[[0018]] Week 7 Overview - Diabetic Mini MOT and a touch of partial burnout

I have decided that I am going to start naming these weekly overview posts with one line that ultimately sums up the week. It is appropriate, fitting and very much me. And thinking of whacky names for overview posts, how about like, a rating system for the week overall, after all, some weeks are good and some are just a total burn out... LOL.

I guess, to start with something semi-good for the week. I finally have all the new medication requested for me from the Doctor at the hospital clinic. Not that it is his fault it has been a long wait, I didn't know I needed to call up to push things along a bit quicker. The candesartan I already knew about as that got added to my prescription not long after my Toujeo insulin was, but I had no news on what I was getting to replace Duloxitine. Thankfully, I got a phone call from my Doctor booked and he put me back on mirtazapine straight away and gave me what he called a really good neuropathic medication which is pregabalin. Only downside of the latter is I have to take it twice a day instead of once so it's a whole new thing to remember to do in the evening, but I think I am getting one of those pill dispenser things with times of day and days of the week on soon to help me remember to take them all at the appropriate times. 

Good thing about the new neuro meds is that I no longer feel nauseous all the damn time, which is fantastic as that has been plaguing me since I started taking duloxitine last year; the worst was the sickness every time I ended up in stop-start traffic after work on the bus home, especially when inconsiderate people would glare at me for the weird noises I'd make to stop myself throwing up. I also feel my foot pins and needles less with these meds too, which is another bonus; it doesn't feel like I am clenching something with my toes on my bad foot anymore. Bad thing about the pregabalin is that for some reason, my balance is becoming somewhat off and I seem to drift a lot more than normal; I already have a cracking bruise on my arm from walking into the racking in my office. 

You're probably wondering what the tablets not in a box are, and these, my good friends and family, are the happy sleep pills I had before they were also replaced with the two in one duloxitine. EVERYONE who knows me, knows how badly my sleep has suffered without these, and in turn, my mental health, which has honestly felt like walking on the edge of a knife for the last couple of months. Sleep isn't enough to make me feel better, as are the tablets but they help me keep some kind of bare minimum control on my mental health when things get rough, which they major have been of late. I still feel down and depressed a lot and I am still overwhelmed by the sheer amount of control good diabetes management is seeming to have on my life, but I have my sleep back and I can deal with the world a little bit better now I have these antidepressants back... even if I run the chance of sleeping in my alarm because well, not slept properly in months till now!!!

You are probably wonder what I mean when I mention Diabetic Mini MOT? Well, I lovingly got this name idea from the gentleman doing the diabetic eye screening on Friday morning, after I told him that I had a dietitian appointment after the eye screening appointment.

I cannot tell you much about the eye screening other than look how massive my bloody pupils were after the eye drops... as you can guess, I had to leave work because my vision was all blurry. I'll get the results in a couple of weeks I believe but I know it will be signs of retinopathy, either the same as last time or worse since I can't remember the last time I had an eye screening appointment but I have been stresses as fuck since. 

I saw my dietitian though and was able to tell her the good news about my new long acting insulin and tablets (it was thanks to her that I contacted the hospital diabetes team about new medication last year) so she was happy to see that change at last. You may also remember the highs at lunch time that I mentioned about in other blog reviews and I have been asked to try and do a couple units extra as I may be one of the diabetics that need more in the morning, so let's see how that one goes next week!! 

I was able to admit to her that I was getting extremely overwhelmed with the amount of carb counting every tiny gram of carbohydrate in my food was giving me and that I was terrified to the point where sometimes I just wouldn't carb count or I'd binge eat and do whatever meds to cope. It is still getting to me now as I do not what the diabetes to rule every littler thing I do, and maybe I am wrong and its the demons in my head again, but I feel like having good diabetes is monitoring every little thing, acting towards every little thing, counting every little thing, medding for every little thing and I honestly cannot cope with that right now, it's really difficult. I am however being booked on a three day carb counting course, so fingers crossed, that can help stop making everything so overwhelming for me. 

