[[0055]] Day 33 of Self Isolation

Oops, I missed a day. This is what I get for arting my ass off but OMG I have missed it!!! Oh and no idea what is going on in the world right now either. No fucks give, totally.

Day 33 (I can't believe I broke the chain at the one month mark!)

Okay, hey friends. 

I must apologise for not doing my day-to-day blog yesterday... I was arting till about 2:30am in the morning and I just did not have the energy to look at the screen any longer so figured I would do a two for one today instead.

Where to start... where to start...

I guess I'll start with the advent calendar doors, especially yesterdays because ho damn I am gonna use it so much! 

SO, yesterdays door was this cute deathly hallows necklace and I am honestly gonna wear the heck out of it. I am such a sucker for geeky jewellery so this pleases me on so many levels. Today's door 12 had the other half of the temp house tattoos which I now think I might blu tac to the office wall because I love the designs so much!!!

I noticed merchoid have pre-orders up for this years calendar and I am rather tempted to get it for myself for Christmas this year as I absolutely LOVE this one!!! Cannot wait to see what I get tomorrow!

TBH tomorrow is a better day already anyway, as I am only in the house all day on my own for four days and not five, as the other half managed to book an annual leave day for tomorrow so we can has long weekend together. No idea what we are gonna do, prob play games and drink energy drink, but I am totally cool with that!!! 

If I am honest, today and yesterday have kinda blurred into one as I have essentially done the same stuff today as yesterday, although today had some improvements by the wonderful form of LEGO! AHhhhh I love lego so much and I have been saying for ages that I wanted some lego to play with, so the other half picker me up some Harry Potter lego which was selling cheap at B&M yesterday and I made it this morning. It's also the scene from Goblet of Fire when Voldy comes back and it is honestly just the best thing. Might have to go back to B&M after this is all over or whilst it still has stock, and pick up some more when paid... cos seriously, geeky Lego is best Lego and just, I love Lego so much. Although now that I think about it, I didn't have cookies, a juice box or wear a onesie whilst I made it... I need to rectify this and get some more, obvs.

Besides that, all I have really been doing, bar finally putting our washing away this morning and putting fresh bedding on, is arting on the tablet. I love it, and can honestly just spend hours amusing and distracting myself on there while I use it. 

Here is what I made:

The top one I made for my friend Stu at work, and it's his fave Pokemon, Rillaboom. OMG I think 60 layers went into that beasty boy but it was worth it. The Espeon on did for day for my friend at work and Stu's wife, Nicola, who loves Espeon and it seemed only fair they both got one each! That piece is a little smaller hence quicker to do and although my background skills are still meh, I love it a lot... prob cos I had to look at a bunch of cat references to make sure I got the pose right haha

I am back to traditional art again tomorrow/Tuesday as I need to finish my friends Eeveelution commission which I have been putting off for ages. It'll be good for me to do though, so it reminds me of what I am capable of with traditional materials.

I have also been debating potentially doing little cheap digital commissions to help raise pennies to go towards the monthly pay back of the laptop, and it'll keep me busy and earning whilst I am home as well. I might think on this some more next week and see what happens.

Anyway, I am pooped and wanna play me some games cos I have kinda been neglecting games lately. Plus I have an adorable new animal coming to my Animal Crossing game, so I need to spend some more time shifting things about and so on... get that island up to 5 stars!

So, stay safe everyone, love you all!

Over and out, mes amigos.

[[0020]] Week 8 Overview - I'm still a piece of garbage

Ha... ha... ha. This weekly overview post is bought to you by Fortnite, proving to the world, inadvertently, that I am indeed, in fact, a piece of garbage! You're welcome!!!

Seriously though, I joke a lot that I am trash and my friends joke that they are also trash so all-in-all, we are all garbage, just Fortnite just had to take it to another level and prove it to everyone that when I joke that I am a piece of trash, I am, in fact, really trash lmao! If you check out our gaming shizzle on (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram), you can see the video proof of the piece of garbage that I am, as I get stuck in a dumpster on Fortnite and get slaughtered by some... brute things.

On a serious note, I don't think I am really a piece of garbage, but there are times when I honestly do feel like trash and I guess I joke about it because it gets ya through it or something? This week has three quarters been a bit of a garbage week, and even if now I only consider a quarter of the week to be less garbage, on the outside it looks like the week has been better but on the inside there are some icky gross thoughts and I'm still diabetically burnt out if that is a thing... so on with the diabetes part of the week I guess!!!

So as you can see, I have not posted a blood test chart again. This is because I am honestly embarrassed and annoyed at myself that I haven't blood tested as much as I should just because I have reached that annoying point I have reached so many times before, which is that I am afraid to see what the metre is going to show me. I am hoping, like last week, that next week is a better week for me but we shall see. I cannot predict the future after all. 

The one thing I can say is that I think I have found the right amount of Toujeo long acting insulin to do, which is 26 units. My bloods have been okay when I wake up in the morning, which is amazing... and also really conflictingly confusing because I wake up every morning with the worst dry mouth of my life. But I guess that might be my new neuro meds combined with being back on my old antidepressants, but who knows? (I certainly don't...)

I guess you are wondering why things have been so bad? Well, I guess its my bad for trying to get on with life with the new changes and thinking that that will be enough for not and then BOOM, I get more bad news to do with my health, and it shatters everything, ya know? Long story short, found out a week or two ago I had CKD (I speak about it in this post) and now I have serious damage to my eyes due to type 1 diabetes. If you haven't read my previous blog post about this, you can check it out over HERE! So yeah, if it is not one thing, then its another and it's making things very difficult for me at the moment. 

I think the only other bad things are the fact I had major anxiety at work over a bloody telephone (I've worked there long enough, I thought I would be over it by now) and that one of the jobs I do a lot is changing to include more work and I am a little bit worried that is going to stress me out and up my blood sugars again and I am not too sure I am mentally prepared for that... alas, we will deal with that in exactly 10 hours I guess, haha!!!

