my other fave nurses, Carol, came in and she tried and just nope. Prodded nine time with needles in one day and I was totally done. I think they could see I was so damn frustrated about it all plus I don't wanna go to the hospital for bloods at the moment so I know they did everything they could. I think I was just major mad at myself for my body just being an ass.

I think I have written about this before tbh. I have always had a bit of a problem with having blood tests and have done for the last couple of years, maybe a bit longer, maybe like 8 years? And I always joke that I should not be diabetic cause I can't seem to handle a simple blood test. I think it just largely upsets me (hence my facebook rant about it yesterday) because I do honestly try so hard before my blood tests, by drinking loads, wrapping up warm and like, exercising my hands and arm to get the blood running but... it just never seems to work. The only thing that does work is this one woman at the hospital in haematology, I don't know her name, but she can always get it out of me and normally it's around 3 or 4pm... but no way am I waiting in haem right now, no way. 

I got home anyway, and I just felt terrible. I think I went into shock as well after being stabbed by so many needles (which is hilarious because I don't mind blood tests in the slightest, the colour of blood to me is fascinating) but like, my bloods shot up, I went kinda clammy and I think I just went to bed because I was honestly just so done with everything for that one day.

The nurse booked me to come in today, well, double booked me with my other two favourite nurses, Carrie and Gina whom I absolutely love so much. (Turns out we should have waited a week but oh well). Carol also said, doesn't matter how sunny it is, layer up loads and drink even more... so, that is what I did today, as well as some exercise on Just Dance beforehand.

So the first two pics haha! So I went to the surgery yesterday in a tee and a fluffy hoodie... and today? It was a tee, a hoodie and my fluffy coat for seeing Skindred. And some thermal socks and my super warm trainers. I. WAS. BOILING. Like so bloody boiling, I was sweating and I could smell myself, it was absolutely grim. Thankfully, I didn't go through the waiting room this time... which I will explain.

I got to the surgery an hour and ten early today... because the buses are crazy right now. Usually the number 1 is every half an hour but it is now it's one every 45mins, then 1hr 15mins... so I either got to the surgery an hour and ten early or ten mins late... so I went early. Figured, there is a bench behind the surgery on some grass so I could grab some lunch and more water and just wait till I needed to be seen... but I actually bumped in to one of my nurses, Gina, and she said if Carrie was free, they would try and get me in earlier. They didn't disappoint either, I was in at dead on 1pm instead of 1:30pm! Carrie came out in her PPE finery and called me in through one of the back entrances to the surgery, queue both nurses giggling as I said I had never been in the back way before haha!

Speaking of going in the surgery... it was weird yesterday. Like, the buses are still observing their protocols that I mentioned on day 16 of self-isolation. But I hadn't seen my surgery until yesterday. They've moved two rows of chairs in the waiting room, you can't really talk to the people on reception unless you hover for a bit and you have to ring a bell to get access to inside providing you have an appointment as well. Everyone is in masks n stuff and yeah, it's both weird but cool how my surgery has adapted to the big virus. But yeah, today I went through the back way, well, through a fire exit that went into like a sink, cleaning nurse station thing into the nurses room haha, I felt so naughty haha!!

I did think things were going to fail. Carrie managed to draw blood but the blood wouldn't do what it was meant to do and go down the tube/into the syringe. She tried three times though, and ended up calling in Gina to have a go. We had all been laughing and joking about the whole thing anyway, just because my body is an arsehole and why is there no like rules for being diabetic of which one should be being able to have a blood test nice and easily with decent veins haha!!!

Thankfully, Gina had a feel and got it first try, and OMG I was so happy I could have cried. She managed a decent vial as well which was a bonus too.

She did say a few things though... as I have always been curious as to why my bloods have got worse over the years. And honestly, no-one really knows. But, it was an issue my gran had but no-one else in my family so could maybe be investigated if it continues to be an issue. ANYWAY, we agreed that next time, they should wait a week to do more bloods so that my veins have time to recover from being poked so many times, which I can see where she was coming from because I feel that Carrie would have got the blood first time had my right arm not been stabbed to death yesterday. Like the blood was there, but my veins supposedly have this ability to collapse/close up when a needle appears, which you can imagine, is frustrating as hell. It could also be potentially kidney related, what with the microvascular system being very closely related to kidney health and function... so the best and only thing that can be done is to wait till the afternoon for bloods at my surgery and also to drink wayyyyy too much. (Also, my blood is far too thick for a solid 3-4 hours after waking up, which with small veins, is a problem).

Anyway, they got the blood. I was happy. I have not felt this good in a while. And hopefully, its the last of the needing bloods for at least a month and half, well, June sometime, whenever my next renal appt is. I won't lie, I crashed for four hours, so maybe the onslaught on my veins does actually make me feel not okay even if I don't mind the blood tests themselves... but either way, it is blood damn well done, finally (lol). 

So yeah, emotional roller coaster. Thank God for my mental health calendar, the fact the coop in BBH had one box of my fave monster and well, my anti-depressants. I do feel like I could have been so much worse, but lately, I seem to have this uncanny ability to bounce back after a few hours, which I never used to be able to do. It makes me wonder if it is because I am not at work and stressed out therefore I am actually focusing more on myself and my needs and well, learning about how I work, I don't know. I feel like yesterday should have broken me and if I am honest, if they hadn't got the blood out today, I think that probably would have broken me as well, but it all worked out in the end so thank God we didn't have to wait and find out if I was gonna freak out. Either way, I still think this is the best my mental health and diabetes has been for years. Maybe I am meant to be an at home kind of work person? I don't really know.

It's given me stuff to think about anyway.

Before I sign off, I want to show you a ring that my amazing keyworking other half got for me cause of, well, all the stuff going on at the moment. 