Because trust me, I am shattered. I keep having to escape A LOT so I just don't think about the future and what will become of me. Which has meant I have started obsessing worse than ever, on the Pokémon games since the new HOME version came out on Switch and Mobile and I just can't stay off it. I want to fill the national dex somehow, and I think the other half is helping me to try and achieve that which is awesome... but yeah, I ended up caught for two days and a half  completing the original Pokémon Moon game as I thought I had finished the dex and had the shiny charm and I was going to hunt shinies to chill out, and then I realised I made a horrible mistake, the dex was not finished, I still needed Cosmog and Solgaleo but I had sent my Lunala to HOME so couldn't get it back to get Cosmog. Queue my panic and flapping as I remembered that GTS was going down on the old games as of the 24th Feb... so I had to run around and catch all the Tapu's on both Moon and Ultra Moon and use one to trade on GTS for Lunala which I used to get my Cosmog, then I put Lunala in the GTS to get SOlgaleo and then I forgot I did not have all the Ultra Beasts, just Nihilego... so queue frantically trading Solgaleo for the UK Buzzwole, followed by trading an UB exclusive from MOON for a UK exclusive from Sun and I thought I had got them all but didn't realise Necrozma was in this one... so had to go get him too. And don't forget spending a good 6 hours trying to evolve to get my Silvally for the dex. 

All in all, the stress was worth it and I know avoidance is not the answer to my mental health cheating me out of a break, but this obsessing is giving me the chill out I need to stop my brain from thinking about everything and more all the goddamn bloody time I am awake or trying to rest. That being said, me and the other half have a plan for making the most out of the shinies and rares in the games to the point we have a plan to get further dex's filled for the shiny charms to hunt shinies and increase our odds (this  actually helps me get to sleep quicker cos hunting is so therapeutically boring)... we also have a plan to reply games to get more shiny fodder and so on as well... so that will keep me occupied until I get my occupational therapy counselling appointment that I so desperately need |OMG! (Also, can we appreciate me being a sucker for exclusive limited edition consoles, what with the Sun and Moon sleek as fuck 3DS and my Let's GO Pikachu and Eevee switch? They also make me happy, oops).

Also on the positive front... FAMILY TIME!!! Honestly, I do have the best siblings!!! Got to speak to Lola on the phone this week and as usual, I love my little mini more more and more each time I see her! I have also been informed she loves Panda's now so means I finally have a plan to get her something nice for her new bedroom, maybe some cushions and blankets or picture or all of the above!!!

It was also my step-brother's birthday this weekend too... little Wyatt is now three years old!!! We got him some cute gifts from The Natural History Museum when we went to London, and OMG he loved the lil Triceratops we bought for him and even asked to have it to take to bed with him too OMG so cute I cannot even ❤️❤️❤️

Can't forget Milo either... such a good brother OMG He actually came round again on Wednesday when Jake was at work and bought some amazing home made curry for us to have in wraps for lunch, he also bought some crisps and tasty drink which I so bloody needed what with being strapped for cash till pay day on Thursday!!! Cannot wait to see what amazing foods he will make next and obvs, cannot appreciate enough him coming over on Wednesday so I don't go bloody insane and depressed in the house on my own whilst Jake is at work so long. 

OH CHEESE!!! Last thing... my bestie Josh is so amazing. So so so amazing. We had a big chat about diabetes and the kidney stuff and he proper cheered my up and I honestly love how having a serious conversation with him inadvertently turns into discussing random things about said serious things, for example, ways to cook potatoes to remove the potassium (in case I cannot have potatoes as much anymore further down the line) because there has to be a way to have roast potatoes and mash with a roast dinner dammit! ALSO, he was so lovely and made it possible for me to buy some cheese and crisps, things I don't need to med for, and also after I had a mini freak out that the cheap mature chedder I had to buy was well... more orange like red leicester than mature chedder... thanks to Josh, I got some proper stuff, extra mature Cathedral City cheese and omg, heaven... so much heaven everywhere, my taste buds are invigorated and happy and full of tasty cheese goodness (also look at the pic of the two cheeses... since when was mature cheddar orangy?) I don't actually know where I would be without Josh sometimes... he always knows the right things to say, knows I love honesty even i it stings, knows how to make me laugh and smile... and our little chat and the purchasing of decent cheese has honestly helped the crap storm of a week whirling around in my head.

Well, you may be wondering why there are no blood results to show. There is, I just don't like any of them at the moment so I couldn't face posting them up. Instead, I shall give you a picture of my cat Vincent giving me a big snuggle, who I love so much and I shall leave this here until next week. 

