[[0060]] Day 51 of Self-Isolation (The outside world is WEIRD)

Day 51 (and I guess 50 as well as this is a two for one)

Evening everyone!

Queenie calling in after another interesting couple of days in the diabetes world. Oh boy, it's been another emotional roller coaster that yet again, I did not sign up for.

It's been... interesting... and it shows me how much my diabetes is affected by my emotions and so on because jeez, my bloods react to ANYTHING when it comes to emotions and it is honestly frustrating as hell. 

So, guess I should explain what has been happening?

I had to have my kidney blood tests again to see if the eGFR (kidney function) was stabilised or slightly improved with the 4mg blood pressure tablets. Seems simple, ya know, one vial of blood? HA nope. Not at all. (I believe I mentioned I would be going out for bloods in my last type 1 diabetes post yesterday).

So, I wrapped up warm, I drank about a litre and a half of water at home yesterday before heading out and had breakfast as well and everything was fine. Like, got to the doctors and only had ten mins to wait for my appt and yeah, everything was absolutely fine. Went in, felt hydrated and warm... all was good. 

And then the bad thing happened. What is the bad thing? My blood said NO. My veins were a fat (technically they're tiny but you get the idea) NO. even my hands and wrists said NO which is funny cos can usually get it out my wrists.

So what happened? Well, I was in the room for 45 minutes, and the lovely nurse tried a good three times and couldn't get the blood, we even warmed my hands under boiling water, as well as holding a glove full of water and the blood just would not happen. So, she called in a lovely guy named Ian (he's like a doctor but not I think) and he gave it a go, a solid three times, and nothing. He even went for my wrist and that didn't work. Ian came up with an idea of maybe drinking and hydrating more then trying again in 20mins, so, I went and sat in the waiting room for 20mins, drank 9 cups of water, which I think equates to another litre and a half of water, maybe more. There was a guy in the waiting room, bless him, who should have been seen at 9:10am but wasn't seen until half past because of me so I obviously apologised profusely haha! I get called back in... the nurse tries twice again and nothing... and one of my other fave nurses, Carol, came in and she tried and just nope. Prodded nine time with needles in one day and I was totally done. I think they could see I was so damn frustrated about it all plus I don't wanna go to the hospital for bloods at the moment so I know they did everything they could. I think I was just major mad at myself for my body just being an ass.

I think I have written about this before tbh. I have always had a bit of a problem with having blood tests and have done for the last couple of years, maybe a bit longer, maybe like 8 years? And I always joke that I should not be diabetic cause I can't seem to handle a simple blood test. I think it just largely upsets me (hence my facebook rant about it yesterday) because I do honestly try so hard before my blood tests, by drinking loads, wrapping up warm and like, exercising my hands and arm to get the blood running but... it just never seems to work. The only thing that does work is this one woman at the hospital in haematology, I don't know her name, but she can always get it out of me and normally it's around 3 or 4pm... but no way am I waiting in haem right now, no way. 

I got home anyway, and I just felt terrible. I think I went into shock as well after being stabbed by so many needles (which is hilarious because I don't mind blood tests in the slightest, the colour of blood to me is fascinating) but like, my bloods shot up, I went kinda clammy and I think I just went to bed because I was honestly just so done with everything for that one day.

The nurse booked me to come in today, well, double booked me with my other two favourite nurses, Carrie and Gina whom I absolutely love so much. (Turns out we should have waited a week but oh well). Carol also said, doesn't matter how sunny it is, layer up loads and drink even more... so, that is what I did today, as well as some exercise on Just Dance beforehand.

So the first two pics haha! So I went to the surgery yesterday in a tee and a fluffy hoodie... and today? It was a tee, a hoodie and my fluffy coat for seeing Skindred. And some thermal socks and my super warm trainers. I. WAS. BOILING. Like so bloody boiling, I was sweating and I could smell myself, it was absolutely grim. Thankfully, I didn't go through the waiting room this time... which I will explain.