"Keep (fucking) going."

Never have truer words been said.

That is it from me tonight! Time to share the heck out of this blog and get that view count up again!!! One day I will get adsense on this account, ONE DAY!

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0040]] Day 17 of Self-Isolation

It's a bad mental health day today. I think not seeing actual people is starting to take its toll.

Day 17 (Staying in is safe, staying in is safe, staying in is safe)

Okay, so I am just not feeling writing today for so many reasons that I lost count. So, what has happened today.

My order of Sword and Shield booster packs arrived today and I was excited because it was just nice to have a present to myself arrive and just, yeah, sad, I know. 

Alas, the card pulls were not great in comparison to the last packs I got, like, they filled a lot of gaps as I have only just started collecting the Sword and Shield base set but, no fancy full arts this time and the best card I think was the shiny Intelion. Are reverse shiny cards considered as rare nowadays or something? Cos I got a few of them... anyway, my excitement drained pretty quick after that, which sounds ridiculous as I am writing and I know it is like, luck of the draw and so on, but is my luck just that bad? 

I have been questioning that a lot. Do I deserve nice things or nice things to happen? Like, nice things have happened to me the last few months but it feels like the bad is overshadowing all of that no matter how had I try to let it not. I don't know when to stop trying, because I do keep trying but noting seems to be showing through for the amount that I have been well, trying. I dunno.

Either way, cards weren't great and I remember why I stopped collecting Sun and Mood cards... so we shall see what happens. At least I made about £2 on the code cards that came in the packs so there is that at least.

Everything is getting to me today. Lots of tiny things like "why is there so much crap in my house" and "I know none of this will be sorted over the weekend" and "why are my bloods so meh today" but what I think broke me for a small time earlier was that in the move of moving stuff upstairs in case we flooded, some very precious signed posters got crushed or ripped and that actually broke me and I stopped everything and cried. I badly took it out on the other half again but I don't really know where else I can turn atm cos I ain't the only one cooped up in the house all day and feeling like trash. Either way, I've decided I won't be putting any of my posters up in the music room when it's done, so I'll let the other half let loose with his music stuff instead.

As said above, my bloods are better than yesterday but it's taken all day to get them to normal.

I also realised that I am binge eating a lot, well, more so on days like today when things have been just not great. I eat stuff to help get me through till I can go to bed and sleep. Explains the amount of weight gain I've had over the last couple of years.

OH WELL. SHIT HAPPENS. Have a picture of Pom looking beautiful in the window of the cat room.

 Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0035]] Day 12 of Self-Isolation

Day 12 (I wonder what the news will be tomorrow... I'm guessing an even stricter lockdown?)

Good evening everyone! How is everyone doing? I realise I never ask this unless people speak to me first, alas, I hope you are all okay and thank you for coming by to read my daily posts!!!

I am going to do another blog with pictures. Because, the world prefers pictures to reading and to be honest, my reading bone has kinda gone, give me pictures, give me images, give me... really crap camera photos? Haha...

SO, today was the big food shop day!!! 

SO many bags of food, well, no more than normal for our fortnightly shop but we had to get a few extra bits in because of me being home a lot more and because I can't go to the shops whilst Jake is at work. I also got to see my friend today and her partner and OMG it was so good to see and speak to other people (no offence other half, I like talking to you too). Don't worry, we did social distancing throughout, and we managed to get all the shopping we needed and got it home safely too with no problems, so yey for a plan working out and coming together nicely!

I also have to cut down on salt in my food so we had to shop based around that, which the other half did so damn well, I am proud! I've tried to meal plan for when we are home together to eat together as well as for me when I'm on my own at home. We got some good fresh stuff in so I can do salads at home, which will definitely help me cut down on my salt intake. We have also got some decent things in for breakfast because sometimes, I am not great at eating breakfast because I get bored of it, so I have some alternatives which are also healthy and low carb to help me and my diabetes that way. Plus, I am doing my best to keep a routine to my days in the week, so I might prepare healthy lunched before bed or in the morning to keep me in control of my food and carb intake and help me work out my insulin ratios. It's going to be a lot to get used to, especially as I am a renown snacker to the max, especially when I am in the house all day, but, I am also a creature that likes control, so, if I can healthily control my food, it might help with my mental health whilst I am at home.

Speaking of food... I smashed dinner tonight!

Giant yorkies, Cumberland sausages, roasties and cheese mash, loads of fresh veggies and a lot of gravy. It's actually my first time attempting a kind of Sunday dinner, however, we both smash it cos we are heathens, but I already feel so much better having some fresh veggies for the first time in a while. 

That being said, somewhat related note, it was so nice to see the veg drawers full of fresh food today, as well as the cupboards and freezer stocked to, but it was the veggies that struck a note from me, because I don't actually remember the last time I filled the fridge with veggies!!!

SO, what else has been crack-a-lackin? 

More big house tidy up times! Or should I say, I think I finally conquered the problem of what to do with the last three rooms in my house that I wrote about last night. I figured, we can store mattresses in the spare room for when peeps stay over, chuck ALL the furniture out because it is not used and takes up space and finally deal with all the rubbish and items that don't need to be in there or just got left there and was never chucked away. I think so far, I have like 6 bags of rubbish, three-quarters of which aren't mine... but either way... I blocked myself in and had to get the other half to help me get out. Which was funny... because I tried to stretch to get out, my feet got no grip and I kinda did the first splits I have done in years, like, a good 20 years and ho damn it bloody hurt, I am still in pain now. I may have broken my vagina, I have no idea! But yeah, the photo is what I got stuck behind... now to chuck it all outside and wait for all this corona stuff to blow over so it can go to the skip.

Phew.

Other than that, it's been Animal Crossing and kitty cat cuddles, and it's all just perfect.