Alas, all things aside mental health and diabetic-burnout wise... I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do with it again. One thing I have decided, just not sure when I will do it (maybe after this blog post now I have reminded myself), is that I definitely do want to take the MA Creative Writing and Publishing degree at my local uni. I studied my BSc in Biomedical Science there as well as my integrated masters course MBio Biomedical Science and I honestly miss being in the learning environment and I also miss writing; I also want to complete one of my dreams in writing creatively and professionally before I am too sick to do so. It's morbid, I know... but, I want to do all of these things sooner rather than later. Yes, uni did stress me out a lot but... being in an academic environment helped my mental health a lot and I want to do every little thing I can to help my mental health and happiness. At this point, I have no idea if I will be able to do another Masters let alone if I can fund it (I guess GoFundMe is an option for that one just in case...) but... there is no harm in at least going to an open day... so maybe watch this space for some happier future times maybe? 

Something else I have been starting to realise of late is that I do want to eventually cut at least one more bank shift at work, maybe both. I don't know how I can do this, but going back to uni might be one way if I can get funding. But that won't be forever... and one thing I do know for certain, especially as neuropathy will eventually get worse and my legs pains get worse and we can't forget the kidney stuff too... I do want to earn some kind of pennies from doing some kind of work from home. So writing and my blog might help with that eventually but then we are gaming now too... and yes it is early days and we are a long long way away from earning anything decent from it, but it is the fact we have the basic equipment and we could eventually make something from doing something we love.

I've made some suggestions to the other half today which we have put in to motion! If you look above, we finally have a basic mock up for a logo! We are gonna change the colours and style each time the Fortnite Battle Pass changes, and this season, it's Spy themed so... here ya go! I also have been suggesting getting a twitter (I get way more interaction for gaming posts on Twitter then I do my own posts) as well as an Instagram and Facebook page (I linked these in the opening post, so please give them a look and follow!) so hopefully we can get a few more fans and followers over on mixer when we stream... and we will be one step closer! Next thing I am hoping we can do, is to pay for Mixer Pro, which should help with networking (thank you bestie Josh for that one!!!!) and last but not least... I am hoping that we can stream every time either or both of us turns on a console to game! I feel being super active might help but we shall see!!!

I got a new vape today by the way! I think I mentioned last week that I have decided to cut out drinking alcohol because the last couple of times that I have, I have ended up really sick which I think is due to my CKD. Next on my list is to try and quit smoking although this one I am going to find more difficult because it is my go to thing when I am not doing okay.

I have tried vaping before but they always make me cough worse than the CKD making me not breathe and the smoking... but the other half got a new vape that you can change the wattage on and turns out, that helped a lot!

I picked up this beast from 888 Vapour in my local town (also offers 20% discount for NHS workers too) and omg, I prefer it so much already! I can actually vape this how I actually smoke, the whole vape to lung instead of holding it in my mouth to cool and stuff, I can just vape it how I've needed to all along and omg, I feel so much better for it already. This one charges by USB C as well, which is a blood saviour cos they're the only cables I have, the battery is so much better as well as the battery life and I love that you can change the screen colour and see vape info and stuff as well. The kit I picked up is a brand I haven't used before, called Wismec R80 and we also got some V4 Nicotine Salt vape juice in melon ice, cherry ice and tropical mix. These are really high concentrations in nicotine which have genuinely helped people cut down... and at this point, I have a good feeling about this vape helping me. Let's see what the future holds!

LOOK GUYS I AM GETTING A BATH IN MY HOUSE OMG I HAVE WANTED A BATH FOR SO LONG, YOU HAVE NO IDEA I LOVE MY HOUSE AND I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE YEARS WITH JUST TWO SHOWERS AND JUST SOMETIMES YOU NEED A BATH AND LIKE I AM GETTING ONE AND MY DAD AND BROTHER ARE FITTING IT AND IT IS SO AWESOME AND EXCITING IT FEELS LIKE MY CHRISTMAS, BIRTHDAY AND HALLOWEEN ROLLED IN TO ONE HOLY CRAP!!!

Okay, so the left picture is after the tiles and wall were knocked down, lovingly known as the earthquake cos it kinda looks like an earthquake broke my bathroom and the brother. The builder who fitted the shower when we moved in was not good... didn't let the plaster dry, didn't use moisture board and long story short, I took a sit down shower and my shoulder went straight through the tiles... so, we needed a new one. BUT we are getting a bath and I am so happy I could cry. One of the main reasons I wanted one is that in a bath, I cannot feel the pain in my legs and the neuropathy in foot just disappears and it means for a solid half an hour, I can't feel anything in my right leg and it is the best feeling. The right is the work my dad and bro have done so far, and omg this time next week, I can have a bath and I cannot wait. My bath bomb from Lush is totally ready! We are planning on decorating as well... so we should be getting some nice grey lino for the floor and we have some nice blue bathmats that we will get some matching paint for... and honestly, I hope this inspires us to put some more love into our home and decorate it some more cos we be stuck here for a few more years yet until we can afford to buy (which I hope I can buy this one but who knows...)

And lastly... I have the greatest friends in the world. Josh and Bridie... thank you thank you thank you for always being there for me and restoring my faith in humanity and just being amazing. I love you guys and I cannot wait to see you in April (London and Wales trips in April are booked, and cannot wait!!!)

This weeks rating:⭐⭐⭐☆☆

Bye everyone!!!

[[0011]] Week 4 Overview

Happy Sunday evening everyone... and apologies for the muchas late weekly review post. It has been a day and a half and then some on the organising front... and even then, things aren't organised. Slightly better, but not organised. And somewhat more disorganised too, if that is even possible. 

But we will get on to that later. First things first, the weekly blood test results review... and... it's been bad. 

Since going to the Diabetic Clinic on Tuesday, I honestly have felt so damn burned out by the diabetes again, which I haven't felt like since before hospital, when I was stressed, had stress going on in my life, when everyday was stress and I had no time to think of the diabetes. 

Again, the clinic was great and I am glad I went, as there are some positive changes on the way, hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday, whenever my prescription gets updated and changed and I have new medication but... it's the age old chat of "you are too young for complications" along with, "yes, you have been stressed and stuff but complications..." and yes I damn well know all of this and I have known for absolutely YEARS and nothing will ever change the fact that I have lived the vast majority of my life with some kind of stress and anxiety and depression and so forth... and just, I get it. I get it and I just want some changes to be positive about, like, "well done on lowering the HbA1c into the nurses target range" and "well done for having the balls to remove toxic people and life stress from your life to get better" and heck, even "well done for trying to keep on top of things and trying to keep your bloods in range" and blah blah blah. 

