[[0061]] For once in my life, my Mental Health is on point.

I actually have lost count of the days I have been "shielding" at home, which I can now say is exactly what I have been doing the entirety of this time away from the real world, ie, my lack of social life, seeing family and my job. But yes, I am actually shielding, especially from my job. I actually had a my assessment with Occy Health today which was daunting but the questions were better this time, and I did get moved from stage 1 to 2, but as I now know I can't wear PPE due to a breathing issue related to my kidneys which is STILL awaiting further investigation, I am still shielding from my job from here on out, so I am remaining stage 1 until I have at least seen renal. Which is a pressure off my mind with lock down releasing. But the diabetes and renal stuff is for another day.

However, I wanted to make this post about two things, which can be linked both together and apart.

Firstly, I'll be making some additions to my blog to show support for Pride and the LGBTQ+ community as it is Pride Month this June.

Secondly, mental health shizzle. Because yes, this is a diabetes and mental health related blog, however, mental health has been a crazy factor in my life, especially with my diabetes. 

So, for pride, I am adding some cute graphics I made for our streaming channel. I am bi myself, and I may not have had any kind of coming-out story as such, it kinda was like, just there (was told it would be a phase and that is probably the only bad thing I guess), I know it has not been so easy for many of my friends. So, if I can show my support with this blog, I can. This is the graphic I made for our overlays for our mixer channel, which we are gonna use for the whole month, so I am adding it to my block and it will sit here, forever. I'd like to think that my blog is a safe place, it's my safe place anyway because sometimes, I need to be able to just let off steam about my condition/s when I don't know where else to turn.

Anyway, as I said, I had no coming out story. I'm bi, that's that and bar being told it was a phase and proving peeps wrong, I just want peeps to know, that I am here and I am a safe place, if ever you need one!

But for the biggest matter at hand, and the name of this blog, it's time for the mental health low down. And honestly? My mental health is actually great. Which is funny when you think about it, and how I started this whole lock down, self-iso stuff... where I thought I was gonna feel lonely and that I would hate it and yes, at times, I have hated it, but... the last month or so, heck, 28 days since I wrote my last blog post, everything has been okay?

How do I know this?

1. I've been sleeping alright (considering the heat and the sudden random days I get nausea in the morning).
2. I'm managing my food quite well, and have just about managed to stick to 1500cals a day, thus, I have hardly been snacking, which is amazing. 
3. I have found ways to deal with my mental health, even if I found said things accidentally, but I feel great after well, the random ways I got to deal with things so that's a bonus. 
4. I don't feel the need to brighten my day with an advent calendar door each mornign anymore (sometimes, I forget to even open a door).
5. I'm finding things to do and keep me busy, thus only sitting down to do nothing if I am out of breath or tired cos of my conditions. 

There are probably some other things, I have no doubt. But, that's what I can think of at the moment... it's these things that are telling me that I am actually DOING OKAY. And considering my life has always been many shades of grey and an absolute mess, I can finally say I am realising a few things and slowly heading out on to a winner. 

I will admit, a lot of things have changed of late, namely, the live-streaming we do on mixer (Mixer Channel, Queen and McBooty. I think I have mentioned that I bought a chromebook on finance, mainly to do arts n stuff and even though it is a massive investment, it's paying off itself. In many ways. The main one being the fact I can do digital artwork now, which is awesome (after I have hated it for so long) but it's also helped us kick back into live-streaming games again, which is one of the main and massive reasons my mental health has improved.

It seems like a crazy little thing, just, talking. But talking to the game or people in the chat, knowing that someone, somewhere is listening, just makes me feel a lot less alone and vulnerable in my own head. Again, it's so silly, but I've streamed a few games now and the other half has been streaming a bit too, and we are slowly watching this small idea of live-streaming games, growing into something that could in a way, benefit me in the future. Okay, it's not the answer to our financial woes, but, if we continue to grow, it's an opportunity that one day, I can sit back once the pandemic is all over and maybe work less to help increase the control I have over the stress that seems to kill my diabetes. But, it's something.

And not only that, I am arting more, designing logos and chibis for streamers, I've designed our own graphics and overlays n stuff as well and I could continue to do this as I enjoy it quite a bit. It could be another stress free way to help deal with the stress that does bother my diabetes so much. 

It's all dreams, but they are dreams that could potentially become a reality some day. I mean, we have grown by 150 followers in a month, we've hit the ember goal last month and this month already, we have peeps tuning in to our streams regularly and merch is selling too (and damn, I love designing merch). It's a long way off, but I hope that me and the other half will be able to maybe one day reach the goal of partnership with mixer, maybe become affiliates with some big brands in the future too... I dunno, it's a long way off and bar waiting for a PhD with my fave supervisor or maybe doing a creative writing masters, I honestly feel like I have some things to look forward to in my life now, which is shocking considering the world is an absolute cock-womble of a mess right now.

I'm sure I'll ramble about our streaming escapades in the future, but I just wanted everyone to know I am actually okay!

Anyway, I'm still around, and I will go back to the diabetes posts and info shizzle soon! Have some plans for more art posts as well, so I can show you guys some stuff I have been working on (and I might set up a Fiverr account, who knows!) I'm hoping I hear back from JDRF soon too about social media shizzle plans. Either way... 

Stay safe everyone! 

[[0054]] Day 31 of Self-Isolation

I nearly forgot to write this because I was too busy doing an art again. I want to say sorry, but I am not. 

Day 31 (Okay... turns out I do have some mental health shit going on, I've just been ignoring it).

Okay so I am so sorry this is late, I really am, but I may have been arting on the Chromebook again and... I just... I just lost myself haha

I drew a Lugia!!! Haha one of my faves and turns out, one of my bosses all time faves too so I had to  give it a go!!! I also decided that if any of my friends or work mates like Pokemon and to practice and get used to stuff, I am going to just rando draw people pretties! Figured, life is hard atm so sometimes something happy can't go wrong in the grand scheme of things... and means I can learn skills and all that jazz.

I have a long way to go but at least my work is not terrible. I might watch some tutorials tomorrow to learn some more about shading and blending and stuff but... for now, I am happy with what I have been making on the Chromebook! I hope you all like it too (AND totally check out my art page, Aluria Arts).