I'm not looking forward to next week and spending more time on my own again, but looking at the amount I have to do upstairs and organise downstairs, I think I have enough to keep me ticking over, and I know I'll be more inspired to art and write and read when all this is done and sorted. Tidy house, tidy mind.

Anyway my friends, keep safe, wash your hands, social distance, stay at home!

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0033]] Day 10 of Self-Isolation

Things are changing quicker and quicker each day and I can't keep up. This virus truly does not discriminate.

Day 10 (I am a God, that is all)

Today's title might need some explaining.

I took apart a recliner. It was very heavy and much chonky. But I did it. Magic.

So as you're all aware, I am currently sorting out my house whilst I am off of work to protect myself from further kidney damage due to the big V (no it doesn't cause kidney damage but the effect it would have on my diabetes would result in further kidney damage). Anyway, sorting house. We moved this armchair upstairs last year when we thought we were going to flood (it was so close omg) and it has just been upstairs making our bedroom look smaller ever since.

So, today I got a screwdriver, tipped the bad boy over, managed to click it off its rusted hinges (old chair is oldddd) and then wriggled the back off and chucked it all on the landing to bring downstairs once the office is sorted. So yah, mission accomplished. I am rather satisfied at myself. And the fact my bedroom looks like a bedroom again and there is space for all the washing I am doing.

I did get a phone call from HR today, they thought I had symptoms, they didn't know I was off cos diabetes and underlying health condition that makes it difficult to breathe. I think I sorted that out though, although I think they are gonna try and find me work to do from home which will be interesting considering I am not really qualified to do the stuff beyond my department at work and I can't do my job from home because in involves patient notes... anyway, I decided to ring my doctors, which was actually a pleasant experience. The receptionist was so lovely to talk to, although she couldn't help because they are not dealing with Covid-19, which is fair, but we ended up having a massive conversation about everything, like she had heard Boris Johnson got it but she didn't know about the health minister Matt Hancock and stuff, then we both raged about how not enough people or staff are being tested (which I believe is changing next week) and finally, she said, after I explained my health conditions, that I should be getting a letter because 3 million are being sent out including high risk of severe illness, and if not, gave me the info to make sure I get one and that if I don't feel safe at work because of Covid-19, to remain off until safe, because she would rather we had a healthy NHS worker back and not a dead or severely more sick one (cos it would ruin my kidneys and I would need dialysis or transplant). Either way, I think the receptionist was just happy to talk to someone, and hear my cat meowing insistently down the bloody phone. Stupid cat. She stopped meowing when I got off the phone. 

Honestly, today has been really good and the nice actions I am seeing done for people by others really restores my faith in humanity and lifts my spirits.

First, the #clapforcares and #clapforNHS last night. I didn't think anyone would go outside down my end and I wanted to film it incase anyone did. I took a cigarette outside to smoke whilst I waited and noticed a window on the other side of the road opening and looking out. I didn't think anyone was going to clap, but then I heard it, and omg it made me tear up a bit! I might not be at work at the moment, but I am so glad I work for the NHS... I don't think we will ever see a moment like this again if I am honest, but I am glad that I got to be a part of it. Heck, my other half heard all the clapping as he left work at 8pm too. A proper big moral boost for everyone who is a carer or in the NHS right now. 

Secondly, I got a message from my landlady today... they're halving our rent due to everything going on at the moment. I had messaged last week to say I may be off for a time and funds will be reduced but I never expected this... again, such a massive help and a mood lifter, I am so so so grateful right now.

Thirdly, we don't have a car to go food shopping, but, thanks to some ideas on FB and a long time friend who I've not seen for an age but miss, we now have a plan to get a decent lot of food shopping on Sunday: the other half will go buy it and the friend will bring it back to me waiting at home. And means I get to see a friend for the first time in a week, in person, from a distance. I am so thrilled.

It's amazing, the amount people are willing to help one another at a time like this, whether helping in the community or on the front lines, to working in shops and so on. It's amazing. It is a shame that it has taken a pandemic for this to happen, but maybe this was needed for us all to stop being so cynical and restore all of our faith in humanity. Who knows. Heck, this virus does not discriminate, maybe we should all now stop discriminating too? Just a thought either way.

Nonetheless, it is now less that two weeks till my birthday. I am at a loss at what to do. I'm not sure if I'll be home on my own in the day or if my partner will be home. I know I won't be seeing my friends or family. The trip to London has been cancelled for a week now and the gig is now confirmed cancelled everywhere, just waiting for refunds. Can't go to town to buy stuffs. Not sure if I'll have a cake. But its okay, because I do what us all to kick this virus' lil butt to hell and (not) back.

I'm trying to not be sad about everything cancelling after the half a year I have had with bad news left right and centre. I still want something awesome or amazing to happen to make up for all the bad that has been plaguing me for ages now. But, what can I do? I just have to keep on going. Because there genuinely is not anything I can do at this point, there is nothing anyone can do.

I may treat myself to a nice shop on EMP or merchoid, or buy some Lego to play with. That might cheer me up.

Heck, it's just another day haha!!!

OH YEAH, I've had good blood sugars ALL DAY! FINALLY!!!

Anyway, thats it for now guys.

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0030]] Day 7 of Self-Isolation

Lockdown finally happened guys, but is it too little, too late?

Day 7 (Shit is getting real guys, shit is getting REAL)

So, a week of self-isolation is done. And it is getting harder and harder, especially when the other half is at work (NHS necessary worker, essential worker? Either way, important worker). Like, I seem to be alright-ish at keeping it together when he is home but as soon as he is gone, it's like every little things is a lot more worse then it should be and the emotions take over. 

But today, I have remembered that I need to try and do a mood sammich for what has been going on, for structure is important and I want to try and stay as consistent as I can.

WE HAVE the most wonderful friends!!!