This weeks rating:⭐⭐☆☆☆

Bye everyone!!!

[[0016]] Week 6 Overview

What an absolute up and down of a week, is the only way I can seem to put this... just like my blood sugars ha! 

So, here are the blood results for the week... and honestly, what an absolute mess. I have had some good days thankfully but a lot of bad bloods seem to be taking over. I am still getting used to taking Toujeo and will need to contact my nurse about potentially upping the dose a little bit (once I've figured out getting my screen shots up on the work PCs so I can email them to her). I have started to have less hypos though, which is good... but I am also having a few more highs, but that might not be because of Toujeo, and could instead be, especially at the end of the week, down to stress of the news I got on Friday. 

So, many of you may have seen my blog post yesterday (if not, then check it out here) about the news I received on Friday in regards to my kidneys, and that they have in fact worsened since leaving hospital and because of this, I am now diagnosed with stage 3 chronic kidney disease (CKD3). I won't go into all the stuff I went into in my previous blog post about it all, because this is an overview and you all don't need to here it again, but I do think it has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and worry which is why my blood sugars have not been easy to control this weekend. I am going to try harder next week but... I don't know what next week will bring for that matter. Nonetheless, I am still dealing and trying to cope with everything as best as I can. Just gotta wait and see what the future brings from here on out I guess. 

So, it was Valentine's Day on Friday and because of our trip to London, we couldn't do a large amount (and in the end I had an early night because of the CKD news) but when we were in London, we found this awesome shop called Scribblr, that had some proper fantastic Valentine's Day cards... and low and behold, the other half got me this card haha! Everyone at work had a good giggle about it as I had to put it on my desk... and I guess in a way, it is kind of convenient, specially as carb counting is going to be my future soon.

I shared it on one of the diabetes facebook groups I am on and OMG, I was worried about what they would think, but thankfully, loads of people thought it was hilarious thank goodness!!! Hell, it was a pretty popular post that day on there, so win win all round. And means the other half now officially wins at Valentine's Day according to the group, so I would honestly like to think I have brightened a lot of people's days with the sharing of my card!

I did get Jake an Eminem one, mainly because I got him an Ed Sheeran one last year, so felt I had to keep the music theme up... just gotta decide what kind of music one to get him next year haha!!! We also managed to get take out for our Valentine's Day meal and ordered a massive £30 vouchers worth of Papa John's pizza and sides! So so so so good haha Got to love having Paypal credit sometimes, if it means you can have a nice treat... and omg the cheesy jalapeno bites were so good, I could have eaten a bajillion haha (I also really love their special garlic sauce and have a couple spare in the fridge cos dunking nuggets in it is the best thing ever)!

I haven't really done a lot this week, just work and sleep and so on... but we did go to my Dad's and Step Mum's this weekend which was awesome. A few drinky-poos were had, played some fun games (Cards Against Star Wars is AWESOME), did some karaoke and got an absolutely banging roast dinner today which was so so so so needed and definitely satisfied my vegetable cravings (one of the reasons I love roast dinners).

But best of all, I get to see my gorgeous big boy, Vincent Valentine Kadaj the 1st, well, Vincent or Vinnie for short. He's an old man now but he is so cuddly and massive and snuggly and just, OMG I can't help but sit with him for ages and give him loves and pets and scratches and listen to him purr and so on. He's a right dribbler of a cat as well, bless him but its worth it for the massive cuddles and head bops he gives you ❤️❤️❤️ I remember when he was a baby kitten, when I first got him, and I left him on the sofa when I went up to bed to sleep... and I came down in the night to check on him and he had disappeared behind the cushions and down the back of the sofa, so for a solid week, I slept with him downstairs! I love getting to see him when I can. He's a special lil old princely man. And makes me happy and calm and chill about things when he is around. I'd love to have him with me, but living in the countryside has been amazing for him so I would never take him away from that, but I love that when I do get to see him, he is nothing but cuddles, like he can remember me looking after him like a mama when he was a baby. 

