[[0030]] Day 7 of Self-Isolation

Lockdown finally happened guys, but is it too little, too late?

Day 7 (Shit is getting real guys, shit is getting REAL)

So, a week of self-isolation is done. And it is getting harder and harder, especially when the other half is at work (NHS necessary worker, essential worker? Either way, important worker). Like, I seem to be alright-ish at keeping it together when he is home but as soon as he is gone, it's like every little things is a lot more worse then it should be and the emotions take over. 

But today, I have remembered that I need to try and do a mood sammich for what has been going on, for structure is important and I want to try and stay as consistent as I can.

WE HAVE the most wonderful friends!!!

We had a delivery last night of this cute little bundle of important things you don't realise you need until you can't easily get them. But yes, we had a delivery of 4pints of milk and some eggs which OMG we have bacon to go with those eggs and I cannot wait to smash them tomorrow morn for breakfast with the other half. Might even dig the last couple of slices of bread out the freezer for these bad boys, or maybe the wraps, bacon and egg wraps are always good.

Obvs after this, queue one heck of an hour long FB video call as we pissed ourselves laughing over FB filters and shizzle. My face actually hurt, but it was definitely needed, although when you realise that out of the four of us, this is only week 1 (well, week 2 for me) of staying home, this bodes well right haha? 

I forgot to mention, but the other half brought me home some nice sweet treats that Costa gave away at the hospital as well as a Subway (what with all the places closing) and OMG it was the best thing I have eaten since I ran out of crisps on Saturday night, so yes, yesterday was tough in the day but the evening did certainly pick up.

The food situation is getting... interesting though. I've realised that we are now running down to the last few potato items and a lot of pasta 'n' sauces and I have done nothing really but eat either pasta or white rice the last few days and it is badly starting to take its toll on my body (grimly put, can't poop and bloated as hell as well as soooo much lethargy). I try to avoid eating pasta as best as I can but it's kinda all we are starting to have left now so I don't exactly get much choice until we are eventually able to go food shopping at the end of the week (which sorting the logistics for is a phat nightmare). I have to eat and do my insulin but I don't think I can eat any more pasta? I feel like I am going to pop so the daunting reality that is all I might eat for the next two days just sucks. But there is nothing can be done about it. Well, other than eat the left over cheese coleslaw and some white choc coco pops and hope that keeps you going until tomorrow morning haha.

Sadly, we are already asking family for help again cos we honestly have 20p left. I hate asking, I really do. I am checking my bank every hour or so in case any of the refunds have cleared for London but I know it's too soon for that. It's okay, three more sleeps till payday, even if I can't buy anything new as the other half has to do all that on his way home from work. Friday could end up being a pretty grim day.

So. The mental health crap. 

It is bad. It is getting bad anyway. OMG I think, since the other half left today, I must have cried about five or six times over random stupid things I did not need to cry and get frustrated over but not only that, I also hurt my throat by screaming when things just wouldn't work. It sounds so pathetic now that I am typing it out and reading this back to myself but annoyingly, this is what I do when I am on my own, the emotions take over and every little thing seems way bigger than it needs to be.

So one of the things that I think broke me the most, was trying to live stream on my channel over on mixer earlier this afternoon. Noting would go right, so my camera would show but then the game screen wouldn't, and it would keep chopping and changing between the two no matter how many times I shut them down, reset everything and so on. Then I managed both on the screen but something cut off half the camera so had to faff with the layers for my stream again and then it lost the screen feed. I think sound went a couple of times as well. And each time I thought the stream stuff would be ready and I went live and viewed back... it went wrong, I stopped the stream, screamed and cried and screamed and cried some more then tried again. It was hell. Specially as I am trying to eek out the rizla that our wonderful friends dropped round for me as the other half took the only pack we had to work with him... yes, that also made me cry and scream and trash the smoking area in the kitchen too.

I think what made the live stream failing for a solid 45mins worse was the fact I am live streaming so I can talk and respond to those who talk to me in the chat. And I think t hat is what made me cry the most. I needed to speak but it kept going to shit and I just could not. It kept going wrong and what had I done to deserve everything going to shit?

I don't like acting like this, I hate it that this is what I come to when things just keep going wrong and not going right or not being there when needed and so on. It's been so tough. But until the thing goes right or works, I will keep crying and screaming and its the worst. Like I can't wait for the other half to get home so I can find it easier to hold it all back until Thursday when I am on my own again.

But this is what I do. I'm hoping it will ease off when we are paid and at least hopefully, once cars and stuff are sorted, we have the food, drink and baccy we need that the screaming crying freak outs will lessen, if not go cos it'll just be one bad thing at a time, not a bajillion at once. Like, being able and knowing I can go out for a cigarette because we have baccy helps a lot because that is my go to when I hate everything.

On a plus point, I don't think I will be mobile streaming again for a while now anyway... it's going to take too long with incense to stream the end of the Genesect stuff so at least that is one less stress to worry about for now.

I did get very very pissed off with GO Battle League this morning, what with people cheating in a third shield or just in general losing four matches in a row when I'm trying super hard to get to rank 10 rewards as well as get a Coballion encounter. Which I managed by fluke, eventually... but, it's just a game and I know that and yes I know battling is not my thing with Pokemon, it's catching them all and shiny hunting so any other time the game would not bother me, but it was the stupid game that made me so ragey this morning and it carried through everything throughout the day.

I did get the Coballion at least though, by absolute fluke (screen faded and I thought my last mon has faded cos it was damn close to doing so but boom, I won). And then I turned the game off until I live streamed cos ho damn I did want to kill a bitch because I was pissed at a game. 

In other news, I ran out of hypo supplies today so maybe being angry and stressed will keep my bloods up so I don't have a hypo? Not a great way to deal with things but... no hypos means no needing stuff so... seems sound to me (seriously, do not do this fellow diabetic friends, I am the worst kind of human). 

I guess I should end this on the UK's latest news, which was announced at 8:30pm last night... we are now in lockdown. It has to happen and honestly, I fully accept it happening. I do feel it should have happened sooner, but it took people taking the mic at beaches at the weekend for this to finally occur. Better later than never, although I do feel it should have happened sooner.

I know it's not easy, as I am only just completing my first week in iso, and no one likes staying at home. Especially those who are alone or having to isolate away from their loved ones due to illness and/or symptoms. But, this needed to happen and it needed to be done, and should have been done a lot sooner. But hopefully, people have been saved now. Long story short, you need someone to vent at, here I am friends, we are in this together.

Anyway, I'm tired and I definitely need a lie down after the emotional rollercoaster today has been.

Over and out, mes amigos.