We had a delivery last night of this cute little bundle of important things you don't realise you need until you can't easily get them. But yes, we had a delivery of 4pints of milk and some eggs which OMG we have bacon to go with those eggs and I cannot wait to smash them tomorrow morn for breakfast with the other half. Might even dig the last couple of slices of bread out the freezer for these bad boys, or maybe the wraps, bacon and egg wraps are always good.

Obvs after this, queue one heck of an hour long FB video call as we pissed ourselves laughing over FB filters and shizzle. My face actually hurt, but it was definitely needed, although when you realise that out of the four of us, this is only week 1 (well, week 2 for me) of staying home, this bodes well right haha? 

I forgot to mention, but the other half brought me home some nice sweet treats that Costa gave away at the hospital as well as a Subway (what with all the places closing) and OMG it was the best thing I have eaten since I ran out of crisps on Saturday night, so yes, yesterday was tough in the day but the evening did certainly pick up.

The food situation is getting... interesting though. I've realised that we are now running down to the last few potato items and a lot of pasta 'n' sauces and I have done nothing really but eat either pasta or white rice the last few days and it is badly starting to take its toll on my body (grimly put, can't poop and bloated as hell as well as soooo much lethargy). I try to avoid eating pasta as best as I can but it's kinda all we are starting to have left now so I don't exactly get much choice until we are eventually able to go food shopping at the end of the week (which sorting the logistics for is a phat nightmare). I have to eat and do my insulin but I don't think I can eat any more pasta? I feel like I am going to pop so the daunting reality that is all I might eat for the next two days just sucks. But there is nothing can be done about it. Well, other than eat the left over cheese coleslaw and some white choc coco pops and hope that keeps you going until tomorrow morning haha.

Sadly, we are already asking family for help again cos we honestly have 20p left. I hate asking, I really do. I am checking my bank every hour or so in case any of the refunds have cleared for London but I know it's too soon for that. It's okay, three more sleeps till payday, even if I can't buy anything new as the other half has to do all that on his way home from work. Friday could end up being a pretty grim day.

So. The mental health crap. 

It is bad. It is getting bad anyway. OMG I think, since the other half left today, I must have cried about five or six times over random stupid things I did not need to cry and get frustrated over but not only that, I also hurt my throat by screaming when things just wouldn't work. It sounds so pathetic now that I am typing it out and reading this back to myself but annoyingly, this is what I do when I am on my own, the emotions take over and every little thing seems way bigger than it needs to be.

So one of the things that I think broke me the most, was trying to live stream on my channel over on mixer earlier this afternoon. Noting would go right, so my camera would show but then the game screen wouldn't, and it would keep chopping and changing between the two no matter how many times I shut them down, reset everything and so on. Then I managed both on the screen but something cut off half the camera so had to faff with the layers for my stream again and then it lost the screen feed. I think sound went a couple of times as well. And each time I thought the stream stuff would be ready and I went live and viewed back... it went wrong, I stopped the stream, screamed and cried and screamed and cried some more then tried again. It was hell. Specially as I am trying to eek out the rizla that our wonderful friends dropped round for me as the other half took the only pack we had to work with him... yes, that also made me cry and scream and trash the smoking area in the kitchen too.

I think what made the live stream failing for a solid 45mins worse was the fact I am live streaming so I can talk and respond to those who talk to me in the chat. And I think t hat is what made me cry the most. I needed to speak but it kept going to shit and I just could not. It kept going wrong and what had I done to deserve everything going to shit?

I don't like acting like this, I hate it that this is what I come to when things just keep going wrong and not going right or not being there when needed and so on. It's been so tough. But until the thing goes right or works, I will keep crying and screaming and its the worst. Like I can't wait for the other half to get home so I can find it easier to hold it all back until Thursday when I am on my own again.

But this is what I do. I'm hoping it will ease off when we are paid and at least hopefully, once cars and stuff are sorted, we have the food, drink and baccy we need that the screaming crying freak outs will lessen, if not go cos it'll just be one bad thing at a time, not a bajillion at once. Like, being able and knowing I can go out for a cigarette because we have baccy helps a lot because that is my go to when I hate everything.

On a plus point, I don't think I will be mobile streaming again for a while now anyway... it's going to take too long with incense to stream the end of the Genesect stuff so at least that is one less stress to worry about for now.

I did get very very pissed off with GO Battle League this morning, what with people cheating in a third shield or just in general losing four matches in a row when I'm trying super hard to get to rank 10 rewards as well as get a Coballion encounter. Which I managed by fluke, eventually... but, it's just a game and I know that and yes I know battling is not my thing with Pokemon, it's catching them all and shiny hunting so any other time the game would not bother me, but it was the stupid game that made me so ragey this morning and it carried through everything throughout the day.

I did get the Coballion at least though, by absolute fluke (screen faded and I thought my last mon has faded cos it was damn close to doing so but boom, I won). And then I turned the game off until I live streamed cos ho damn I did want to kill a bitch because I was pissed at a game. 

In other news, I ran out of hypo supplies today so maybe being angry and stressed will keep my bloods up so I don't have a hypo? Not a great way to deal with things but... no hypos means no needing stuff so... seems sound to me (seriously, do not do this fellow diabetic friends, I am the worst kind of human). 

I guess I should end this on the UK's latest news, which was announced at 8:30pm last night... we are now in lockdown. It has to happen and honestly, I fully accept it happening. I do feel it should have happened sooner, but it took people taking the mic at beaches at the weekend for this to finally occur. Better later than never, although I do feel it should have happened sooner.

I know it's not easy, as I am only just completing my first week in iso, and no one likes staying at home. Especially those who are alone or having to isolate away from their loved ones due to illness and/or symptoms. But, this needed to happen and it needed to be done, and should have been done a lot sooner. But hopefully, people have been saved now. Long story short, you need someone to vent at, here I am friends, we are in this together.