I guess the only other thing I have to report is that I finally spoke to my doctors surgery about getting my medication changed for neuropathy and  am so glad that I rang them. I got a telephone appointment with my actual doctor which I was so relieved about (I love my doctors so much, like, they get me and know that I know what is wrong when I go in so the appointments are always quick and they seem to like I have done a masters in biomedical science too). It was a good chat and he listened which was amazing and is putting me back on Mirtazapine straight away because I clearly need it after my bad lack of sleep since coming off the medication as well as the fact my mental health is dipping quite badly at the moment. He's also giving me another medication for the neuropathy which I have heard better things about in comparison to Duloxitine so I am looking forward to trying them and hoping that I get less pain in my feet. I'll let you know next week how that all goes!!!

So, I think that is all for this week for now, so thank you all again for sticking around, reading, commenting, following and sharing! I'll get the diabetes message out there some day, I hope! I can't do it without any of you after all ❤️

[[0015]] I'm not as invincible as I thought I was - Chronic Kidney Disease

I'm sat at the laptop trying to figure out a lot of things in my head, alas, everything is overwhelming and even I don't know what to think or do or act or anything at this point in time. I promised a sad post, because... I am going to be honest with all of you and I am quite frankly, not in a good place at all (and for me, I come out better in writing and text then I do in person and talking, hence this blog)... so for sad post warnings, here is Igor the Destroyer, attacking the insulin producing Beta cells of the immune system, thus causing type 1 diabetes. So... if you want to read some sad, read on, if you don't, then I suggest backing out not.

So, where to begin?

I finally received the letter the consultant wrote to my doctor and cc'ed me in on. It's kinda funny, I see letters like this every day at work so I partially no what to expect to be written on them or their tone, but when it is about yourself... it's a completely different kettle of fish. 

So the layout is normally simple, name and address and all that, followed by diagnosis, medication/med changes, investigations (blood results mainly) and then some writing about seeing you in clinic and further description of changes and health and what will be done. 

But mine... had a somewhat nasty surprise I was hoping wouldn't happen under diagnosis and... to say I am not shaken would be a lie because yet again, I am absolutely terrified about my future.

As many of you are aware, I was taken in to hospital last year due to permanent pins and needles that happened in my foot when I was severely sick with gastroenteritis. Whilst in hospital, it turns out that I had also suffered an Acute Kidney Injury (AKI) in which I was given antibiotics for an infection that had developed in my left kidney all thanks to the gastroenteritis and as my doctor on the ward said, your kidneys are the wimps of the body... if you get sick, they might go down with you. And boy, do they go down with you. Hard.

Prior to being in hospital last October, my kidney function was relatively normal... after, well, my Glomerular Filtration Rate is refusing to rise higher than 41-43... this... basically means that I am now no longer suffering with an AKI, but a Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD), stage 3B to be precise. This is because my kidney function has not returned to their functionality from the pre-event of Gastroenteritis last year... and since being in hospital, they just have not got any better. This means they are only functioning at half capacity. And that... at the age of 30, is bloody terrifying.

Don't get me wrong... all this can eventually happen to a type 1 diabetic, less likely when you have good control and more likely if control is bad but it can still happen nonetheless. It's like the neuropathy, I was not expecting that (after the years of high bloods and stress that I have had ruining said diabetes) until I was at least 40 or 50... but 30? Yes, part of my control is to blame for all of this but it isn't the main reason all this is happening to me now, it is because I had that Gastroenteritis last year... that is why neuropathy started... and that is why I now have a CKD.

All that being said... I am still blaming myself. Even though the vast majority of the stress was not my fault and I have removed as much of that as I could possibly do from my life (which has shown in my HbA1c going down at last) but now I am wondering, if it even was enough? Or will it ever be enough? I've done what I can and I really have tried as I have got older because I would like to try and enjoy my life and live said normal life as much as possible whilst I can. Something as stupid as a severe stomach bug has brought on all these changes, not all strictly my diabetes and I think that is what is making all of this even worse for me... because I knew it would maybe happen one day but not so soon and not like this, maybe I would have had more preparation as things slowly started to deteriorate, not suddenly cos of a stupid bloody bug. 