I'd like to think this arting is helping my mental health but I am beginning to wonder if it is just a distraction so I don't deal with said mental health. I have a thing that I do when things are not great, and it is always that one thing I never notice I am doing, until it has gone on for a while and then I realise and it's not that it is too late, more just, why could I not realise this sooner and deal with it. Long story short, I just get really bad at showering or having a bath and washing my hair and stuff when my depression is just being well, annoying. I also tend to obsess over things a bit, for example, the artwork. Don't worry, I have finally had a bath but it has been a week. I just need to figure out what is going on in my head. I have ideas, such as not going out, not having structure, diabetes going a bit weird the last couple of days... it could be anything. My assumption is the biggest problem is staying at home and not seeing people. But I also accept that this is how it is because the last thing I want is another trip to hospital cos my kidney has decided to give up cos I have developed corona virus.

I think I'll come to terms with the fact I can't do anything about it... but, I do wish I could.

Tomorrow is another day and I at least have Jake home this weekend so that is something.

I was actually meant to be in Wales now with my besties and the other half after an amazing trip to London. I have counted my loses, shit does happen, but... it does make me sad. I miss so many people. I miss work. I miss friends. I miss my family... bleh.

In happier and less depressing news, my adorable mini hype unicorn bag came today... it is actually bigger than I thought it would be but it is cute as heck and I can't wait to use it out and about once this is all over.I have also realised that I have erm... bought a lot of things I would erm... wear out the house, but can't at the moment. It's fine, I can wear it all in the house and pretend I am a pastel goth princess but... it kinda is not really the same!!! Oh well, docs and cute bag tomorrow in my pjs it is. LMAO

Well, last but not least... whats behind door number 10!!!

Washi tape!!! I am sooooo gonna use this in the office. I think I might like stick up some cute Harry Potter pictures and use this to like decorate the corners, I don't know. Either way, it is adorable! Roll on door number 11!!!

Okay, I need to go to bed... and again I am so sorry this is a late one!!

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0019]] Eye screening results are back... and when you thought things could NOT get any worse...

... when you think things cannot get any worse...

AND THEY DO.

(Because this is my life and they always get worse).

To be quite honest with you, I had been having a somewhat reasonable day for many reasons, such as payday, eating food I want to eat, having the drinks I like, new stuff in Pokémon Sword, getting a Shiny Lucario (at last) for my Shiny Zapdos, working with people I like, being good at biting my tongue and the most important thing... PLANNING MY AMAZING LONDON/WALES BIRTHDAY and then you get slammed in the face by a massive fat brick and you're like, "oh well, honestly can't have nice things, can I?" (Enjoy the picture of the shiny Lucario, she deserved to be on here to brighten all of your days).

This my friends, is the life I keep joking and telling you all about but now you get to see how it unfolds as it unfolds as I only just opened these letters myself... and I am just... I don't even know. I might laugh and joke about all of this, but deep down, I'm tearing myself apart on a daily basis because trying and doing is never good enough and will never be good enough because there never, ever seems to be any good news about my health, only more and more little bits of bad. Maybe I should try and take the crap in my life more seriously but I think if I did that, I don't think I'd be standing and I don't want to live and wallow in my own self pity, so may as well be blunt and honest with everyone; if I do that, I can't get hurt, because means I get the truth out there before people start to make things up about me. Honesty is the best policy supposedly...

So... the eye screening results and why my brain is word vomiting a blog post for you all... well, I am getting to it. I didn't actually get my screening results first... turned out I had been sent an appointment at my local hospital in the Ophthalmology Dept, which if I am honest, I am kind of used to those by now as they are a regular occurrence. 

So, I got this this morning... well, yesterday but I just didn't check the door as I had not heard the postman yesterday. I expected an appointment or a check up but this letter didn't really explain why, plus, that appointment was not going to stick for long because: 

1. Need appointments later in the afternoon because of the eye drops making my eyes too blurry to actually do my job
2. It's on my birthday and going to the hospital on my birthday is just bloody depressing and I can think of things I would rather be doing than sitting in a waiting room, unable to see for like three hours or more afterwards

I never actually got round to changing the appointment today, but it was on my list to do tomorrow... the least I could ask for is an appointment towards the end of April, or somehow get put on an earlier clinic if the powers let be could. 

And then I got home. And saw the letter with the return address for Bristol so kind of knew the eye screening results were back (and quicker then I anticipated as well). And then I actually read it. And then the above appointment suddenly made a lot of bloody sense. 

I don't really remember what my old diabetic eye screening letters read or looked like, but I don't think I have ever read one quite this harsh or blunt. "Sight-threatening retinopathy". "Serious changes to the blood vessels". 

Either way, it looks like yet again, the stress and the illnesses I went through last year is causing my eyes to give me problems as well. Don't get me wrong, my vision has been blurry for a while and some days I can see screens and things fine and then others I need to wear reading glasses to magnify the letters in books on screens so I can read clearly, heck, I've been able to wear the glasses less at work because my vision has not been blurring as bad and yet... this is just potentially, the straw that might break the camels back (oh yeah, update, my mental health has been in a trash place as well, supposedly wrecked the kitchen on Tuesday but don't remember doing it, just remember crying cos no pans to make dinner, then my porridge died in the microwave and after that is a blur of crying and going to bed to depresso sleep so....... yeah). 

What does this all mean, bar well, my head going three thousand plus miles an hour and refusing to shut up as it weights up all the scenarios from the good (saving my eyesight) to the terrifying (eventually being blind) so I am prepared for every single eventuality that could happen (this also includes how people will speak to me and treat me, to what work might or might not do, to having to quit working... my brain will think of EVERYTHING that may or may not happen)?

Well... long story short (although I won't know for certain until I attend the appointment), this might mean I have to have laser surgery again. I have had this three times before, the last time I think being six or so years ago, maybe five. I think I've had it twice in my left eye and once on my right. I need to make it clear (lol, no pun intended), that surgery for retinopathy is nothing like the corrective surgery for those who wear glasses... it doesn't help you see better or fix the problem and damn I wish it did. Alas, like most diabetic problems, all laser surgery does it prevent the problem from getting worse for a time (so in this case, slow down the chance of you becoming blind). Long story short, laser surgery for diabetic retinopathy involves firing a laser to the area where the small blood vessels are leaking fluid (I think sugar) into the back of the eye. Type 1 diabetes can affect the microvascular blood vessel system, which is why a lot of use end up with eye, kidney, nerve and heart problems (and look at me, being 30 and having three of the four already). 