I got to the surgery an hour and ten early today... because the buses are crazy right now. Usually the number 1 is every half an hour but it is now it's one every 45mins, then 1hr 15mins... so I either got to the surgery an hour and ten early or ten mins late... so I went early. Figured, there is a bench behind the surgery on some grass so I could grab some lunch and more water and just wait till I needed to be seen... but I actually bumped in to one of my nurses, Gina, and she said if Carrie was free, they would try and get me in earlier. They didn't disappoint either, I was in at dead on 1pm instead of 1:30pm! Carrie came out in her PPE finery and called me in through one of the back entrances to the surgery, queue both nurses giggling as I said I had never been in the back way before haha!

Speaking of going in the surgery... it was weird yesterday. Like, the buses are still observing their protocols that I mentioned on day 16 of self-isolation. But I hadn't seen my surgery until yesterday. They've moved two rows of chairs in the waiting room, you can't really talk to the people on reception unless you hover for a bit and you have to ring a bell to get access to inside providing you have an appointment as well. Everyone is in masks n stuff and yeah, it's both weird but cool how my surgery has adapted to the big virus. But yeah, today I went through the back way, well, through a fire exit that went into like a sink, cleaning nurse station thing into the nurses room haha, I felt so naughty haha!!

I did think things were going to fail. Carrie managed to draw blood but the blood wouldn't do what it was meant to do and go down the tube/into the syringe. She tried three times though, and ended up calling in Gina to have a go. We had all been laughing and joking about the whole thing anyway, just because my body is an arsehole and why is there no like rules for being diabetic of which one should be being able to have a blood test nice and easily with decent veins haha!!!

Thankfully, Gina had a feel and got it first try, and OMG I was so happy I could have cried. She managed a decent vial as well which was a bonus too.

She did say a few things though... as I have always been curious as to why my bloods have got worse over the years. And honestly, no-one really knows. But, it was an issue my gran had but no-one else in my family so could maybe be investigated if it continues to be an issue. ANYWAY, we agreed that next time, they should wait a week to do more bloods so that my veins have time to recover from being poked so many times, which I can see where she was coming from because I feel that Carrie would have got the blood first time had my right arm not been stabbed to death yesterday. Like the blood was there, but my veins supposedly have this ability to collapse/close up when a needle appears, which you can imagine, is frustrating as hell. It could also be potentially kidney related, what with the microvascular system being very closely related to kidney health and function... so the best and only thing that can be done is to wait till the afternoon for bloods at my surgery and also to drink wayyyyy too much. (Also, my blood is far too thick for a solid 3-4 hours after waking up, which with small veins, is a problem).

Anyway, they got the blood. I was happy. I have not felt this good in a while. And hopefully, its the last of the needing bloods for at least a month and half, well, June sometime, whenever my next renal appt is. I won't lie, I crashed for four hours, so maybe the onslaught on my veins does actually make me feel not okay even if I don't mind the blood tests themselves... but either way, it is blood damn well done, finally (lol). 

So yeah, emotional roller coaster. Thank God for my mental health calendar, the fact the coop in BBH had one box of my fave monster and well, my anti-depressants. I do feel like I could have been so much worse, but lately, I seem to have this uncanny ability to bounce back after a few hours, which I never used to be able to do. It makes me wonder if it is because I am not at work and stressed out therefore I am actually focusing more on myself and my needs and well, learning about how I work, I don't know. I feel like yesterday should have broken me and if I am honest, if they hadn't got the blood out today, I think that probably would have broken me as well, but it all worked out in the end so thank God we didn't have to wait and find out if I was gonna freak out. Either way, I still think this is the best my mental health and diabetes has been for years. Maybe I am meant to be an at home kind of work person? I don't really know.

It's given me stuff to think about anyway.

Before I sign off, I want to show you a ring that my amazing keyworking other half got for me cause of, well, all the stuff going on at the moment. 

"Keep (fucking) going."

Never have truer words been said.

That is it from me tonight! Time to share the heck out of this blog and get that view count up again!!! One day I will get adsense on this account, ONE DAY!

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0059]] Day 49 of Self-Isolation (It's a diabetes post today!)

Day 49 (I still don't know when this will be over)

So, I figured I would make this post more diabetes related, as I have not spoken about the main reason I set up this blog, for the longest of time (T1D looks like me) and figured it was time to pay a little more focus to that for a change, instead of writing about keeping myself sane throughout this pandemic.