But, knowing I have CKD now has suddenly made a few of the other problems that I have developed since leaving hospital, make sense. I always thought being so out of breath all the time was related to smoking (yes, before anyone asks I do end on quitting now cos of my kidneys) but, my breath has been so so bad since coming out of hospital, even walking up the stairs can get to me way too much... turns out the build up of waste products cos lack of kidney functionality can cause this. I also cramp really badly and get bad pains in what I think is my hip joint bone and my knee and this also relates to CKD. I can only stand or walk for a short period of time before I am in agony and have to sit down. Fatigue is partially related but isn't helped by the fact I've not slept properly since hospital because they changed my antidepressant (although I am getting it back so watch this space on that). 

Nonetheless, my mental health is shot. I just want to curl up and sleep and cuddle my cats and honestly, pretend none of this happening. I still have loads I need to do with my life before I even give myself the chance to rest and relax, for example, buy my bungalow to make my future life easy, for example, go to work and do my four days a week so we can live comfortably and pay bills and still enjoy life (cos I really need to enjoy life right now), kids in the future would also be nice but now I am not so sure that will be okay to do, let alone easy. 

I know the Duloxitine has not been a good antidepressant for me, and maybe my outlook will be better once my Mirtazapine kicks in and I get my sleep back to normal again... but I can still feel all the niggling anxiety poking inside head comments fighting it out and I just can't keep up, I have a constant headache, I am constantly tired and worrying and scared and dear fuck, I don't want to die young, which is now my newest and biggest fear. 

I'm just not happy. I am not happy at all. I thought I was invincible once upon a time, well, not invincible but I was good at bouncing back and recovering and now I am not so sure where or what I am anymore. Which is another fear that is plaguing me as well. My diabetes and my health is taking over my life and I hate it, I hate it so much. I feel like I am becoming my diabetes and that is so depressing and mortifying and not what I wanted at all. Like, I get I have to control my diabetes and stuff to live said normal and happy life... but all these things that I now have to do are starting to scare and overwhelm me and I am honestly freaking out daily because there is just so much. After next week, I have to carb count everything I eat and medicate accordingly... FOR EVERYTHING. I have to work out correction doses and other things as well for when my bloods are high. If that is not taking over my life, I don't know what is. Any strenuous activity needs to be medded properly and accounted for, so if I do anything different, constant checking to make sure things are normal. Then the number of pills and insulin jabs I have to take daily as well. Add in the amount of clinics and appointments I have to go to now (I have three coming up on Friday... that's a day of work lost). Add to all that eventually that I will have renal appointments and more blood tests as well.

At this point in time, bar taking the Candesartan tablets again and praying they preserve my kidneys, I have no idea what to do about my kidneys... as supposedly I will never get better from it. I don't know why I am saying supposedly, I learnt all this at University. I will never really recover from it. And this is where potentially more life controlling and changing things can happen and overwhelm me further. My diet may have to change for starters and some of the things I love, I may no longer be allowed to have because of kidney function. This could mean food bills get more expensive as I will only be able to have a healthy balanced diet of certain things which doesn't bode well when we eat cheap cos that is what we can afford. Obvs, I will quit smoking although that is going to be hard as its currently my stress free, peace and quiet routine so that will be a tough habit to break. I don't drink a lot anyway, but alcohol consumption when I do have it, will have to change. Hell, even lowering my salt intake may have to happen (and I love crisps so much omg). Also, if my bone pain is caused by a build up of phosphate in my blood cos of my kidneys, then I will have to reduce or remove dairy, eggs and red meat from my diet. 

It's a lot to deal with. It is all too overwhelming and I feel lost and alone even though I am not alone because I have my fiance, friends and family. But it's still scary and taking over my life and I hate it all, I hate it all so much. I know it can't happen but I just want to be normal, I don't even remember what normal feels like what with being diagnosed so young. 

I just want to try and make something of myself in whatever years I have... (at least 35, I hope). Like... I don't want to be known as my diabetes and my diabetes being me. I want to try and make something of myself so when I do one day go down, go blind, lose my kidney function or whatever... I've done something to be remembered for. I hope that I can write a book one day, whether its about my life or my fantasy world of Aluria, and I hope we can make it as streamers as well, because it would be nice to work doing things I love to get by, not because I need to work to survive. I hope I can manage to get some kind of work helping kids with type 1 diabetes.

I don't know, I have dreams. All I can do is just try and carry on, like I normally do... because honestly, there isn't much more I can do at this point.