Anyway, I'm tired and I definitely need a lie down after the emotional rollercoaster today has been.

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0020]] Week 8 Overview - I'm still a piece of garbage

Ha... ha... ha. This weekly overview post is bought to you by Fortnite, proving to the world, inadvertently, that I am indeed, in fact, a piece of garbage! You're welcome!!!

Seriously though, I joke a lot that I am trash and my friends joke that they are also trash so all-in-all, we are all garbage, just Fortnite just had to take it to another level and prove it to everyone that when I joke that I am a piece of trash, I am, in fact, really trash lmao! If you check out our gaming shizzle on (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram), you can see the video proof of the piece of garbage that I am, as I get stuck in a dumpster on Fortnite and get slaughtered by some... brute things.

On a serious note, I don't think I am really a piece of garbage, but there are times when I honestly do feel like trash and I guess I joke about it because it gets ya through it or something? This week has three quarters been a bit of a garbage week, and even if now I only consider a quarter of the week to be less garbage, on the outside it looks like the week has been better but on the inside there are some icky gross thoughts and I'm still diabetically burnt out if that is a thing... so on with the diabetes part of the week I guess!!!

So as you can see, I have not posted a blood test chart again. This is because I am honestly embarrassed and annoyed at myself that I haven't blood tested as much as I should just because I have reached that annoying point I have reached so many times before, which is that I am afraid to see what the metre is going to show me. I am hoping, like last week, that next week is a better week for me but we shall see. I cannot predict the future after all. 

The one thing I can say is that I think I have found the right amount of Toujeo long acting insulin to do, which is 26 units. My bloods have been okay when I wake up in the morning, which is amazing... and also really conflictingly confusing because I wake up every morning with the worst dry mouth of my life. But I guess that might be my new neuro meds combined with being back on my old antidepressants, but who knows? (I certainly don't...)

I guess you are wondering why things have been so bad? Well, I guess its my bad for trying to get on with life with the new changes and thinking that that will be enough for not and then BOOM, I get more bad news to do with my health, and it shatters everything, ya know? Long story short, found out a week or two ago I had CKD (I speak about it in this post) and now I have serious damage to my eyes due to type 1 diabetes. If you haven't read my previous blog post about this, you can check it out over HERE! So yeah, if it is not one thing, then its another and it's making things very difficult for me at the moment. 

I think the only other bad things are the fact I had major anxiety at work over a bloody telephone (I've worked there long enough, I thought I would be over it by now) and that one of the jobs I do a lot is changing to include more work and I am a little bit worried that is going to stress me out and up my blood sugars again and I am not too sure I am mentally prepared for that... alas, we will deal with that in exactly 10 hours I guess, haha!!!

Alas, all things aside mental health and diabetic-burnout wise... I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do with it again. One thing I have decided, just not sure when I will do it (maybe after this blog post now I have reminded myself), is that I definitely do want to take the MA Creative Writing and Publishing degree at my local uni. I studied my BSc in Biomedical Science there as well as my integrated masters course MBio Biomedical Science and I honestly miss being in the learning environment and I also miss writing; I also want to complete one of my dreams in writing creatively and professionally before I am too sick to do so. It's morbid, I know... but, I want to do all of these things sooner rather than later. Yes, uni did stress me out a lot but... being in an academic environment helped my mental health a lot and I want to do every little thing I can to help my mental health and happiness. At this point, I have no idea if I will be able to do another Masters let alone if I can fund it (I guess GoFundMe is an option for that one just in case...) but... there is no harm in at least going to an open day... so maybe watch this space for some happier future times maybe? 

Something else I have been starting to realise of late is that I do want to eventually cut at least one more bank shift at work, maybe both. I don't know how I can do this, but going back to uni might be one way if I can get funding. But that won't be forever... and one thing I do know for certain, especially as neuropathy will eventually get worse and my legs pains get worse and we can't forget the kidney stuff too... I do want to earn some kind of pennies from doing some kind of work from home. So writing and my blog might help with that eventually but then we are gaming now too... and yes it is early days and we are a long long way away from earning anything decent from it, but it is the fact we have the basic equipment and we could eventually make something from doing something we love.

I've made some suggestions to the other half today which we have put in to motion! If you look above, we finally have a basic mock up for a logo! We are gonna change the colours and style each time the Fortnite Battle Pass changes, and this season, it's Spy themed so... here ya go! I also have been suggesting getting a twitter (I get way more interaction for gaming posts on Twitter then I do my own posts) as well as an Instagram and Facebook page (I linked these in the opening post, so please give them a look and follow!) so hopefully we can get a few more fans and followers over on mixer when we stream... and we will be one step closer! Next thing I am hoping we can do, is to pay for Mixer Pro, which should help with networking (thank you bestie Josh for that one!!!!) and last but not least... I am hoping that we can stream every time either or both of us turns on a console to game! I feel being super active might help but we shall see!!!

I got a new vape today by the way! I think I mentioned last week that I have decided to cut out drinking alcohol because the last couple of times that I have, I have ended up really sick which I think is due to my CKD. Next on my list is to try and quit smoking although this one I am going to find more difficult because it is my go to thing when I am not doing okay.

I have tried vaping before but they always make me cough worse than the CKD making me not breathe and the smoking... but the other half got a new vape that you can change the wattage on and turns out, that helped a lot!