For all intents and purposes, I look like I am doing well and if I am honest, I do think I am doing okay. The mental health advent calendar has been working wonders, and I do get excited about what is behind those little doors. The new marvel one is also absolutely awesome and adorable and I cannot wait to find a cute little unit for each little figure (and maybe accidentally buy a Harry Potter one... maybe). 

I may not be helping out at work for reasons (my health is a living mess) but, my Skindred Support the NHS and Keyworkers tee arrived yesterday and I am loving it and I urge any of you who also want to help the NHS and whom love Skindred, to go and order one too in the link above! We actually wore them on our live stream last night and intend on wearing them again for more streaming shizzle and we have both decided that we are totally gonna rock these at the Skindred gig at the Showground in October (just waiting on our spiky sunglasses and my fluffy black coat to arrive).

But, we need to talk diabetes... because, like I always, I seem to be brushing it under yet another carpet, like I have done the vast majority of my life since being diagnosed with it. I don't mean to, but I have grown up with this mentality that everyone else's health and problems are bigger than my own and it has honestly taken me a long time to start saying no as well as cutting off the toxic and slowly, my control is getting a little better. The damage has been done though, after years of neglecting myself and focusing on family and so on, so now it's just making sure I preserve what I have left.

I won't get all down and meh about that now though... because I want to speak about things I am doing to help make my diabetic life easier.

Since last year, I have been put on more and more medication, and I have always struggled to keep on top of it... like I was fine when it was just my insulin and a single Mirtazapine each night, but then that got changed to a med I did not get along with for depression and neuropathy, so I got switched back to mirtazapine and put on a new med I had to take twice daily, so that is over twice the daily amount of tablets I had to take. Throw in the 4mg Candesartan and an antihistimine and that is it, my brain is fried and I often forget to take one or two of the meds. It's not horrendous if I miss the neuro meds or Candesartan but if I am to preserve what I have left... I need to take them and be pro-active about it, but I am just so damn forgetful.

So, last weekend, I made the decision to do something about this. I should have done it sooner, but I didn't want any connotations in regards to my age or ought so I didn't do it. I just didn't wanna seem any older then I really am and the thing I wanted to get is normally associated with old people. So I figured, if I am going to do this, I wanna do it in style... and I'd like to think I have.

What did I do?

I bought one of those tablet organisers, to put all my tablets into and well, in colour coded, Queenie fashion.

I won't lie, I was really picky with what I chose. Like, I didn't want a clear one, colourful was best, had to split the day into three instead of AM/PM or four times a day, and a case was bonus, so I could well, hide what it is... and well, it's cool.

I think this was £9 on Amazon in the end, and it was worth it because I am happy with it and I have so far remembered to take my tablets for today, amazing! And I would like to think that it doesn't make me look old... plus, rainbow... I am bi as the well, bi could be, this works for me... and all the NHS support right now, I had to (and honestly, I'm not really for clear or clinical colours these things tend to come in). The case is a bonus, but means I can just sling it in my bag when I go back to work, so practical too and shouldn't lose the little pots in my bag either. 

Yes, I arranged my tablets straight away, but eeeeee, that's Wednesday ready to go tomorrow! If you want one of these, you can find them over on this link to Amazon. 

Of course, it is early days yet, and whether I remember to order my meds so I don't run out let alone remember to get them out the pouch is well, to be seen, but, I honestly feel it is going to help me remember to take them and in doing so, will help preserve the feeling in my bad foot as well as my kidney issues.

Speaking of preserving kidney function, I have an appointment at my doctor's tomorrow for more bloods and a blood pressure test... the bloods to well, check my kidney function and the blood pressure test as mine has been running way too high for a while now, and well, kidneys and blood pressure are very much related to one another; if the blood pressure is normal, it will help in preserving my kidney function. I should get the results for them early next week either way so fingers crossed please! These tests have been nothing but bad news for me this year.

Well, that is it for my little diabetes win for today. Now to get back to being healthy, exercising more and doing what I can to be healthy and lose a bit of weight while I am stuck here.

Stay safe everyone,

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0018]] Week 7 Overview - Diabetic Mini MOT and a touch of partial burnout

I have decided that I am going to start naming these weekly overview posts with one line that ultimately sums up the week. It is appropriate, fitting and very much me. And thinking of whacky names for overview posts, how about like, a rating system for the week overall, after all, some weeks are good and some are just a total burn out... LOL.