Have I ever mentioned one of my biggest fears? Going blind. Blindness is one of my top four most hated and feared things. I don't want to go blind. So yes, if it's laser surgery again then I will indeed go for it (even though you do have to sign forms and so on, which tell you this surgery could make you blond eep). I am not ready to be blind and I never will be ready. I like to draw and I like to write and I want my career in Science and I want to be able to see for all of these as best that I can. Hell, I want to be able to see my wedding. See my family. See my partner. See my cats. See my friends. See films and TV and musicians playing live. See the video games I play... so I'll take the laser surgery again. There could be other treatments but until I read the leaflet they sent, I have no idea what other options there are. But I'd probably take those options too. I don't have a choice, I cannot afford to lose my eye sight so young.

Needless to say, this has put a major downer on planning a fun birthday away from this town, with my friends and my fiance in London and in Wales. I still intend on planning these things, but I;m being fake if I seem happy about them cos all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and not come out until the problems go away even though I know that they will not. So yeah, I'll continue to plan my birthday. I'll try and change the appointment so it doesn't affect my birthday (pray for an earlier appointment for me please!!!) and we will just see what happens.

So yeah, thats that. I am yet again, not getting a break which I feel like I have fought for so damn hard. But I guess this is my life at the end of the day. Who am I to expect a break? The world just has to crap on people just to see how much they can take.

Alas, sometimes, strong people can break. Now that's a pre-warning to whatever is up there. Don't break me. It will not be fucking pretty.

  

[[0017]] The bane of a diabetics life... HYPERS/HIGHS

I have already written about hypoglycaemia over here so I felt it was time to write about the other end of the spectrum, hyperglycaemia (or highs as I will call them from here on out).

These are quite honestly the bane of mine (and I am sure other diabetics) life. Sometimes the highs cannot be helped, such as illness or stress, but other times, it doesn't matter how hard you try to keep your blood sugars stable, the highs just keep coming and coming and coming no matter what you do to try and stop them. Highs can also be deadly or just make you feel really sick and lethargic, amongst other things. I have actually suffered inadvertently with diabetic bulimia (diabulimia) due to constant high blood sugars, but that is a post for another date! 

Back to the post and what it is all about. Well, I will explain what hyperglycaemia is, symptoms of highs, how to treat highs and a couple of stories (alas, these will not be as funny as my hypo stories sadly, but they are poignant and bring the point home about how hard it can be to try and keep control of diabetes in an ever stressful world, or in my case, my not so ordinary world.

What is hyperglycaemia?

Hyperglycaemia is a result of too much glucose in the blood stream (check out the illustration above, those glucose molecules are definitely not making us feel very good). This can cause blood sugar readings to be very high, in my case, the highest I have achieved is 30mmol/L (be sure to check out my previous post about measuring blood glucose) but sugar levels can read higher than this, or in the case of my blood glucose metre, HI (which I think is about 35mmol/L but don't quote me on this). It is best to try and treat highs as quickly as possible, but this isn't as easy as treating a hypo... this can take longer to achieve and in my case, is not always successful.

The chart above shows just under a months amount of blood results... everything above the red line is out of range for me, or high. A lot of people have their highs set to 10mmol/L but mine is 15 due to the fact that I have struggled to keep control over the years so for the longest time, anything below 15 was decent enough for me. 

Looking at this, I realise how badly controlled my diabetes can be sometimes, especially towards lunch/afternoon. I'm still trying to figure out why I have the highs around that time of day, even when I have carb counted my breakfast and lunch, but that is a mystery for another day and not this post. 

How does hyperglycaemia happen?

Hyperglycaemia occurs due to a build up of glucose in the blood, which can simply be a result of an imbalance between the amount of insulin injected into the body and the amount of carbohydrate in food that has been eaten (although high levels of glucose can occur for other, not as common reasons).

The main causes of hyperglycaemia are:

• not enough insulin injected at meals
• not injecting before/after a meal or a sugary snack
• skipping meals
• illness
• non-diabetes related medications
• levels of physical activity
• stress/anxiety
• colder weather

As you can see, there are many factors that diabetics need to be in control of to help prevent highs from occurring. And it is vital that sugars are not high, as persistently high blood sugars can lead to diabetic complications later in life, such as:

• cardivascular disease/strokes/heart attacks
• diabetic peripheral neuropathy (nerve damage)
• diabetic retinopathy/diabetic maculopathy (damage to the small blood vessels in the eyes, leading to blindness)
• nephropathy (kidney damage/disease/failure)
• issues with the feet, such as infection, ulcers, blisters which can lead to amputation
• infection in the teeth and gums

What are the symptoms of hyperglycaemia? 

Hyperglycaemic symptoms I find, are not as obvious or noticeable as symptoms of hypoglycaemia. I have found that the symptoms of highs are subtle and only noticeable to myself... and the symptoms that I do get are very frustrating and certainly annoying to have. I have found that in a way, there are two stages to high blood sugar symptoms, the more common ones for when blood sugar levels are elevated for a shorted amount of time, then a second bunch for when blood sugars are raised for a longer period of time. 

Symptoms of short-term hyperglycaemia include:

• headaches
• dry mouth
• increased thirst
• urinating more often 
• feeling fatigued/lethargic 

Symptoms of long-term hyperglycaemis include:

• nausea/vomiting/making yourself vomit
• acetone/pear drop smell on the breath
• shortness of breath
• feeling weak
• sleeping a lot/falling asleep
• abdominal pains (in particular, around the kidney area)
• mental disturbance/confusion
• urine that smells sweeter than normal/pale coloured urine

Hyperglycaemia is a very serious problem, and the build up of glucose can result in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) in which toxic ketones build up in the blood stream. This can lead to hospitalisation but if left untreated, can become severe and result in coma or death. DKA is classed as a medical emergency and most people with diabetes do end up in hospital if DKA occurs.

Ketones - why are they so deadly?

I shall do a proper big post about ketones and DKA in the future, but I figured a small section about them could help those who have friends or family members with diabetes as ketones can be spotted quite easily by other people.