I picked up this beast from 888 Vapour in my local town (also offers 20% discount for NHS workers too) and omg, I prefer it so much already! I can actually vape this how I actually smoke, the whole vape to lung instead of holding it in my mouth to cool and stuff, I can just vape it how I've needed to all along and omg, I feel so much better for it already. This one charges by USB C as well, which is a blood saviour cos they're the only cables I have, the battery is so much better as well as the battery life and I love that you can change the screen colour and see vape info and stuff as well. The kit I picked up is a brand I haven't used before, called Wismec R80 and we also got some V4 Nicotine Salt vape juice in melon ice, cherry ice and tropical mix. These are really high concentrations in nicotine which have genuinely helped people cut down... and at this point, I have a good feeling about this vape helping me. Let's see what the future holds!

LOOK GUYS I AM GETTING A BATH IN MY HOUSE OMG I HAVE WANTED A BATH FOR SO LONG, YOU HAVE NO IDEA I LOVE MY HOUSE AND I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE YEARS WITH JUST TWO SHOWERS AND JUST SOMETIMES YOU NEED A BATH AND LIKE I AM GETTING ONE AND MY DAD AND BROTHER ARE FITTING IT AND IT IS SO AWESOME AND EXCITING IT FEELS LIKE MY CHRISTMAS, BIRTHDAY AND HALLOWEEN ROLLED IN TO ONE HOLY CRAP!!!

Okay, so the left picture is after the tiles and wall were knocked down, lovingly known as the earthquake cos it kinda looks like an earthquake broke my bathroom and the brother. The builder who fitted the shower when we moved in was not good... didn't let the plaster dry, didn't use moisture board and long story short, I took a sit down shower and my shoulder went straight through the tiles... so, we needed a new one. BUT we are getting a bath and I am so happy I could cry. One of the main reasons I wanted one is that in a bath, I cannot feel the pain in my legs and the neuropathy in foot just disappears and it means for a solid half an hour, I can't feel anything in my right leg and it is the best feeling. The right is the work my dad and bro have done so far, and omg this time next week, I can have a bath and I cannot wait. My bath bomb from Lush is totally ready! We are planning on decorating as well... so we should be getting some nice grey lino for the floor and we have some nice blue bathmats that we will get some matching paint for... and honestly, I hope this inspires us to put some more love into our home and decorate it some more cos we be stuck here for a few more years yet until we can afford to buy (which I hope I can buy this one but who knows...)

And lastly... I have the greatest friends in the world. Josh and Bridie... thank you thank you thank you for always being there for me and restoring my faith in humanity and just being amazing. I love you guys and I cannot wait to see you in April (London and Wales trips in April are booked, and cannot wait!!!)

This weeks rating:⭐⭐⭐☆☆

Bye everyone!!!

[[0011]] Week 4 Overview

Happy Sunday evening everyone... and apologies for the muchas late weekly review post. It has been a day and a half and then some on the organising front... and even then, things aren't organised. Slightly better, but not organised. And somewhat more disorganised too, if that is even possible. 

But we will get on to that later. First things first, the weekly blood test results review... and... it's been bad. 

Since going to the Diabetic Clinic on Tuesday, I honestly have felt so damn burned out by the diabetes again, which I haven't felt like since before hospital, when I was stressed, had stress going on in my life, when everyday was stress and I had no time to think of the diabetes. 

Again, the clinic was great and I am glad I went, as there are some positive changes on the way, hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday, whenever my prescription gets updated and changed and I have new medication but... it's the age old chat of "you are too young for complications" along with, "yes, you have been stressed and stuff but complications..." and yes I damn well know all of this and I have known for absolutely YEARS and nothing will ever change the fact that I have lived the vast majority of my life with some kind of stress and anxiety and depression and so forth... and just, I get it. I get it and I just want some changes to be positive about, like, "well done on lowering the HbA1c into the nurses target range" and "well done for having the balls to remove toxic people and life stress from your life to get better" and heck, even "well done for trying to keep on top of things and trying to keep your bloods in range" and blah blah blah. 

Urgh... its a burn out week. It really is. I'm hoping with next week being a new week, things are going to be a little bit better but, I honestly can never tell. The fact I can feel that the diabetes control is slowly starting to major control my life is starting and continuing to eat away at me and I hate it. Its becoming an obsession, and I hate that it is, because I just want to deal with it and get on with my life as normally as possible but it honestly doesn't feel like I can do that right now... not with the carb counting dietitian appointment coming up. Like I know how to carb count, I've read how too... but it seems to consume every little thing you do when you eat and I hate that... I get why, I get why it's fantastic... I just hate it because we all know eating is vital to staying alive but it shouldn't make me feel like it is taking over... and it is. I hate it so much. This is one of the reasons I rebelled so much as a kid... that and being in secondary school with T1D is bloody hard anyway when peer pressure is everywhere and you get picked on for being diabetic amongst other things. Oh well, at least I know, after following some diabetes groups on Facebook, that I am not the only one who has so many problems.

However, I have been preparing for my trip to London, which I feel like I may actually need at this point because I don't think I've had a mini break since June last year, so it's long overdue and might just give me a chance to relax, de-stress and for once, enjoy myself in the city I love. 

I've also been preparing my next blog post for you all, which I am hoping will be like a show and tell kind of thing. The picture to the left is a little bag I found whilst packing my stuff for London, and I've decided to use it for all my diabetes kit and stuff. I've never done something like this before, and tend to let things hang loose in the bottom/front pocket of my bag, but I've been seeing people doing similar so it seemed a great thing to do, and something my mental health doesn't seem to mind doing because it appeals to my sense of organisation. Plus, geeky is best haha, would you expect anything less from me? Eitherway, the other half is gonna grab some dextros tablets and what not to put in the pouch tomorrow and then it will be ready for show and tell on Tuesday, so be ready to check out post 0012! I am actually quite excited about it!!