I guess, to start with something semi-good for the week. I finally have all the new medication requested for me from the Doctor at the hospital clinic. Not that it is his fault it has been a long wait, I didn't know I needed to call up to push things along a bit quicker. The candesartan I already knew about as that got added to my prescription not long after my Toujeo insulin was, but I had no news on what I was getting to replace Duloxitine. Thankfully, I got a phone call from my Doctor booked and he put me back on mirtazapine straight away and gave me what he called a really good neuropathic medication which is pregabalin. Only downside of the latter is I have to take it twice a day instead of once so it's a whole new thing to remember to do in the evening, but I think I am getting one of those pill dispenser things with times of day and days of the week on soon to help me remember to take them all at the appropriate times. 

Good thing about the new neuro meds is that I no longer feel nauseous all the damn time, which is fantastic as that has been plaguing me since I started taking duloxitine last year; the worst was the sickness every time I ended up in stop-start traffic after work on the bus home, especially when inconsiderate people would glare at me for the weird noises I'd make to stop myself throwing up. I also feel my foot pins and needles less with these meds too, which is another bonus; it doesn't feel like I am clenching something with my toes on my bad foot anymore. Bad thing about the pregabalin is that for some reason, my balance is becoming somewhat off and I seem to drift a lot more than normal; I already have a cracking bruise on my arm from walking into the racking in my office. 

You're probably wondering what the tablets not in a box are, and these, my good friends and family, are the happy sleep pills I had before they were also replaced with the two in one duloxitine. EVERYONE who knows me, knows how badly my sleep has suffered without these, and in turn, my mental health, which has honestly felt like walking on the edge of a knife for the last couple of months. Sleep isn't enough to make me feel better, as are the tablets but they help me keep some kind of bare minimum control on my mental health when things get rough, which they major have been of late. I still feel down and depressed a lot and I am still overwhelmed by the sheer amount of control good diabetes management is seeming to have on my life, but I have my sleep back and I can deal with the world a little bit better now I have these antidepressants back... even if I run the chance of sleeping in my alarm because well, not slept properly in months till now!!!

You are probably wonder what I mean when I mention Diabetic Mini MOT? Well, I lovingly got this name idea from the gentleman doing the diabetic eye screening on Friday morning, after I told him that I had a dietitian appointment after the eye screening appointment.

I cannot tell you much about the eye screening other than look how massive my bloody pupils were after the eye drops... as you can guess, I had to leave work because my vision was all blurry. I'll get the results in a couple of weeks I believe but I know it will be signs of retinopathy, either the same as last time or worse since I can't remember the last time I had an eye screening appointment but I have been stresses as fuck since. 

I saw my dietitian though and was able to tell her the good news about my new long acting insulin and tablets (it was thanks to her that I contacted the hospital diabetes team about new medication last year) so she was happy to see that change at last. You may also remember the highs at lunch time that I mentioned about in other blog reviews and I have been asked to try and do a couple units extra as I may be one of the diabetics that need more in the morning, so let's see how that one goes next week!! 

I was able to admit to her that I was getting extremely overwhelmed with the amount of carb counting every tiny gram of carbohydrate in my food was giving me and that I was terrified to the point where sometimes I just wouldn't carb count or I'd binge eat and do whatever meds to cope. It is still getting to me now as I do not what the diabetes to rule every littler thing I do, and maybe I am wrong and its the demons in my head again, but I feel like having good diabetes is monitoring every little thing, acting towards every little thing, counting every little thing, medding for every little thing and I honestly cannot cope with that right now, it's really difficult. I am however being booked on a three day carb counting course, so fingers crossed, that can help stop making everything so overwhelming for me. 