Ketones occur when there is not enough insulin in the blood to convert glucose into energy, so the level of this sugar increases as the liver in turn, begins to turn fat into energy instead. This causes ketones to be formed in the blood which are toxic and require medical help immediately. Ketones lead to DKA, which occurs as ketones build-up to ever increasing toxic levels. 

A symptom of hyperglycaemia as mentioned above, is the unique smell of acetone/pear drops on the breath, which is often associated with ketones, as this smell tends to only be noticed when a diabetic's body has been in hyperglycaemia for a long period of time. IF YOU EVER SMELL KETONES AROUND SOMEONE WITH DIABETES, CHECK THEIR KETONES AND/OR CALL 999 IMMEDIATELY.  

How do you treat hyperglycaemia?

I personally find that highs are harder to treat than lows. I guess this is because it depends on why you are having the hyperglycaemic attack in the first place.

The easiest way to treat hyperglycaemia is by taking insulin, which as a starting point until diabetics have found their ratios, is a unit of insulin to reduce bloods by 3.0mmol/L. I also learnt in hospital, to drink a lot of water too, which can help flush glucose from the body (although this is not as effective as doing insulin, however it is best to do both of these at the same time).

But this only works if hyperglycaemia has occurred due to not doing enough insulin or physical activity; hyperglycaemia caused by illness and stress for example, can be more difficult to treat. 

One of the biggest problems that I have personally had in trying to control my blood sugars, is the result of stress on them. I have mentioned briefly in posts prior to this one, that stress has predominated my life from an early age and as I got older, I tended to brush my own health and mental health problems under the carpet to deal with everyone else's issues, and neglecting myself is the reason why I ignored my diabetes so much. I tended to inject when I could feel dry mouth and even then, I wasn't injecting to lower my blood sugars but just to get rid of the dry mouth. 

Stress causes high blood sugars due to the fight or flight response that is in-built within us from an early age. When put in a situation that causes stress, the body releases glucose from the glycogen (concentrated glucose) that is stored in the liver. In people without diabetes, the release of hormones that is a result of stress and deal with stress cause  this glucose to be released and the blood sugar rises, however insulin is also released but in type 1 diabetics, this does not occur. This can cause blood sugars to rise in those with diabetes and this kind of sugar I find, is difficult to medicate for. This also occurs when diabetics are struck with bugs and illnesses outside of their control... for example, when I had gastroenteritis last year, I was medicating but even though I was not eating food, my blood sugars remained consistently high, no matter how much insulin I did; it also turned out I had ketones when dealing with this illness, which was another reason I was admitted as well as the neuropathy. I have since learned that if I ever end up with an illness like gastroenteritis again, that I do need to go to hospital straight away and obviously, call 999. You live and you learn after all!!!

In these situations I find its best to do everything you can to beat the illness, such as drinking a lot of water to help flush the bad stuff out of the body and increasing medication. If you are lucky enough to be able to predict when an anxious moment is coming, then do a little extra insulin, but honestly, unless you are logging every little thing that causes you stress, it is hard to know when you will become anxious or stressed, especially if it is spontaneous. Can you believe it, but some people's blood sugars can go up due to anxiety caused by a scary film! 

That is it for now folks! I hope you enjoyed this post about hyperglycaemia and how to treat it as best you can. Needless to say, all diabetics are different and what is said here may work for some but not for others. All information provided is based on my own experiences, but please, get talking to everyone else out there and find out their stories too!!! I also hope you're looking forward to future posts hinted at in this post, such as DKA and diabulimia, cold weather with diabetes and more!

Also, a big thank you to all those of you who are still following and reading my posts but also a big thank you to a member of a diabetes group I recently joined, Taz Marie, who gave me the idea to write about highs and eventually DKA and a couple of other interesting posts/interviews coming in the future!!!

[[0016]] Week 6 Overview

What an absolute up and down of a week, is the only way I can seem to put this... just like my blood sugars ha! 

So, here are the blood results for the week... and honestly, what an absolute mess. I have had some good days thankfully but a lot of bad bloods seem to be taking over. I am still getting used to taking Toujeo and will need to contact my nurse about potentially upping the dose a little bit (once I've figured out getting my screen shots up on the work PCs so I can email them to her). I have started to have less hypos though, which is good... but I am also having a few more highs, but that might not be because of Toujeo, and could instead be, especially at the end of the week, down to stress of the news I got on Friday. 

So, many of you may have seen my blog post yesterday (if not, then check it out here) about the news I received on Friday in regards to my kidneys, and that they have in fact worsened since leaving hospital and because of this, I am now diagnosed with stage 3 chronic kidney disease (CKD3). I won't go into all the stuff I went into in my previous blog post about it all, because this is an overview and you all don't need to here it again, but I do think it has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and worry which is why my blood sugars have not been easy to control this weekend. I am going to try harder next week but... I don't know what next week will bring for that matter. Nonetheless, I am still dealing and trying to cope with everything as best as I can. Just gotta wait and see what the future brings from here on out I guess. 

So, it was Valentine's Day on Friday and because of our trip to London, we couldn't do a large amount (and in the end I had an early night because of the CKD news) but when we were in London, we found this awesome shop called Scribblr, that had some proper fantastic Valentine's Day cards... and low and behold, the other half got me this card haha! Everyone at work had a good giggle about it as I had to put it on my desk... and I guess in a way, it is kind of convenient, specially as carb counting is going to be my future soon.

I shared it on one of the diabetes facebook groups I am on and OMG, I was worried about what they would think, but thankfully, loads of people thought it was hilarious thank goodness!!! Hell, it was a pretty popular post that day on there, so win win all round. And means the other half now officially wins at Valentine's Day according to the group, so I would honestly like to think I have brightened a lot of people's days with the sharing of my card!

I did get Jake an Eminem one, mainly because I got him an Ed Sheeran one last year, so felt I had to keep the music theme up... just gotta decide what kind of music one to get him next year haha!!! We also managed to get take out for our Valentine's Day meal and ordered a massive £30 vouchers worth of Papa John's pizza and sides! So so so so good haha Got to love having Paypal credit sometimes, if it means you can have a nice treat... and omg the cheesy jalapeno bites were so good, I could have eaten a bajillion haha (I also really love their special garlic sauce and have a couple spare in the fridge cos dunking nuggets in it is the best thing ever)!