Speaking of packing... it is what I have spent most of today doing... as well as washing up a lot of clothes because my wonderful cats are absolute dicks... and decided at some point over the last week or so, to make my life hell. Not that I didn't have a lot of washing to do or ought, but I knew what I wanted to take to London with me and for once I intended on packing early so that I wasn't rushing the night before (we will be streaming Tuesday night before we go so the more prepared the better yo!). 

Alas, I entered the bathroom on Saturday... realised a lot of the dirty clothes in there were a bit damp... and then the smell hit me. The cats had decided to protest the old litter tray and their hate of it and decided to pee on the clothes... (I think Pom Pom did most of the peeing mind you, I'll post a picture of her in another post)... but then I found some cat poop hidden neatly under some clothes and I knew exactly who had done that one. Pictured above is my beautiful shit bag of cat, who has pooped in my bedroom before and covered it with my shorts... which is kind of sweet because she is a clean kitty but OMG WHY POOP AND PEE IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOUR LITTER TRAY IS LESS THAN TO METRES AWAY? Seriously, I love my baby snuggle butt, but I do question her life choices at the best of times. Needless to say though, both kitties now have a new litter tray, with litter liners and freshener and a cute cat paw print mat and they seem to be loving their new toilet as there have been no more accidents.

However, it has not changed the fact I am now uber behind of clothes washing to the point I have had to set up two airers, as well as hanging washing off shower doors and radiators and trying to dry stuff in the tumble dryer (which is actually drying slower than the radiators... BLEH!) I mean, I have nearly finished packing, bar two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt which I am waiting to dry/finish washing and then obvs, my back pack for travelling but... at least I am getting there? It's pretty much the only thing in my life right now that is actually organised haha

I am looking forward to London though... I get to see friends I don't get to see often (missed you Misa and Meg and Brum/Manchester crew ❤️) but I also get to see an amazing band I absolutely love, buy more band merch for the band merch/music room but also planning on going to the Natural History Museum, which was one of my all time favourite places as a kid!!! Our friends who live near us, Sarah and Mike, are also coming to see Dir en Grey for the first time and I am actually so bloody excited for them too eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Speaking of music... guess who got tickets to see My Chemical Romance in June for a certain someones birthday? I did!!! The other halfs family helped towards them seen as he's always wanted to see MCR, and tbh I am quite excited. My diabetes on the other hand, went absolutely mental during and after buying tickets because of the anxiety of the queue and then the fact I actually managed to get them. Needless to say, this year is a fantastic year for seeing music, and I have been saying for ages that I wanted to enjoy life a bit more now I am not as stressed and bogged down with things. So roll on Dir en Grey on Wednesday, then MUCC and Skindred for my birthday and finally MCR in June! Now to pray Versailles, Jupiter or Kamijo announce for this year... would be pretty perfect! 

But I should probably bring this back round to diabetes... as per usual. I'm not sure, but I think my neuropathy might be getting worse, or the medication just is not working (because I know for a fact it is not working as an anti-depressant). Today, after all the walking I did yesterday, alongside the super manual job I did at work on Friday alongside hunting through the house and climbing over things today, the pins and needles in my bad foot has intensified again to the point that I am finally feeling the pain everyone goes on about. I am a bit concerned and  don't really know what to do because its a nerve problem so normal over the counter pain killers do absolutely nothing. I'm hoping it gets better before London, and might have to beg the fiance for a foot rub when he's filling less sick... so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope I get some new medication for neuropathy this week.

I also think I may have figured out a way to sleep better without the aid of my old anti-depressant, Mirtazapine. I've actually been getting to sleep easier since Wednesday when I bought the new thermal 15tog duvet (we have a freezing house omg)... and I have been dropping off a lot easier. I've been reading for a while about those weighted blankets and I know its not the same but... this duvet is heavier and I think I might actually need something weighted to help me sleep better. Maybe, if I ever make some pennies off this blog, I could put them towards one of those heavy blankets? Would be awesome!!!

Anyway... that be enough rambling for one week, plus I need some damn good rest before work tomorrow as I am on the super manual job again as well as training someone on the lead role. So... be back on Tuesday guys, and thank you for sticking around!

[[0004]] Week 1 Overview

Hello everyone! I've reached 150 pageviews, so thank you! I only hope from here out on out, the blog continues to grow and hopefully help teach people and support others too. I've decided that on each Sunday, to help encourage me with my diabetic control, that I will post an overview of the week, so in that I can see any trends and good days as well as any bad days and places that I need to improve.

1) Me and Jake before our first live stream of the year!

So to kick things off, what have I been up to? So, as well as starting a blog about type 1 diabetes, another New Years resolution that myself and my fiance had was to start live streaming a little more. This was because of the 24 hour event we did last year to raise money for one of my favourite charities, JDRF in which we raised just over £200 to go towards research into finding a cure for type 1 diabetes. We enjoyed the stream so much, and its also a dream of Jake's, that we wanted to start streaming more... so as of this Saturday, we will now be found on mixer (Queen and McBooty) every Saturday and once a fortnight (starting Tuesday 14th January) and we hope to keep this up throughout the year! We will also be participating in further 24 hour fundraisers for JDRF in the future, so keep a look out for us! And feel free to pop us a follow on mixer too~

2) Cuddles with my baby princess. Actual cuddles!

Since being taken into hospital last year and realising some big changes needed to occur in my life, I began taking a Wednesday off work. This is mainly to recuperate after two full days in a row at work, allowing me to rest up my foot before going back to work for Thursdays and Fridays. 

Don't get me wrong, I miss working full time, but this was for the best for me, and I am not losing out too too much now that Jake works full time too. I tried to work three days in a row last year and I was absolutely exhausted and in a lot of pain... so never again from here on out. 