Because trust me, I am shattered. I keep having to escape A LOT so I just don't think about the future and what will become of me. Which has meant I have started obsessing worse than ever, on the Pokémon games since the new HOME version came out on Switch and Mobile and I just can't stay off it. I want to fill the national dex somehow, and I think the other half is helping me to try and achieve that which is awesome... but yeah, I ended up caught for two days and a half  completing the original Pokémon Moon game as I thought I had finished the dex and had the shiny charm and I was going to hunt shinies to chill out, and then I realised I made a horrible mistake, the dex was not finished, I still needed Cosmog and Solgaleo but I had sent my Lunala to HOME so couldn't get it back to get Cosmog. Queue my panic and flapping as I remembered that GTS was going down on the old games as of the 24th Feb... so I had to run around and catch all the Tapu's on both Moon and Ultra Moon and use one to trade on GTS for Lunala which I used to get my Cosmog, then I put Lunala in the GTS to get SOlgaleo and then I forgot I did not have all the Ultra Beasts, just Nihilego... so queue frantically trading Solgaleo for the UK Buzzwole, followed by trading an UB exclusive from MOON for a UK exclusive from Sun and I thought I had got them all but didn't realise Necrozma was in this one... so had to go get him too. And don't forget spending a good 6 hours trying to evolve to get my Silvally for the dex. 

All in all, the stress was worth it and I know avoidance is not the answer to my mental health cheating me out of a break, but this obsessing is giving me the chill out I need to stop my brain from thinking about everything and more all the goddamn bloody time I am awake or trying to rest. That being said, me and the other half have a plan for making the most out of the shinies and rares in the games to the point we have a plan to get further dex's filled for the shiny charms to hunt shinies and increase our odds (this  actually helps me get to sleep quicker cos hunting is so therapeutically boring)... we also have a plan to reply games to get more shiny fodder and so on as well... so that will keep me occupied until I get my occupational therapy counselling appointment that I so desperately need |OMG! (Also, can we appreciate me being a sucker for exclusive limited edition consoles, what with the Sun and Moon sleek as fuck 3DS and my Let's GO Pikachu and Eevee switch? They also make me happy, oops).

Also on the positive front... FAMILY TIME!!! Honestly, I do have the best siblings!!! Got to speak to Lola on the phone this week and as usual, I love my little mini more more and more each time I see her! I have also been informed she loves Panda's now so means I finally have a plan to get her something nice for her new bedroom, maybe some cushions and blankets or picture or all of the above!!!

It was also my step-brother's birthday this weekend too... little Wyatt is now three years old!!! We got him some cute gifts from The Natural History Museum when we went to London, and OMG he loved the lil Triceratops we bought for him and even asked to have it to take to bed with him too OMG so cute I cannot even ❤️❤️❤️

Can't forget Milo either... such a good brother OMG He actually came round again on Wednesday when Jake was at work and bought some amazing home made curry for us to have in wraps for lunch, he also bought some crisps and tasty drink which I so bloody needed what with being strapped for cash till pay day on Thursday!!! Cannot wait to see what amazing foods he will make next and obvs, cannot appreciate enough him coming over on Wednesday so I don't go bloody insane and depressed in the house on my own whilst Jake is at work so long. 

OH CHEESE!!! Last thing... my bestie Josh is so amazing. So so so amazing. We had a big chat about diabetes and the kidney stuff and he proper cheered my up and I honestly love how having a serious conversation with him inadvertently turns into discussing random things about said serious things, for example, ways to cook potatoes to remove the potassium (in case I cannot have potatoes as much anymore further down the line) because there has to be a way to have roast potatoes and mash with a roast dinner dammit! ALSO, he was so lovely and made it possible for me to buy some cheese and crisps, things I don't need to med for, and also after I had a mini freak out that the cheap mature chedder I had to buy was well... more orange like red leicester than mature chedder... thanks to Josh, I got some proper stuff, extra mature Cathedral City cheese and omg, heaven... so much heaven everywhere, my taste buds are invigorated and happy and full of tasty cheese goodness (also look at the pic of the two cheeses... since when was mature cheddar orangy?) I don't actually know where I would be without Josh sometimes... he always knows the right things to say, knows I love honesty even i it stings, knows how to make me laugh and smile... and our little chat and the purchasing of decent cheese has honestly helped the crap storm of a week whirling around in my head.

Well, you may be wondering why there are no blood results to show. There is, I just don't like any of them at the moment so I couldn't face posting them up. Instead, I shall give you a picture of my cat Vincent giving me a big snuggle, who I love so much and I shall leave this here until next week. 