Urgh... its a burn out week. It really is. I'm hoping with next week being a new week, things are going to be a little bit better but, I honestly can never tell. The fact I can feel that the diabetes control is slowly starting to major control my life is starting and continuing to eat away at me and I hate it. Its becoming an obsession, and I hate that it is, because I just want to deal with it and get on with my life as normally as possible but it honestly doesn't feel like I can do that right now... not with the carb counting dietitian appointment coming up. Like I know how to carb count, I've read how too... but it seems to consume every little thing you do when you eat and I hate that... I get why, I get why it's fantastic... I just hate it because we all know eating is vital to staying alive but it shouldn't make me feel like it is taking over... and it is. I hate it so much. This is one of the reasons I rebelled so much as a kid... that and being in secondary school with T1D is bloody hard anyway when peer pressure is everywhere and you get picked on for being diabetic amongst other things. Oh well, at least I know, after following some diabetes groups on Facebook, that I am not the only one who has so many problems.

However, I have been preparing for my trip to London, which I feel like I may actually need at this point because I don't think I've had a mini break since June last year, so it's long overdue and might just give me a chance to relax, de-stress and for once, enjoy myself in the city I love. 

I've also been preparing my next blog post for you all, which I am hoping will be like a show and tell kind of thing. The picture to the left is a little bag I found whilst packing my stuff for London, and I've decided to use it for all my diabetes kit and stuff. I've never done something like this before, and tend to let things hang loose in the bottom/front pocket of my bag, but I've been seeing people doing similar so it seemed a great thing to do, and something my mental health doesn't seem to mind doing because it appeals to my sense of organisation. Plus, geeky is best haha, would you expect anything less from me? Eitherway, the other half is gonna grab some dextros tablets and what not to put in the pouch tomorrow and then it will be ready for show and tell on Tuesday, so be ready to check out post 0012! I am actually quite excited about it!!

Speaking of packing... it is what I have spent most of today doing... as well as washing up a lot of clothes because my wonderful cats are absolute dicks... and decided at some point over the last week or so, to make my life hell. Not that I didn't have a lot of washing to do or ought, but I knew what I wanted to take to London with me and for once I intended on packing early so that I wasn't rushing the night before (we will be streaming Tuesday night before we go so the more prepared the better yo!). 

Alas, I entered the bathroom on Saturday... realised a lot of the dirty clothes in there were a bit damp... and then the smell hit me. The cats had decided to protest the old litter tray and their hate of it and decided to pee on the clothes... (I think Pom Pom did most of the peeing mind you, I'll post a picture of her in another post)... but then I found some cat poop hidden neatly under some clothes and I knew exactly who had done that one. Pictured above is my beautiful shit bag of cat, who has pooped in my bedroom before and covered it with my shorts... which is kind of sweet because she is a clean kitty but OMG WHY POOP AND PEE IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOUR LITTER TRAY IS LESS THAN TO METRES AWAY? Seriously, I love my baby snuggle butt, but I do question her life choices at the best of times. Needless to say though, both kitties now have a new litter tray, with litter liners and freshener and a cute cat paw print mat and they seem to be loving their new toilet as there have been no more accidents.

However, it has not changed the fact I am now uber behind of clothes washing to the point I have had to set up two airers, as well as hanging washing off shower doors and radiators and trying to dry stuff in the tumble dryer (which is actually drying slower than the radiators... BLEH!) I mean, I have nearly finished packing, bar two pairs of jeans and a t-shirt which I am waiting to dry/finish washing and then obvs, my back pack for travelling but... at least I am getting there? It's pretty much the only thing in my life right now that is actually organised haha

I am looking forward to London though... I get to see friends I don't get to see often (missed you Misa and Meg and Brum/Manchester crew ❤️) but I also get to see an amazing band I absolutely love, buy more band merch for the band merch/music room but also planning on going to the Natural History Museum, which was one of my all time favourite places as a kid!!! Our friends who live near us, Sarah and Mike, are also coming to see Dir en Grey for the first time and I am actually so bloody excited for them too eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Speaking of music... guess who got tickets to see My Chemical Romance in June for a certain someones birthday? I did!!! The other halfs family helped towards them seen as he's always wanted to see MCR, and tbh I am quite excited. My diabetes on the other hand, went absolutely mental during and after buying tickets because of the anxiety of the queue and then the fact I actually managed to get them. Needless to say, this year is a fantastic year for seeing music, and I have been saying for ages that I wanted to enjoy life a bit more now I am not as stressed and bogged down with things. So roll on Dir en Grey on Wednesday, then MUCC and Skindred for my birthday and finally MCR in June! Now to pray Versailles, Jupiter or Kamijo announce for this year... would be pretty perfect! 

But I should probably bring this back round to diabetes... as per usual. I'm not sure, but I think my neuropathy might be getting worse, or the medication just is not working (because I know for a fact it is not working as an anti-depressant). Today, after all the walking I did yesterday, alongside the super manual job I did at work on Friday alongside hunting through the house and climbing over things today, the pins and needles in my bad foot has intensified again to the point that I am finally feeling the pain everyone goes on about. I am a bit concerned and  don't really know what to do because its a nerve problem so normal over the counter pain killers do absolutely nothing. I'm hoping it gets better before London, and might have to beg the fiance for a foot rub when he's filling less sick... so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope I get some new medication for neuropathy this week.

I also think I may have figured out a way to sleep better without the aid of my old anti-depressant, Mirtazapine. I've actually been getting to sleep easier since Wednesday when I bought the new thermal 15tog duvet (we have a freezing house omg)... and I have been dropping off a lot easier. I've been reading for a while about those weighted blankets and I know its not the same but... this duvet is heavier and I think I might actually need something weighted to help me sleep better. Maybe, if I ever make some pennies off this blog, I could put them towards one of those heavy blankets? Would be awesome!!!