So what did I do with my day? Spent most the morning with my two cats, Pom Pom and Magnus, in bed, as I was told by the other half to actually have a rest day and not touch any cleaning or tidying until the weekend haha! I won't lie, I had an amazing and chilled Wednesday morning, because Magnus came to sit on my chest (which she used to do a lot as a kitten to keep warm, but not so much anymore) and then she slipped to a small gap between my arm and side, and placed a paw over me like a proper cuddle and honestly, I had the most amazing nap like this, it was bloody wonderful! 

I have been struggling a lot emotionally this week, a lot has suddenly changed which is funny because I knew the changes were coming but they still hit me like a brick. I actually used to be really independent, and then I met Jake and realised I didn't need to be as much as a hard ass as I was before (trust me, there were damn good reasons as to why I was such an independent hard ass, but that is a story for another day). I may have got too used to having him around all the time, making me food and looking after me and so on, as this was the week he finally went on to his night shifts and even that they start three hours after my own shifts, that equates to an extra four hours of being home on my own, and then a whole day with my Wednesdays off too. It's sad, but I miss having someone to travel to work with and have lunch with then travel home and have dinner with, but I'm sure I will adjust in time... hopefully. Or pray he gets a day shift like me, I can live in hope!

Wednesday again was a weird one. I ended up needing to go to the shop, but couldn't find jeans to wear and cried about that and went back to bed to wake up to a massive hypo. So, I tried to wear Jake's jeans but I'm a lil too big in the butt for them to do up, so had a cry about that. I then cried because I stubbed my toe, and because Spotify came out of my account when it shouldn't have, and when I couldn't find socks and then because the house was too quiet and all in all, Wednesday morning was great but the rest was just utter stress. I got through it though. I just hope the next Wednesday off is better... I know the emotions and crying was because of the hypo... but oh God, I felt so stupid.

3) Bar graph of the weeks blood
test results.

SO, blood results and stats for this week! Because yes, I might not be in a Science role at the moment, but you can't take the Science of the ex-Masters biosciences student so graphs and stats can be sadly and oddly satisfying!

Both graphs display the same results, but I know for some people, one is easier to read that the other, so take a peak at whichever you like! (Personally, I prefer the bar graph because pretty colours but the line graph is much easier to read and see the changes in blood sugar results).

These results are dated from the 6th to the 12th January, and looking at the results, they are interesting.

I still haven't been able to stabilise my blood sugar results, which still infuriates me (and sometimes, makes me just want to give up with even trying).

4) Line graph of the weeks blood
test results.

I have technically had six hypos this week, although only five are shown on the graph. This is because when I took one of the results, the one that said 4.0, I ended up having a hypo on the bus home so had to quickly sort it out when I got off at the bus station, thank goodness for the local coop that is there! 

You'll also notice that towards the end of the week, I ended up having three hypos in the space of about 36 hours. I don't think I have mentioned this yet, but, I either have one hypo or three in a short space of time, no more, no less haha and I have honestly just got used to it! These hypos started just after midnight on Friday night, I was very tired so I think I went to bed early, woke up having a hypo, then woke up in the morning having another one. I was then fine for the rest of the day, then had one this Sunday morning when I woke up! Thankfully, we knew I would end up with a third so we managed to pick up some hypo drink and snacks yesterday so it was easy to sort out... the two hypos previous? Not so much... that ended up being a result of scraping together the last of the Christmas sweets and chocolate, two thirds of a pack of biscuits and Pepsi Max with sugar mixed in to it... it worked... but definitely not my ideal way of fixing my hypos.

Good news for next week however is that thanks to my Dad, we went food shopping today so managed to stock up on big bottles of sugary energy drink and a couple of other bits, so we should be okay for the next two weeks until our big payday! 

5) Weekly blood result stats

I guess I kind of did my own little science experiment with myself this week as well. On Thursday night, I left my insulin pen at work, which meant I couldn't have any dinner when I got back from work as no medication to counteract those carbohydrates, noooo! This was the day my blood sugar was 4.0mmol/L after I finished prepping a massive clinic at work. I could feel my lips going a bit tingly and my concentration draining, so I had a hypo drink and left to go home then realised I didn't have my insulin with me and I was absolutely famished! So began the hunt for finding food I could eat that I did not need to medicate for. 

When I was in hospital, I learnt that there are some foods and snacks that I don't need to do insulin for as they have no carbs or sugar in them and until then, I honestly had no idea about any of this at all! One of these things is cheese... absolutely no carbs so I can eat as much as I like and not need to do a drop of insulin and because I absolutely LOVE cheese, I could not have been more happy about this. But finding something cheap was going to be a lot harder. There was nothing in the shop near the bus station so I checked the one nearer to my house, and there they had these amazing mini sweet chilli peppers stuffed with cream cheese and when I got home, I devoured the heck out of them. My body was so ready. When Jake got back from work, I did another blood test and the result was still really good, 4.9mmol/L! That was because of the energy drink I'd had at work to stop my hypo and nothing to do with my peppers and cheese... so now I try to make sure I have more cheese and vegetable snacks so I don't have to med before I eat (which helps me feel a little bit more normal, which is nice in my not so ordinary little world). I've decided when our finances are a little better, I am going to do a kind of insulin fast in a way, where I will be able to check if my night time basal dose of Lantus insulin is correct, by only eating foods I don't need to medicate for (this includes meat as well as cheese, eggs, small bags of crisps and vegetables).

And finally, the overall blood stats for the week. I'd say to not pay attention to the average of 10.1mmol/L as this is a culmination of all the results, so does not take into account the blood sugar results when I have not tested. I am going to try to do more results next week as well as begin to count the amount of carbohydrates in my foods before medication, although I already know it may take me a little longer to adjust to doing that one. Overall, I am pleased with my evening blood results more so than my lunch time ones at work as for some reason, they always seem to run a little higher so I know I need to look into that further... but all in all, that is it for this week! And thank you all again for reading and sticking by me throughout this all!