This weeks rating:⭐⭐☆☆☆

Bye everyone!!!

[[0016]] Week 6 Overview

What an absolute up and down of a week, is the only way I can seem to put this... just like my blood sugars ha! 

So, here are the blood results for the week... and honestly, what an absolute mess. I have had some good days thankfully but a lot of bad bloods seem to be taking over. I am still getting used to taking Toujeo and will need to contact my nurse about potentially upping the dose a little bit (once I've figured out getting my screen shots up on the work PCs so I can email them to her). I have started to have less hypos though, which is good... but I am also having a few more highs, but that might not be because of Toujeo, and could instead be, especially at the end of the week, down to stress of the news I got on Friday. 

So, many of you may have seen my blog post yesterday (if not, then check it out here) about the news I received on Friday in regards to my kidneys, and that they have in fact worsened since leaving hospital and because of this, I am now diagnosed with stage 3 chronic kidney disease (CKD3). I won't go into all the stuff I went into in my previous blog post about it all, because this is an overview and you all don't need to here it again, but I do think it has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and worry which is why my blood sugars have not been easy to control this weekend. I am going to try harder next week but... I don't know what next week will bring for that matter. Nonetheless, I am still dealing and trying to cope with everything as best as I can. Just gotta wait and see what the future brings from here on out I guess. 

So, it was Valentine's Day on Friday and because of our trip to London, we couldn't do a large amount (and in the end I had an early night because of the CKD news) but when we were in London, we found this awesome shop called Scribblr, that had some proper fantastic Valentine's Day cards... and low and behold, the other half got me this card haha! Everyone at work had a good giggle about it as I had to put it on my desk... and I guess in a way, it is kind of convenient, specially as carb counting is going to be my future soon.

I shared it on one of the diabetes facebook groups I am on and OMG, I was worried about what they would think, but thankfully, loads of people thought it was hilarious thank goodness!!! Hell, it was a pretty popular post that day on there, so win win all round. And means the other half now officially wins at Valentine's Day according to the group, so I would honestly like to think I have brightened a lot of people's days with the sharing of my card!

I did get Jake an Eminem one, mainly because I got him an Ed Sheeran one last year, so felt I had to keep the music theme up... just gotta decide what kind of music one to get him next year haha!!! We also managed to get take out for our Valentine's Day meal and ordered a massive £30 vouchers worth of Papa John's pizza and sides! So so so so good haha Got to love having Paypal credit sometimes, if it means you can have a nice treat... and omg the cheesy jalapeno bites were so good, I could have eaten a bajillion haha (I also really love their special garlic sauce and have a couple spare in the fridge cos dunking nuggets in it is the best thing ever)!

I haven't really done a lot this week, just work and sleep and so on... but we did go to my Dad's and Step Mum's this weekend which was awesome. A few drinky-poos were had, played some fun games (Cards Against Star Wars is AWESOME), did some karaoke and got an absolutely banging roast dinner today which was so so so so needed and definitely satisfied my vegetable cravings (one of the reasons I love roast dinners).

But best of all, I get to see my gorgeous big boy, Vincent Valentine Kadaj the 1st, well, Vincent or Vinnie for short. He's an old man now but he is so cuddly and massive and snuggly and just, OMG I can't help but sit with him for ages and give him loves and pets and scratches and listen to him purr and so on. He's a right dribbler of a cat as well, bless him but its worth it for the massive cuddles and head bops he gives you ❤️❤️❤️ I remember when he was a baby kitten, when I first got him, and I left him on the sofa when I went up to bed to sleep... and I came down in the night to check on him and he had disappeared behind the cushions and down the back of the sofa, so for a solid week, I slept with him downstairs! I love getting to see him when I can. He's a special lil old princely man. And makes me happy and calm and chill about things when he is around. I'd love to have him with me, but living in the countryside has been amazing for him so I would never take him away from that, but I love that when I do get to see him, he is nothing but cuddles, like he can remember me looking after him like a mama when he was a baby. 