I haven't really done a lot this week, just work and sleep and so on... but we did go to my Dad's and Step Mum's this weekend which was awesome. A few drinky-poos were had, played some fun games (Cards Against Star Wars is AWESOME), did some karaoke and got an absolutely banging roast dinner today which was so so so so needed and definitely satisfied my vegetable cravings (one of the reasons I love roast dinners).

But best of all, I get to see my gorgeous big boy, Vincent Valentine Kadaj the 1st, well, Vincent or Vinnie for short. He's an old man now but he is so cuddly and massive and snuggly and just, OMG I can't help but sit with him for ages and give him loves and pets and scratches and listen to him purr and so on. He's a right dribbler of a cat as well, bless him but its worth it for the massive cuddles and head bops he gives you ❤️❤️❤️ I remember when he was a baby kitten, when I first got him, and I left him on the sofa when I went up to bed to sleep... and I came down in the night to check on him and he had disappeared behind the cushions and down the back of the sofa, so for a solid week, I slept with him downstairs! I love getting to see him when I can. He's a special lil old princely man. And makes me happy and calm and chill about things when he is around. I'd love to have him with me, but living in the countryside has been amazing for him so I would never take him away from that, but I love that when I do get to see him, he is nothing but cuddles, like he can remember me looking after him like a mama when he was a baby. 

I guess the only other thing I have to report is that I finally spoke to my doctors surgery about getting my medication changed for neuropathy and  am so glad that I rang them. I got a telephone appointment with my actual doctor which I was so relieved about (I love my doctors so much, like, they get me and know that I know what is wrong when I go in so the appointments are always quick and they seem to like I have done a masters in biomedical science too). It was a good chat and he listened which was amazing and is putting me back on Mirtazapine straight away because I clearly need it after my bad lack of sleep since coming off the medication as well as the fact my mental health is dipping quite badly at the moment. He's also giving me another medication for the neuropathy which I have heard better things about in comparison to Duloxitine so I am looking forward to trying them and hoping that I get less pain in my feet. I'll let you know next week how that all goes!!!

So, I think that is all for this week for now, so thank you all again for sticking around, reading, commenting, following and sharing! I'll get the diabetes message out there some day, I hope! I can't do it without any of you after all ❤️

[[0015]] I'm not as invincible as I thought I was - Chronic Kidney Disease

I'm sat at the laptop trying to figure out a lot of things in my head, alas, everything is overwhelming and even I don't know what to think or do or act or anything at this point in time. I promised a sad post, because... I am going to be honest with all of you and I am quite frankly, not in a good place at all (and for me, I come out better in writing and text then I do in person and talking, hence this blog)... so for sad post warnings, here is Igor the Destroyer, attacking the insulin producing Beta cells of the immune system, thus causing type 1 diabetes. So... if you want to read some sad, read on, if you don't, then I suggest backing out not.

So, where to begin?

I finally received the letter the consultant wrote to my doctor and cc'ed me in on. It's kinda funny, I see letters like this every day at work so I partially no what to expect to be written on them or their tone, but when it is about yourself... it's a completely different kettle of fish. 

So the layout is normally simple, name and address and all that, followed by diagnosis, medication/med changes, investigations (blood results mainly) and then some writing about seeing you in clinic and further description of changes and health and what will be done. 

But mine... had a somewhat nasty surprise I was hoping wouldn't happen under diagnosis and... to say I am not shaken would be a lie because yet again, I am absolutely terrified about my future.

As many of you are aware, I was taken in to hospital last year due to permanent pins and needles that happened in my foot when I was severely sick with gastroenteritis. Whilst in hospital, it turns out that I had also suffered an Acute Kidney Injury (AKI) in which I was given antibiotics for an infection that had developed in my left kidney all thanks to the gastroenteritis and as my doctor on the ward said, your kidneys are the wimps of the body... if you get sick, they might go down with you. And boy, do they go down with you. Hard.

Prior to being in hospital last October, my kidney function was relatively normal... after, well, my Glomerular Filtration Rate is refusing to rise higher than 41-43... this... basically means that I am now no longer suffering with an AKI, but a Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD), stage 3B to be precise. This is because my kidney function has not returned to their functionality from the pre-event of Gastroenteritis last year... and since being in hospital, they just have not got any better. This means they are only functioning at half capacity. And that... at the age of 30, is bloody terrifying.

Don't get me wrong... all this can eventually happen to a type 1 diabetic, less likely when you have good control and more likely if control is bad but it can still happen nonetheless. It's like the neuropathy, I was not expecting that (after the years of high bloods and stress that I have had ruining said diabetes) until I was at least 40 or 50... but 30? Yes, part of my control is to blame for all of this but it isn't the main reason all this is happening to me now, it is because I had that Gastroenteritis last year... that is why neuropathy started... and that is why I now have a CKD.

All that being said... I am still blaming myself. Even though the vast majority of the stress was not my fault and I have removed as much of that as I could possibly do from my life (which has shown in my HbA1c going down at last) but now I am wondering, if it even was enough? Or will it ever be enough? I've done what I can and I really have tried as I have got older because I would like to try and enjoy my life and live said normal life as much as possible whilst I can. Something as stupid as a severe stomach bug has brought on all these changes, not all strictly my diabetes and I think that is what is making all of this even worse for me... because I knew it would maybe happen one day but not so soon and not like this, maybe I would have had more preparation as things slowly started to deteriorate, not suddenly cos of a stupid bloody bug. 

But, knowing I have CKD now has suddenly made a few of the other problems that I have developed since leaving hospital, make sense. I always thought being so out of breath all the time was related to smoking (yes, before anyone asks I do end on quitting now cos of my kidneys) but, my breath has been so so bad since coming out of hospital, even walking up the stairs can get to me way too much... turns out the build up of waste products cos lack of kidney functionality can cause this. I also cramp really badly and get bad pains in what I think is my hip joint bone and my knee and this also relates to CKD. I can only stand or walk for a short period of time before I am in agony and have to sit down. Fatigue is partially related but isn't helped by the fact I've not slept properly since hospital because they changed my antidepressant (although I am getting it back so watch this space on that). 