Anyway... that be enough rambling for one week, plus I need some damn good rest before work tomorrow as I am on the super manual job again as well as training someone on the lead role. So... be back on Tuesday guys, and thank you for sticking around!

[[0010]] Diabetes Clinic (the first of many...)

I was going to post about the diabetes clinic sooner, but I ended up pulling a 11.5hr shift on Tuesday to help out alongside a mass shopping spree for the house yesterday and I honestly have crashed both nights (which was needed as my sleep has been appalling of late).

Anyway, I mentioned on Sunday that I was going to be attending my first Diabetes Clinic at my local hospital for the first time in Y E A R S. I know, I know, I should have continued to attend them, like most, if not all diabetics do, but... I had a rough time growing up, and I despised the consultant of the Diabetes Team for Paediatrics when I was a kid and young teen, so when I could, I just stopped going and eventually started doing all my check ups through my doctors surgery, of whom know my past, my history and why I have been like I have been. The reason I hated clinics at the hospital is because I was always made out to be a bad child by a family member, like I wasn't doing well looking after my diabetes myself and I was rebelling... and in a way, I was, because as a teen, I just wanted to be like everyone else. But this was when I was about 9 years old, when I wasn't fully looking after my own diabetes, and the consultant told me that if I carried on as I was, I would be dead by the time I was 18. What a great thing to say to a child! And it's always left its mark on me as well. Not only that, but when I lived with my Grandma, the doctor at the surgery there also tried to convince me to go to their Diabetes Clinic in that town and... I had strict orders from my Grandma that if it was under the same Consultant my Granddad was under, to just say no, because that guy nearly killed my Granddad by misdiagnosing bowel cancer as dementia. 

So you can see... I wasn't happy with these places.

But after being in hospital last October... and realising that the stress in my life was finally coming to an end, I knew I would have to attend a clinic eventually, to make sure that I can try to be healthier, in more control and all-in-all, live the best and longest life that I can. 

Honestly, I don't think I had enough time to explain everything to the Doctor. I would have loved double the amount of time to just explain everything but... they have other patients to see after all and I will attend again. The consultant seemed nice enough, but... I did get the talk of being in control to prevent problems and I already have retinopathy, kidney problems (not strictly diabetes related) and finally, neuropathy. It's the one talk I hate the most. Like, it sounds like I haven't tried over the years, and I really actually have tried... not as much as I am now, but that's because it is easier to try now because I don't have the majority of stress I used to have affecting my whole entire life. Like, I have diabetes, I know the problems, the issues, hell... a lot of my degree was about diabetes least of all my dissertation and masters project! I know all this... but... in all fairness, I think that was the only time I wanted to scream.

I did manage to cover the vast majority of changes and questions I needed to ask though. And thankfully my phone holding all my blood results was a God send, especially when the Diabetes Nurse took a look, and saw that day where I had way too many hypos as well as the fact in that week alone where I had about 9. The Doctor also noticed the massive amount of hypos I have been having, which thankfully led to a discussion about finally changing my night time, long acting basal insulin... which since hearing about Tresiba and Toujeo, I have wanted for ages. I haven't started on the new medication yet, but should hopefully be on it at the weekend at the earliest, or at least by the start of next week. This medication is much better than my Lantus insulin, which does not last the full 24 hours, but also has a high peak before dropping which can be the result of some of my night time hypo attacks. Toujeo lasts a bit longer so covers you for a whole day and means if needs be, can be injected a little later than whatever time I decide to pick to take it. I won't bore you with the Science of how it is better but I will do at a later date as I am always stupidly curious about these things. 

When I get this new medication, I am doing a straight swap between doses... it takes about three days to kick in so hypos may still occur in the beginning but if they continue, the dose can be reduced by ten percent. The insulin should also distribute around the body better so eventually, the peaks will become essentially a steady line once all settled. Once I get the insulin, I have to monitor everything for a week and send it to my nurse just in case the change doesn't work for me, however, this is the change that I really did need so we don't see how it won't work when I get it. 

The Doctor checked all my previous blood results, and stated my kidneys are not getting any better, which I partially knew... but I am unsure if he realises my kidney function has gone wrong ever since I had Gastroenteritis which led to the Polynephritis... this is what I mean when I say it was not ALL my diabetes. I was originally taken off my blood pressure tablets (I take these for my kidneys, not blood pressure) to help my kidneys get better, but I will be put back on them again to see if there is an improvement in about two weeks time. I hope so, I am still terrified I'll end up with a chronic kidney disease through no fault of my own other than kidneys are absolute wimps. 

I also bought a water filter finally yesterday (I have a big problem with the water here, its so harsh and has an odd after taste I tend to throw up if I drink too much of it). I've always preferred filtered water so getting this should hopefully mean I can drink more water without feeling sick and I hope that should help my kidneys too. But only time and a lot more blood tests will tell if that one works out as planned. Not like I don't have enough going on!!! I think I am being referred to a nephrology team at some point as well to keep an eye on my kidneys... so again, watch this space. 

I managed to mention, although only brief so I am not sure what will come of it, if I can have the medication I am on for my diabetic neuropathy changed. You may have seen me write about this before... and it's been bothering me for months now. Long story short, I was put on Duloxitine and had my anti-depressant sleeping tablet Mirtazapine, taken off me when I went into hospital, as Duloxitine is also an anti-depressant. Annoyingly, I started losing sleep straight away, and no longer was able to sleep for a solid six hours a night which has also badly influenced my mental health, as sleeping properly helps me function so much better in the world, even when things are tough. My mental health is everywhere nowadays, with some nights getting only 2-3 hours broken sleep, taking ages to get to sleep or just not sleeping properly at all. I mentioned to the Doctor that I wanted my old anti-depressant back and a different medication for neuropathy as not only is my sleep ruining, but I feel nausea worse than ever before, like travel sickness on the way home from work when I never had that before.

The Doctor said he was going to write to my Doctor about changing my prescription to have Candesartin back on script again, and he said he would mention about changing the Duloxitine, so fingers crossed in the next couple of days, I know what medication I will have instead. Worst comes to the worst, it's just going to be another trip to the doctors and some begging because I need my sleep back desperately. And I need my mental health back to a place I can manage and cope because I honestly cannot cope like this at the moment. 