I guess the only other thing I have to report is that I finally spoke to my doctors surgery about getting my medication changed for neuropathy and  am so glad that I rang them. I got a telephone appointment with my actual doctor which I was so relieved about (I love my doctors so much, like, they get me and know that I know what is wrong when I go in so the appointments are always quick and they seem to like I have done a masters in biomedical science too). It was a good chat and he listened which was amazing and is putting me back on Mirtazapine straight away because I clearly need it after my bad lack of sleep since coming off the medication as well as the fact my mental health is dipping quite badly at the moment. He's also giving me another medication for the neuropathy which I have heard better things about in comparison to Duloxitine so I am looking forward to trying them and hoping that I get less pain in my feet. I'll let you know next week how that all goes!!!

So, I think that is all for this week for now, so thank you all again for sticking around, reading, commenting, following and sharing! I'll get the diabetes message out there some day, I hope! I can't do it without any of you after all ❤️

[[0015]] I'm not as invincible as I thought I was - Chronic Kidney Disease

I'm sat at the laptop trying to figure out a lot of things in my head, alas, everything is overwhelming and even I don't know what to think or do or act or anything at this point in time. I promised a sad post, because... I am going to be honest with all of you and I am quite frankly, not in a good place at all (and for me, I come out better in writing and text then I do in person and talking, hence this blog)... so for sad post warnings, here is Igor the Destroyer, attacking the insulin producing Beta cells of the immune system, thus causing type 1 diabetes. So... if you want to read some sad, read on, if you don't, then I suggest backing out not.

So, where to begin?

I finally received the letter the consultant wrote to my doctor and cc'ed me in on. It's kinda funny, I see letters like this every day at work so I partially no what to expect to be written on them or their tone, but when it is about yourself... it's a completely different kettle of fish. 

So the layout is normally simple, name and address and all that, followed by diagnosis, medication/med changes, investigations (blood results mainly) and then some writing about seeing you in clinic and further description of changes and health and what will be done. 

But mine... had a somewhat nasty surprise I was hoping wouldn't happen under diagnosis and... to say I am not shaken would be a lie because yet again, I am absolutely terrified about my future.

As many of you are aware, I was taken in to hospital last year due to permanent pins and needles that happened in my foot when I was severely sick with gastroenteritis. Whilst in hospital, it turns out that I had also suffered an Acute Kidney Injury (AKI) in which I was given antibiotics for an infection that had developed in my left kidney all thanks to the gastroenteritis and as my doctor on the ward said, your kidneys are the wimps of the body... if you get sick, they might go down with you. And boy, do they go down with you. Hard.

Prior to being in hospital last October, my kidney function was relatively normal... after, well, my Glomerular Filtration Rate is refusing to rise higher than 41-43... this... basically means that I am now no longer suffering with an AKI, but a Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD), stage 3B to be precise. This is because my kidney function has not returned to their functionality from the pre-event of Gastroenteritis last year... and since being in hospital, they just have not got any better. This means they are only functioning at half capacity. And that... at the age of 30, is bloody terrifying.

Don't get me wrong... all this can eventually happen to a type 1 diabetic, less likely when you have good control and more likely if control is bad but it can still happen nonetheless. It's like the neuropathy, I was not expecting that (after the years of high bloods and stress that I have had ruining said diabetes) until I was at least 40 or 50... but 30? Yes, part of my control is to blame for all of this but it isn't the main reason all this is happening to me now, it is because I had that Gastroenteritis last year... that is why neuropathy started... and that is why I now have a CKD.

All that being said... I am still blaming myself. Even though the vast majority of the stress was not my fault and I have removed as much of that as I could possibly do from my life (which has shown in my HbA1c going down at last) but now I am wondering, if it even was enough? Or will it ever be enough? I've done what I can and I really have tried as I have got older because I would like to try and enjoy my life and live said normal life as much as possible whilst I can. Something as stupid as a severe stomach bug has brought on all these changes, not all strictly my diabetes and I think that is what is making all of this even worse for me... because I knew it would maybe happen one day but not so soon and not like this, maybe I would have had more preparation as things slowly started to deteriorate, not suddenly cos of a stupid bloody bug. 