Nonetheless, my mental health is shot. I just want to curl up and sleep and cuddle my cats and honestly, pretend none of this happening. I still have loads I need to do with my life before I even give myself the chance to rest and relax, for example, buy my bungalow to make my future life easy, for example, go to work and do my four days a week so we can live comfortably and pay bills and still enjoy life (cos I really need to enjoy life right now), kids in the future would also be nice but now I am not so sure that will be okay to do, let alone easy. 

I know the Duloxitine has not been a good antidepressant for me, and maybe my outlook will be better once my Mirtazapine kicks in and I get my sleep back to normal again... but I can still feel all the niggling anxiety poking inside head comments fighting it out and I just can't keep up, I have a constant headache, I am constantly tired and worrying and scared and dear fuck, I don't want to die young, which is now my newest and biggest fear. 

I'm just not happy. I am not happy at all. I thought I was invincible once upon a time, well, not invincible but I was good at bouncing back and recovering and now I am not so sure where or what I am anymore. Which is another fear that is plaguing me as well. My diabetes and my health is taking over my life and I hate it, I hate it so much. I feel like I am becoming my diabetes and that is so depressing and mortifying and not what I wanted at all. Like, I get I have to control my diabetes and stuff to live said normal and happy life... but all these things that I now have to do are starting to scare and overwhelm me and I am honestly freaking out daily because there is just so much. After next week, I have to carb count everything I eat and medicate accordingly... FOR EVERYTHING. I have to work out correction doses and other things as well for when my bloods are high. If that is not taking over my life, I don't know what is. Any strenuous activity needs to be medded properly and accounted for, so if I do anything different, constant checking to make sure things are normal. Then the number of pills and insulin jabs I have to take daily as well. Add in the amount of clinics and appointments I have to go to now (I have three coming up on Friday... that's a day of work lost). Add to all that eventually that I will have renal appointments and more blood tests as well.

At this point in time, bar taking the Candesartan tablets again and praying they preserve my kidneys, I have no idea what to do about my kidneys... as supposedly I will never get better from it. I don't know why I am saying supposedly, I learnt all this at University. I will never really recover from it. And this is where potentially more life controlling and changing things can happen and overwhelm me further. My diet may have to change for starters and some of the things I love, I may no longer be allowed to have because of kidney function. This could mean food bills get more expensive as I will only be able to have a healthy balanced diet of certain things which doesn't bode well when we eat cheap cos that is what we can afford. Obvs, I will quit smoking although that is going to be hard as its currently my stress free, peace and quiet routine so that will be a tough habit to break. I don't drink a lot anyway, but alcohol consumption when I do have it, will have to change. Hell, even lowering my salt intake may have to happen (and I love crisps so much omg). Also, if my bone pain is caused by a build up of phosphate in my blood cos of my kidneys, then I will have to reduce or remove dairy, eggs and red meat from my diet. 

It's a lot to deal with. It is all too overwhelming and I feel lost and alone even though I am not alone because I have my fiance, friends and family. But it's still scary and taking over my life and I hate it all, I hate it all so much. I know it can't happen but I just want to be normal, I don't even remember what normal feels like what with being diagnosed so young. 

I just want to try and make something of myself in whatever years I have... (at least 35, I hope). Like... I don't want to be known as my diabetes and my diabetes being me. I want to try and make something of myself so when I do one day go down, go blind, lose my kidney function or whatever... I've done something to be remembered for. I hope that I can write a book one day, whether its about my life or my fantasy world of Aluria, and I hope we can make it as streamers as well, because it would be nice to work doing things I love to get by, not because I need to work to survive. I hope I can manage to get some kind of work helping kids with type 1 diabetes.

I don't know, I have dreams. All I can do is just try and carry on, like I normally do... because honestly, there isn't much more I can do at this point.    

[[0011]] Week 4 Overview

Happy Sunday evening everyone... and apologies for the muchas late weekly review post. It has been a day and a half and then some on the organising front... and even then, things aren't organised. Slightly better, but not organised. And somewhat more disorganised too, if that is even possible. 

But we will get on to that later. First things first, the weekly blood test results review... and... it's been bad. 

Since going to the Diabetic Clinic on Tuesday, I honestly have felt so damn burned out by the diabetes again, which I haven't felt like since before hospital, when I was stressed, had stress going on in my life, when everyday was stress and I had no time to think of the diabetes. 

Again, the clinic was great and I am glad I went, as there are some positive changes on the way, hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday, whenever my prescription gets updated and changed and I have new medication but... it's the age old chat of "you are too young for complications" along with, "yes, you have been stressed and stuff but complications..." and yes I damn well know all of this and I have known for absolutely YEARS and nothing will ever change the fact that I have lived the vast majority of my life with some kind of stress and anxiety and depression and so forth... and just, I get it. I get it and I just want some changes to be positive about, like, "well done on lowering the HbA1c into the nurses target range" and "well done for having the balls to remove toxic people and life stress from your life to get better" and heck, even "well done for trying to keep on top of things and trying to keep your bloods in range" and blah blah blah. 

Urgh... its a burn out week. It really is. I'm hoping with next week being a new week, things are going to be a little bit better but, I honestly can never tell. The fact I can feel that the diabetes control is slowly starting to major control my life is starting and continuing to eat away at me and I hate it. Its becoming an obsession, and I hate that it is, because I just want to deal with it and get on with my life as normally as possible but it honestly doesn't feel like I can do that right now... not with the carb counting dietitian appointment coming up. Like I know how to carb count, I've read how too... but it seems to consume every little thing you do when you eat and I hate that... I get why, I get why it's fantastic... I just hate it because we all know eating is vital to staying alive but it shouldn't make me feel like it is taking over... and it is. I hate it so much. This is one of the reasons I rebelled so much as a kid... that and being in secondary school with T1D is bloody hard anyway when peer pressure is everywhere and you get picked on for being diabetic amongst other things. Oh well, at least I know, after following some diabetes groups on Facebook, that I am not the only one who has so many problems.

However, I have been preparing for my trip to London, which I feel like I may actually need at this point because I don't think I've had a mini break since June last year, so it's long overdue and might just give me a chance to relax, de-stress and for once, enjoy myself in the city I love. 