(I also got a phone call this week in which I am going to have an appointment made for Counselling again with Occupational Health, so that be something too at least!)

The Diabetic Nurse mentioned that with the amount I blood test and as my bloods have been everywhere, that I may be eligible for a Libre in the future, which is something I do really really want for easier management of my blood sugar levels. This however, will involve carbohydrate counting... and this is where I honestly start to get a little panicked and overwhelmed (alas, I only realised this after the clinic...). Maybe I shouldn't keep reading all the diabetes blogs and groups but I do, I like reading and learning... but already the sheer thought of measuring carbs, equations, watching what I eat, medicating for every little thing I eat in some kind of ratio form, monitoring all physical activity (which yes, includes "night activities) ... I can feel one of my worst fears coming to life, which is simply, I don't want my life to be just about diabetes, I don't want it to control me and rule my life... but I have a feeling, to be the diabetic that I am meant to be, that is what is going to have to happen. Thank God I have counselling soon... even writing about it is setting me on edge. 

At least I was somewhat praised for lowering my HbA1c which is still my proudest achievement to date so I am so glad it was recognised. But they still want to lower it further, which is also understandable... so maybe all of these changes will help, but again, only time will tell. 

At least on a much happier note, the morning of the appointment on my way to work (I had literally no sleep because I was up all night panicking about the clinic), I caught a shiny Poochyena on Pokémon GO! I honestly felt I needed that kind of luck that morning, especially after the night I had and the anxiety floating through my veins. 

But alas... I'll have another clinic appointment in 4-6 months depending on my responses to Toujeo once I start taking it. And hopefully a nephrology one too. And add to the list I have a Diabetic Eye Screening appointment to rebook as well as a trip to see my Nurse and bloods in March and a potential Doctors trip to come up soon as well.

All in all, it's just what my new life is like now. 

And if I am honest, I am not in the right place to accept and enjoy it, but thankfully I don't have much choice so deal with it is just exactly what I will have to do, like I always do.

URGH. 

[[0009]] Week 3 Overview

Well, I can safely say this week has been a lot kinder, thank goodness!!!

This weeks blood results chart.

I shall start with the weekly blood tests first, get the nitty gritty of the diabetes part out the way to explain the rest of the week!

The one big thing that I notice here is... WAY LESS HYPOS HALLELUJAH! There have been a couple but they have been a little simpler to deal with. And luckily for most of them, I had something at home for them (except last nights, where I had to resort to golden syrup on a spoon and some not so tasty out of fate mini marshmallows😫).

Week 2 was rife with hypos, but I received some tips from a diabetes group on FB about drinking something like milk before bed to help stop sugars dropping in the night, alas, only had hypo drink so I had a couple of sips of that and it helped with a couple of night time hypos (as you can see, I hypoed last night as nothing sugary for me to have before bed!!!). It's actually pay day tomorrow so I am planning on buying some milkshake powder and milk and plan on having either warm milk before bed or a milkshake, and hopefully that will help me stop having night hypos, so watch this space!

I have had a few more hi results but, these don't alarm me too much because the amount of his I am having nowadays is a lot less than last year, which is a massive relief. This means I am getting some kind of diabetic control back in my life. Its ridiculous as I have had the condition for 27 years and cannot remember a day without it but yet it has taken me all this time to get some kind of good results. Better late than never is what I keep telling myself, but... some damage has already been done, sadly. 

Me and my lil mini me.

All in all, it has actually been a pretty okay week. I got to spend a lot of time with my youngest sister Lola and her dad this weekend which has been absolutely lovely and has brought sooooo many smiles to my face! They recently moved to their new home which I am so honestly thrilled about, and I got the joy of making up some of their furniture (which is one of my super secret loves haha, give me flat pack any day friends!!!). It's just so amazing to see two lovely people so happy and just, omg, my face hurts from smiling so much. Plus OMGOSH Lola has some AMAZING toys that I so wish they made when I was younger, like this super cute modern little kids kitchen, which is all smart and silver and black and just WOW, love it! 

Honestly, my little sister Lola-Lollipop means the absolute WORLD to me. She asks questions about me having diabetes and I love explaining it all to her. This weekend I was telling her about all the cool food I can eat that I don't have to medicate for, as her dad bought us Peperamis to snack on and I learnt this week at work that they have no carbs in therefore, new snack I don't have to med for! SO AWESOME! Not only that, but, I love how smart and clever Lola is, and she honestly reminds me of me when I was a kid... heck, she even looks like I did when I was little which is so creepy scary cos we may have the same mom, but different dads! Love her so so so much and I am so so so so happy I got to spend the weekend helping her and her dad in there lovely and beautiful new home. It's so good to see her happy and smiling, and knowing she is happy and smiling makes me feel so super happy too 💓💛💚💙💜

Fortnite streaming shenanigans.

In other news, streaming is getting better and better! I had some salary sacrifice left over from work, so decided to use it to get me and Jakey McBooty a capture card for streaming and OMG it makes such a difference to our streams and I absolutely love it! We still aren't the most professional, but we are having so much fun with everything related to it and its helping me come closer to doing one of my three dreams, which is streaming Pokémon games! (And maybe Animal Crossing and Final Fantasy too!!!) I don't know when I am going to start streaming from my own channel as of yet as need to set up things with stream labs and work out streaming and audio from my switch but needless to say, this capture card is an absolute game changer and a half!!! Also got to stream with my lovely friend Pete and his daughter as well (who I have been informed is pretty damn good on Fortnite) and my brother hopped on as well... so much fun! Roll on future streaming days! 

We've been planning some illustrations as well as future things to stream as well, one being a couple night on Valentine's day with a lovely take out and drinks and potentially trying out Minecraft for the first time! Honestly, everything is so super exciting right now, I'm so happy!

Super Insulin Pen, the Super Hero of
Team Super Insulin.