But, knowing I have CKD now has suddenly made a few of the other problems that I have developed since leaving hospital, make sense. I always thought being so out of breath all the time was related to smoking (yes, before anyone asks I do end on quitting now cos of my kidneys) but, my breath has been so so bad since coming out of hospital, even walking up the stairs can get to me way too much... turns out the build up of waste products cos lack of kidney functionality can cause this. I also cramp really badly and get bad pains in what I think is my hip joint bone and my knee and this also relates to CKD. I can only stand or walk for a short period of time before I am in agony and have to sit down. Fatigue is partially related but isn't helped by the fact I've not slept properly since hospital because they changed my antidepressant (although I am getting it back so watch this space on that). 

Nonetheless, my mental health is shot. I just want to curl up and sleep and cuddle my cats and honestly, pretend none of this happening. I still have loads I need to do with my life before I even give myself the chance to rest and relax, for example, buy my bungalow to make my future life easy, for example, go to work and do my four days a week so we can live comfortably and pay bills and still enjoy life (cos I really need to enjoy life right now), kids in the future would also be nice but now I am not so sure that will be okay to do, let alone easy. 

I know the Duloxitine has not been a good antidepressant for me, and maybe my outlook will be better once my Mirtazapine kicks in and I get my sleep back to normal again... but I can still feel all the niggling anxiety poking inside head comments fighting it out and I just can't keep up, I have a constant headache, I am constantly tired and worrying and scared and dear fuck, I don't want to die young, which is now my newest and biggest fear. 

I'm just not happy. I am not happy at all. I thought I was invincible once upon a time, well, not invincible but I was good at bouncing back and recovering and now I am not so sure where or what I am anymore. Which is another fear that is plaguing me as well. My diabetes and my health is taking over my life and I hate it, I hate it so much. I feel like I am becoming my diabetes and that is so depressing and mortifying and not what I wanted at all. Like, I get I have to control my diabetes and stuff to live said normal and happy life... but all these things that I now have to do are starting to scare and overwhelm me and I am honestly freaking out daily because there is just so much. After next week, I have to carb count everything I eat and medicate accordingly... FOR EVERYTHING. I have to work out correction doses and other things as well for when my bloods are high. If that is not taking over my life, I don't know what is. Any strenuous activity needs to be medded properly and accounted for, so if I do anything different, constant checking to make sure things are normal. Then the number of pills and insulin jabs I have to take daily as well. Add in the amount of clinics and appointments I have to go to now (I have three coming up on Friday... that's a day of work lost). Add to all that eventually that I will have renal appointments and more blood tests as well.

At this point in time, bar taking the Candesartan tablets again and praying they preserve my kidneys, I have no idea what to do about my kidneys... as supposedly I will never get better from it. I don't know why I am saying supposedly, I learnt all this at University. I will never really recover from it. And this is where potentially more life controlling and changing things can happen and overwhelm me further. My diet may have to change for starters and some of the things I love, I may no longer be allowed to have because of kidney function. This could mean food bills get more expensive as I will only be able to have a healthy balanced diet of certain things which doesn't bode well when we eat cheap cos that is what we can afford. Obvs, I will quit smoking although that is going to be hard as its currently my stress free, peace and quiet routine so that will be a tough habit to break. I don't drink a lot anyway, but alcohol consumption when I do have it, will have to change. Hell, even lowering my salt intake may have to happen (and I love crisps so much omg). Also, if my bone pain is caused by a build up of phosphate in my blood cos of my kidneys, then I will have to reduce or remove dairy, eggs and red meat from my diet. 

It's a lot to deal with. It is all too overwhelming and I feel lost and alone even though I am not alone because I have my fiance, friends and family. But it's still scary and taking over my life and I hate it all, I hate it all so much. I know it can't happen but I just want to be normal, I don't even remember what normal feels like what with being diagnosed so young. 

I just want to try and make something of myself in whatever years I have... (at least 35, I hope). Like... I don't want to be known as my diabetes and my diabetes being me. I want to try and make something of myself so when I do one day go down, go blind, lose my kidney function or whatever... I've done something to be remembered for. I hope that I can write a book one day, whether its about my life or my fantasy world of Aluria, and I hope we can make it as streamers as well, because it would be nice to work doing things I love to get by, not because I need to work to survive. I hope I can manage to get some kind of work helping kids with type 1 diabetes.

I don't know, I have dreams. All I can do is just try and carry on, like I normally do... because honestly, there isn't much more I can do at this point.