I've also been preparing my next blog post for you all, which I am hoping will be like a show and tell kind of thing. The picture to the left is a little bag I found whilst packing my stuff for London, and I've decided to use it for all my diabetes kit and stuff. I've never done something like this before, and tend to let things hang loose in the bottom/front pocket of my bag, but I've been seeing people doing similar so it seemed a great thing to do, and something my mental health doesn't seem to mind doing because it appeals to my sense of organisation. Plus, geeky is best haha, would you expect anything less from me? Eitherway, the other half is gonna grab some dextros tablets and what not to put in the pouch tomorrow and then it will be ready for show and tell on Tuesday, so be ready to check out post 0012! I am actually quite excited about it!!

Speaking of packing... it is what I have spent most of today doing... as well as washing up a lot of clothes because my wonderful cats are absolute dicks... and decided at some point over the last week or so, to make my life hell. Not that I didn't have a lot of washing to do or ought, but I knew what I wanted to take to London with me and for once I intended on packing early so that I wasn't rushing the night before (we will be streaming Tuesday night before we go so the more prepared the better yo!). 

Alas, I entered the bathroom on Saturday... realised a lot of the dirty clothes in there were a bit damp... and then the smell hit me. The cats had decided to protest the old litter tray and their hate of it and decided to pee on the clothes... (I think Pom Pom did most of the peeing mind you, I'll post a picture of her in another post)... but then I found some cat poop hidden neatly under some clothes and I knew exactly who had done that one. Pictured above is my beautiful shit bag of cat, who has pooped in my bedroom before and covered it with my shorts... which is kind of sweet because she is a clean kitty but OMG WHY POOP AND PEE IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOUR LITTER TRAY IS LESS THAN TO METRES AWAY? Seriously, I love my baby snuggle butt, but I do question her life choices at the best of times. Needless to say though, both kitties now have a new litter tray, with litter liners and freshener and a cute cat paw print mat and they seem to be loving their new toilet as there have been no more accidents.

However, it has not changed the fact I am now uber behind of clothes washing to the point I have had to set up two airers, as well as hanging washing off shower doors and radiators and trying to dry stuff in the tumble dryer (which is actually drying slower than the radiators... BLEH!) I mean, I have nearly finished packing, bar two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt which I am waiting to dry/finish washing and then obvs, my back pack for travelling but... at least I am getting there? It's pretty much the only thing in my life right now that is actually organised haha

I am looking forward to London though... I get to see friends I don't get to see often (missed you Misa and Meg and Brum/Manchester crew ❤️) but I also get to see an amazing band I absolutely love, buy more band merch for the band merch/music room but also planning on going to the Natural History Museum, which was one of my all time favourite places as a kid!!! Our friends who live near us, Sarah and Mike, are also coming to see Dir en Grey for the first time and I am actually so bloody excited for them too eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Speaking of music... guess who got tickets to see My Chemical Romance in June for a certain someones birthday? I did!!! The other halfs family helped towards them seen as he's always wanted to see MCR, and tbh I am quite excited. My diabetes on the other hand, went absolutely mental during and after buying tickets because of the anxiety of the queue and then the fact I actually managed to get them. Needless to say, this year is a fantastic year for seeing music, and I have been saying for ages that I wanted to enjoy life a bit more now I am not as stressed and bogged down with things. So roll on Dir en Grey on Wednesday, then MUCC and Skindred for my birthday and finally MCR in June! Now to pray Versailles, Jupiter or Kamijo announce for this year... would be pretty perfect! 

But I should probably bring this back round to diabetes... as per usual. I'm not sure, but I think my neuropathy might be getting worse, or the medication just is not working (because I know for a fact it is not working as an anti-depressant). Today, after all the walking I did yesterday, alongside the super manual job I did at work on Friday alongside hunting through the house and climbing over things today, the pins and needles in my bad foot has intensified again to the point that I am finally feeling the pain everyone goes on about. I am a bit concerned and  don't really know what to do because its a nerve problem so normal over the counter pain killers do absolutely nothing. I'm hoping it gets better before London, and might have to beg the fiance for a foot rub when he's filling less sick... so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope I get some new medication for neuropathy this week.

I also think I may have figured out a way to sleep better without the aid of my old anti-depressant, Mirtazapine. I've actually been getting to sleep easier since Wednesday when I bought the new thermal 15tog duvet (we have a freezing house omg)... and I have been dropping off a lot easier. I've been reading for a while about those weighted blankets and I know its not the same but... this duvet is heavier and I think I might actually need something weighted to help me sleep better. Maybe, if I ever make some pennies off this blog, I could put them towards one of those heavy blankets? Would be awesome!!!

Anyway... that be enough rambling for one week, plus I need some damn good rest before work tomorrow as I am on the super manual job again as well as training someone on the lead role. So... be back on Tuesday guys, and thank you for sticking around!

[[0010]] Diabetes Clinic (the first of many...)

I was going to post about the diabetes clinic sooner, but I ended up pulling a 11.5hr shift on Tuesday to help out alongside a mass shopping spree for the house yesterday and I honestly have crashed both nights (which was needed as my sleep has been appalling of late).

Anyway, I mentioned on Sunday that I was going to be attending my first Diabetes Clinic at my local hospital for the first time in Y E A R S. I know, I know, I should have continued to attend them, like most, if not all diabetics do, but... I had a rough time growing up, and I despised the consultant of the Diabetes Team for Paediatrics when I was a kid and young teen, so when I could, I just stopped going and eventually started doing all my check ups through my doctors surgery, of whom know my past, my history and why I have been like I have been. The reason I hated clinics at the hospital is because I was always made out to be a bad child by a family member, like I wasn't doing well looking after my diabetes myself and I was rebelling... and in a way, I was, because as a teen, I just wanted to be like everyone else. But this was when I was about 9 years old, when I wasn't fully looking after my own diabetes, and the consultant told me that if I carried on as I was, I would be dead by the time I was 18. What a great thing to say to a child! And it's always left its mark on me as well. Not only that, but when I lived with my Grandma, the doctor at the surgery there also tried to convince me to go to their Diabetes Clinic in that town and... I had strict orders from my Grandma that if it was under the same Consultant my Granddad was under, to just say no, because that guy nearly killed my Granddad by misdiagnosing bowel cancer as dementia. 

So you can see... I wasn't happy with these places.

But after being in hospital last October... and realising that the stress in my life was finally coming to an end, I knew I would have to attend a clinic eventually, to make sure that I can try to be healthier, in more control and all-in-all, live the best and longest life that I can. 