Also this week, well, today actually, I applied to be a social media ambassador for my favourite charity, JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund). You'll see me talk about them quite a bit if I am honest, I love the work they do (and one of the taglines in the application thanks was "help make type one, type none!"and I love it. We fundraised for them for their Game2Give campaign last year in which we raised £200 for the charity, and we should be at least be doing that twice more this year as well (it's going to be awesome now we have a better streaming set up!!!). But no, it's something I have thought about doing for a while, what with writing this blog now, along with the fundraising in the past (altogether we've raised about £320ish altogether) and then my dissertation in which I made kid friendly leaflets explaining what T1D is and so on... using social media to help promote awareness for T1D research and finding a cure is something I just had to do. Which leads on to my second dream in which I would love to work more for Type 1 Diabetes, whether it remains social media and writing, to fundraising, talking to people and educating and so on... its something I need to do. Plus, once my health and medication is sorted out, I may look into becoming a community support ambassador for JDRF, attending events and liaising with others, raising more awareness and so forth. I'm so so happy I took this leap and I look forward to writing about future developments, and who knows, I might be able to get my diabetes illustrations to a bigger audience in the future! 

Bob and Betty,
the insulin producing
Beta cells of the pancreas.

My one last dream is to write a book of my life, or a screenplay, called "Ordinary World?"... maybe I will apply for that masters in creative writing and publishing... one step at a time though, I don't want to overwhelm myself!!!

So, next week doesn't look too bad... although I have my first ever appointment with the diabetes team at my local hospital on Tuesday which I am a little bit terrified about. I have not seen a diabetes team there in YEARS, for the sheer fact I hated going, hated how I was spoke to as a kid and just... I don't even know, I hated going. I have accepted it now though and for the sake of my future and mine and Jake's future, I do need to go. But I have so much I need to tell the doctor about... and not only that, this doctor doesn't know me like my nurses at my surgery do, he doesn't know my history and why my diabetes has been a trash show all these years... so for the love of all that is holy, I hope they understand because I don't want to be terrified of going again. I also know that I'll be doing one of my old favourite jobs on Friday at work, but I haven't done it since I went in to hospital last year, and I currently don't know how my foot or my nausea will cope with it... so... long story short, next week will either be absolutely fantastic, or horrible as hell.

As always, watch this space! And thank you to my new followers and for those who have read my blog! I noticed my more informative post about cold and diabetes has done really well, so I think I am going to try and do another informative post this week, maybe even explain how T1D happens with my old trusty illustrations!!!

Laters lovely people 💙 And thank you so much for sticking by me too.

[[0006]] A not-so-good day in the life of a diabetic

So, I should have posted on Wednesday, but honestly? Things have been an absolute mess on the diabetes scale of things so, now I am somewhat recovered (and waiting for a Jakey to get back from work), I figured it was a good time to write about a bad day in the life of being a type 1 diabetic. 

So, you may have seen my post on Monday about Hypo Hangovers after I had a hypo before work and then my bloods rocketed after. Well... let's just say that things got worse. 

I was very tired when I returned home, so had dinner and did my night time bloods and Lantus insulin (which as of about a week or so ago, I had lowered to 24 because I kept getting hypos in the morning). This was a good four hours after I had eaten so everything that happened after was definitely the result of the Lantus long acting insulin and not the one I do before my food. It got to 10pm when I ded my bloods, they were 6.4mmol/L so to be on the safe side, I drank some of my sugary drink and went up to bed to play on my switch till I fell asleep.

I didn't fall asleep though. Frustratingly, my mouth started to taste weirdly metallic and my lips and tongue felt funny, so I came to check my bloods... they were 3.1mmol/L! The sugar did nothing!!! I downed as much sugar as I could and my bloods eventually rose to 4.5mmol/L which seemed safe enough to go to bed and I got a small amount of sleep. My other half had to wake me up to check my bloods again, and they had reached 10.1mmol/L, a but high, but not too bad so I tried to sleep, but around 4.30am, I started stirring and tossing and turning and even after a wee (which normally solves the problem) I still couldn't settle. My alarm for work went off... and, my blood sugar was 2.9mmol/L.

I'm actually super lucky I work in a hospital with an amazing management team of whom I get on very well with, and I also think it helps that I have always been blunt and honest about my health to them. Jake had pre-warned them the night before that I had essentially had a two hour long hypo and we were struggling to get bloods up and stable. It had been discussed a while ago after another hypo incident on my way to work, that if I ever hypoed in the morning, to not come to work, which I did not do on Monday but on this Tuesday, I honestly had absolutely no choice. I couldn't go in and more so, since the Friday before... I had had about 5 hypos, maybe 6 (as I didn't blood test one of them). Again, I am lucky my management team at work are so understanding and respectful to me and my health condition, as they also allowed the other half to have the day off with me as well, so that he could keep an eye on any more hypos I may have (I am not the most logical whilst having a hypo) but to also make sure we could both tackle my food and meds and document everything throughout the day as we tried to get me back to some kind of normal. 

Honestly, I hate taking time off for my diabetes. I really do. I am meant to have this thing under control and stable and I honestly, just don't. It's always been a struggle. There have been many times I have hypoed before or during work and I have still gone to work or stayed at work... if I think about it, the only way I won't go to work if a hypo happens is when I have had little to no sleep, but... even then I don't listen to what is best for myself.

I know that Jake was very worried about me and its understandable, we haven't actually dealt with this amount of hypos together before and I know it can be scary, especially the beginning on Monday night when we couldn't get them up over that two hours. He did really well though and it makes me realise that I genuinely need him around as much as possible, even if it;'s just to check and make sure I am okay. It's made me think as well, if he wasn't around, how would I cope if I was living on my own? What would I do? Who would I turn to? And that actually terrifies me too. I don't think I could survive on my own anymore. 

Because Jake (and myself) were worried about me being on my own on my Wednesday day off, Jake asked my brother to come up and stay with me for the day, which was so lovely, I think he might come on some more Wednesday's I have off!!!  

He made the most amazing breakfast I had ever eaten, which was chocolate and salted caramel stuffed french toast and omg, it was heavenly. I misjudged my meds and didn't take enough but, it just felt good to not have to worry about having a hypo that whole entire day and thankfully, I didn't have one. Either way, my brother is an amazing cook so I'm def excited to see what other things he will make when he comes to visit!!!

I also struggle a lot when Jake is at work and I am home on my own, not health wise, but mentally, I think? Like, the house is too quiet, I don't know what to do, who to speak to or anything and I end up feeling weirdly lost and alone. SO having my brother over on the Wednesday was awesome, because it made the day go so much faster and meant Jake would be home sooner, even though he was coming back at the same normal time, it just felt quicker than last Wednesday which was a horrible, horrible Wednesday for me (which I think I mentioned in this post).

So after a good day... things kind of went down hill that night. I don't know what happened, I don't know why any of it happened... but I just did not sleep. I felt tired, I was exhausted, but I just couldn't settle down. I managed about 20minutes of sleep before Jake came up to bed, and after that, I slept on and off in ten minute bursts, but spent most the night awake. I had another hypo at 3am as well, which I made some toast and drank some sugar water to fix, but then I just lay in bed, wide awake and the mental health kicked in.

It was horrible, so so horrible. I haven't had issues with any kind of bad thoughts for a while but a mix of no sleep and hypo just made my brain churn out the worst possible things it could. Things had been somewhat okay on my new anti-depressant (a future blog post by the way, keep an eye out!) but I had been doubting them as an anti-depressant for a while, more so as they don't knock me out like my old meds used to and sleep helps my mental health a lot. SO lying there on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, with horrible things running through my head, did not help me with the rest of my day. Don't threat though, been speaking to amazing people at work and I should be back at counselling again soon, so watch this space. I also have a meeting with the diabetes team in just over a week and I will be begging for a medication change.

Because I could not sleep at all, I decided to just go to work because no point lying around and I already had one day off that week, I didn't want to lose another bank shift! I managed to survive until 4pm when I started having another hypo, so I was allowed to leave work. I got home, had dinner then went straight to bed and honestly, I needed that sleep as I felt a bit better today.

Touch wood, I have not had a hypo today and my blood sugar was good this morning, at 6.5mmol/L. 

It's given me a lot of questions and things to think about though. According to people I have spoken to online, I am having way too many hypos so I could be in the running for a constant glucose monitor, which I am actually interested in, alas I am unsure if I can get one. I also strongly believe that I need to come off Lantus as my long acting insulin, and be put on something called Tresiba, which my dietician told me about... supposedly less night time hypos so I'm praying I have enough evidence for my new consultant on the 28th January. I've also been given some pointers I am going to try when we have a bit more money, such as drinking a glass of milk before bed, to see if that stops me having a hypo in the morning.

Either way, I am praying that the worry is over for now and I can just enjoy my weekend, hypo free!!! I need a break dammit!!!

[[0004]] Week 1 Overview

Hello everyone! I've reached 150 pageviews, so thank you! I only hope from here out on out, the blog continues to grow and hopefully help teach people and support others too. I've decided that on each Sunday, to help encourage me with my diabetic control, that I will post an overview of the week, so in that I can see any trends and good days as well as any bad days and places that I need to improve.

1) Me and Jake before our first live stream of the year!

So to kick things off, what have I been up to? So, as well as starting a blog about type 1 diabetes, another New Years resolution that myself and my fiance had was to start live streaming a little more. This was because of the 24 hour event we did last year to raise money for one of my favourite charities, JDRF in which we raised just over £200 to go towards research into finding a cure for type 1 diabetes. We enjoyed the stream so much, and its also a dream of Jake's, that we wanted to start streaming more... so as of this Saturday, we will now be found on mixer (Queen and McBooty) every Saturday and once a fortnight (starting Tuesday 14th January) and we hope to keep this up throughout the year! We will also be participating in further 24 hour fundraisers for JDRF in the future, so keep a look out for us! And feel free to pop us a follow on mixer too~

2) Cuddles with my baby princess. Actual cuddles!

Since being taken into hospital last year and realising some big changes needed to occur in my life, I began taking a Wednesday off work. This is mainly to recuperate after two full days in a row at work, allowing me to rest up my foot before going back to work for Thursdays and Fridays. 

Don't get me wrong, I miss working full time, but this was for the best for me, and I am not losing out too too much now that Jake works full time too. I tried to work three days in a row last year and I was absolutely exhausted and in a lot of pain... so never again from here on out. 

So what did I do with my day? Spent most the morning with my two cats, Pom Pom and Magnus, in bed, as I was told by the other half to actually have a rest day and not touch any cleaning or tidying until the weekend haha! I won't lie, I had an amazing and chilled Wednesday morning, because Magnus came to sit on my chest (which she used to do a lot as a kitten to keep warm, but not so much anymore) and then she slipped to a small gap between my arm and side, and placed a paw over me like a proper cuddle and honestly, I had the most amazing nap like this, it was bloody wonderful! 

I have been struggling a lot emotionally this week, a lot has suddenly changed which is funny because I knew the changes were coming but they still hit me like a brick. I actually used to be really independent, and then I met Jake and realised I didn't need to be as much as a hard ass as I was before (trust me, there were damn good reasons as to why I was such an independent hard ass, but that is a story for another day). I may have got too used to having him around all the time, making me food and looking after me and so on, as this was the week he finally went on to his night shifts and even that they start three hours after my own shifts, that equates to an extra four hours of being home on my own, and then a whole day with my Wednesdays off too. It's sad, but I miss having someone to travel to work with and have lunch with then travel home and have dinner with, but I'm sure I will adjust in time... hopefully. Or pray he gets a day shift like me, I can live in hope!

Wednesday again was a weird one. I ended up needing to go to the shop, but couldn't find jeans to wear and cried about that and went back to bed to wake up to a massive hypo. So, I tried to wear Jake's jeans but I'm a lil too big in the butt for them to do up, so had a cry about that. I then cried because I stubbed my toe, and because Spotify came out of my account when it shouldn't have, and when I couldn't find socks and then because the house was too quiet and all in all, Wednesday morning was great but the rest was just utter stress. I got through it though. I just hope the next Wednesday off is better... I know the emotions and crying was because of the hypo... but oh God, I felt so stupid.

3) Bar graph of the weeks blood
test results.

SO, blood results and stats for this week! Because yes, I might not be in a Science role at the moment, but you can't take the Science of the ex-Masters biosciences student so graphs and stats can be sadly and oddly satisfying!