Honestly, I don't think I had enough time to explain everything to the Doctor. I would have loved double the amount of time to just explain everything but... they have other patients to see after all and I will attend again. The consultant seemed nice enough, but... I did get the talk of being in control to prevent problems and I already have retinopathy, kidney problems (not strictly diabetes related) and finally, neuropathy. It's the one talk I hate the most. Like, it sounds like I haven't tried over the years, and I really actually have tried... not as much as I am now, but that's because it is easier to try now because I don't have the majority of stress I used to have affecting my whole entire life. Like, I have diabetes, I know the problems, the issues, hell... a lot of my degree was about diabetes least of all my dissertation and masters project! I know all this... but... in all fairness, I think that was the only time I wanted to scream.

I did manage to cover the vast majority of changes and questions I needed to ask though. And thankfully my phone holding all my blood results was a God send, especially when the Diabetes Nurse took a look, and saw that day where I had way too many hypos as well as the fact in that week alone where I had about 9. The Doctor also noticed the massive amount of hypos I have been having, which thankfully led to a discussion about finally changing my night time, long acting basal insulin... which since hearing about Tresiba and Toujeo, I have wanted for ages. I haven't started on the new medication yet, but should hopefully be on it at the weekend at the earliest, or at least by the start of next week. This medication is much better than my Lantus insulin, which does not last the full 24 hours, but also has a high peak before dropping which can be the result of some of my night time hypo attacks. Toujeo lasts a bit longer so covers you for a whole day and means if needs be, can be injected a little later than whatever time I decide to pick to take it. I won't bore you with the Science of how it is better but I will do at a later date as I am always stupidly curious about these things. 

When I get this new medication, I am doing a straight swap between doses... it takes about three days to kick in so hypos may still occur in the beginning but if they continue, the dose can be reduced by ten percent. The insulin should also distribute around the body better so eventually, the peaks will become essentially a steady line once all settled. Once I get the insulin, I have to monitor everything for a week and send it to my nurse just in case the change doesn't work for me, however, this is the change that I really did need so we don't see how it won't work when I get it. 

The Doctor checked all my previous blood results, and stated my kidneys are not getting any better, which I partially knew... but I am unsure if he realises my kidney function has gone wrong ever since I had Gastroenteritis which led to the Polynephritis... this is what I mean when I say it was not ALL my diabetes. I was originally taken off my blood pressure tablets (I take these for my kidneys, not blood pressure) to help my kidneys get better, but I will be put back on them again to see if there is an improvement in about two weeks time. I hope so, I am still terrified I'll end up with a chronic kidney disease through no fault of my own other than kidneys are absolute wimps. 

I also bought a water filter finally yesterday (I have a big problem with the water here, its so harsh and has an odd after taste I tend to throw up if I drink too much of it). I've always preferred filtered water so getting this should hopefully mean I can drink more water without feeling sick and I hope that should help my kidneys too. But only time and a lot more blood tests will tell if that one works out as planned. Not like I don't have enough going on!!! I think I am being referred to a nephrology team at some point as well to keep an eye on my kidneys... so again, watch this space. 

I managed to mention, although only brief so I am not sure what will come of it, if I can have the medication I am on for my diabetic neuropathy changed. You may have seen me write about this before... and it's been bothering me for months now. Long story short, I was put on Duloxitine and had my anti-depressant sleeping tablet Mirtazapine, taken off me when I went into hospital, as Duloxitine is also an anti-depressant. Annoyingly, I started losing sleep straight away, and no longer was able to sleep for a solid six hours a night which has also badly influenced my mental health, as sleeping properly helps me function so much better in the world, even when things are tough. My mental health is everywhere nowadays, with some nights getting only 2-3 hours broken sleep, taking ages to get to sleep or just not sleeping properly at all. I mentioned to the Doctor that I wanted my old anti-depressant back and a different medication for neuropathy as not only is my sleep ruining, but I feel nausea worse than ever before, like travel sickness on the way home from work when I never had that before.

The Doctor said he was going to write to my Doctor about changing my prescription to have Candesartin back on script again, and he said he would mention about changing the Duloxitine, so fingers crossed in the next couple of days, I know what medication I will have instead. Worst comes to the worst, it's just going to be another trip to the doctors and some begging because I need my sleep back desperately. And I need my mental health back to a place I can manage and cope because I honestly cannot cope like this at the moment. 

(I also got a phone call this week in which I am going to have an appointment made for Counselling again with Occupational Health, so that be something too at least!)

The Diabetic Nurse mentioned that with the amount I blood test and as my bloods have been everywhere, that I may be eligible for a Libre in the future, which is something I do really really want for easier management of my blood sugar levels. This however, will involve carbohydrate counting... and this is where I honestly start to get a little panicked and overwhelmed (alas, I only realised this after the clinic...). Maybe I shouldn't keep reading all the diabetes blogs and groups but I do, I like reading and learning... but already the sheer thought of measuring carbs, equations, watching what I eat, medicating for every little thing I eat in some kind of ratio form, monitoring all physical activity (which yes, includes "night activities) ... I can feel one of my worst fears coming to life, which is simply, I don't want my life to be just about diabetes, I don't want it to control me and rule my life... but I have a feeling, to be the diabetic that I am meant to be, that is what is going to have to happen. Thank God I have counselling soon... even writing about it is setting me on edge. 

At least I was somewhat praised for lowering my HbA1c which is still my proudest achievement to date so I am so glad it was recognised. But they still want to lower it further, which is also understandable... so maybe all of these changes will help, but again, only time will tell. 

At least on a much happier note, the morning of the appointment on my way to work (I had literally no sleep because I was up all night panicking about the clinic), I caught a shiny Poochyena on Pokémon GO! I honestly felt I needed that kind of luck that morning, especially after the night I had and the anxiety floating through my veins. 

But alas... I'll have another clinic appointment in 4-6 months depending on my responses to Toujeo once I start taking it. And hopefully a nephrology one too. And add to the list I have a Diabetic Eye Screening appointment to rebook as well as a trip to see my Nurse and bloods in March and a potential Doctors trip to come up soon as well.

All in all, it's just what my new life is like now. 

And if I am honest, I am not in the right place to accept and enjoy it, but thankfully I don't have much choice so deal with it is just exactly what I will have to do, like I always do.

URGH.