Both graphs display the same results, but I know for some people, one is easier to read that the other, so take a peak at whichever you like! (Personally, I prefer the bar graph because pretty colours but the line graph is much easier to read and see the changes in blood sugar results).

These results are dated from the 6th to the 12th January, and looking at the results, they are interesting.

I still haven't been able to stabilise my blood sugar results, which still infuriates me (and sometimes, makes me just want to give up with even trying).

4) Line graph of the weeks blood
test results.

I have technically had six hypos this week, although only five are shown on the graph. This is because when I took one of the results, the one that said 4.0, I ended up having a hypo on the bus home so had to quickly sort it out when I got off at the bus station, thank goodness for the local coop that is there! 

You'll also notice that towards the end of the week, I ended up having three hypos in the space of about 36 hours. I don't think I have mentioned this yet, but, I either have one hypo or three in a short space of time, no more, no less haha and I have honestly just got used to it! These hypos started just after midnight on Friday night, I was very tired so I think I went to bed early, woke up having a hypo, then woke up in the morning having another one. I was then fine for the rest of the day, then had one this Sunday morning when I woke up! Thankfully, we knew I would end up with a third so we managed to pick up some hypo drink and snacks yesterday so it was easy to sort out... the two hypos previous? Not so much... that ended up being a result of scraping together the last of the Christmas sweets and chocolate, two thirds of a pack of biscuits and Pepsi Max with sugar mixed in to it... it worked... but definitely not my ideal way of fixing my hypos.

Good news for next week however is that thanks to my Dad, we went food shopping today so managed to stock up on big bottles of sugary energy drink and a couple of other bits, so we should be okay for the next two weeks until our big payday! 

5) Weekly blood result stats

I guess I kind of did my own little science experiment with myself this week as well. On Thursday night, I left my insulin pen at work, which meant I couldn't have any dinner when I got back from work as no medication to counteract those carbohydrates, noooo! This was the day my blood sugar was 4.0mmol/L after I finished prepping a massive clinic at work. I could feel my lips going a bit tingly and my concentration draining, so I had a hypo drink and left to go home then realised I didn't have my insulin with me and I was absolutely famished! So began the hunt for finding food I could eat that I did not need to medicate for. 

When I was in hospital, I learnt that there are some foods and snacks that I don't need to do insulin for as they have no carbs or sugar in them and until then, I honestly had no idea about any of this at all! One of these things is cheese... absolutely no carbs so I can eat as much as I like and not need to do a drop of insulin and because I absolutely LOVE cheese, I could not have been more happy about this. But finding something cheap was going to be a lot harder. There was nothing in the shop near the bus station so I checked the one nearer to my house, and there they had these amazing mini sweet chilli peppers stuffed with cream cheese and when I got home, I devoured the heck out of them. My body was so ready. When Jake got back from work, I did another blood test and the result was still really good, 4.9mmol/L! That was because of the energy drink I'd had at work to stop my hypo and nothing to do with my peppers and cheese... so now I try to make sure I have more cheese and vegetable snacks so I don't have to med before I eat (which helps me feel a little bit more normal, which is nice in my not so ordinary little world). I've decided when our finances are a little better, I am going to do a kind of insulin fast in a way, where I will be able to check if my night time basal dose of Lantus insulin is correct, by only eating foods I don't need to medicate for (this includes meat as well as cheese, eggs, small bags of crisps and vegetables).

And finally, the overall blood stats for the week. I'd say to not pay attention to the average of 10.1mmol/L as this is a culmination of all the results, so does not take into account the blood sugar results when I have not tested. I am going to try to do more results next week as well as begin to count the amount of carbohydrates in my foods before medication, although I already know it may take me a little longer to adjust to doing that one. Overall, I am pleased with my evening blood results more so than my lunch time ones at work as for some reason, they always seem to run a little higher so I know I need to look into that further... but all in all, that is it for this week! And thank you all again for reading and sticking by me throughout this all! 

 

[[0001]] Welcome to the new blog~

Well, here it goes. Welcome to the blog everyone! 

So, as a New Years resolution to myself, I decided that once I had a laptop sorted out, I would attempt to make a new blog as a result of a tumultuous year with my health and type 1 diabetes. If you've stumbled upon it, welcome and enjoy this brief introduction to whatever this "(not so) Ordinary World" of mine is!!

New Years with the fiance.

I guess a little introduction may be needed. 

So, I'm Keita, more commonly floating around the internet and games as QueenofGyarados (or Queenie, take your pick) and I've had type 1 diabetes since I was 3 years old, so make that 27 years mes amigos. I also have diabetic retinopathy as a result of the condition and more recently, I have been diagnosed with peripheral diabetic neuropathy in my right foot. Don't forget the mental health conditions, they're hiding in there as well. It's all fun and games, seriously.

I have cats, got one of those things called a job, have a fiance , saving for a house and honestly, I try to lead the most boring life that I possibly can haha... HOWEVER, boring is not always possible, and with this being me, stress likes to hunt me down and find me. That being said, a little stress doesn't hurt but in my case, it actually has. A lot.

So, why have I made this blog? 

Simple really... I went into hospital in the middle of October 2019, after a massive attack of gastroenteritis. That was already two weeks off work, and upon returning, a trip to A&E was needed due to having dealt with constant pins-and-needle like feelings in my right foot which arose after I took a nap when I was sick. The A&E trip ended up in a ten day hospital stay, in which not only was I eventually diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in my right foot, but also that my kidneys had taken a hammering and suffered an acute injury thanks to the illness with gastroenteritis.

Whilst in hospital, I realised how interesting and weird my life has been on occasion, and that a lot of things that had occurred in my life had led to the neuropathy in my foot... and that diagnosis was somewhat life changing, not so much now, but will be later on in said life. SO why not write about it? It could help others, or could help teach others more about type 1 diabetes, which is something I have always felt very strongly about. I also felt it would give me a place to vent when diabetic burn out happens, or if something major happens that affects my health, or hell, even a really god HBA1c!

So, that's a bit about me, a bit about why I have started this blog... and I hope you will stick around to see what happens with this thing in the future!